A psychologist says the key is learning how to address concerns in a way that fosters understanding rather than resentment. Photo / 123rf
A psychologist says the key is learning how to address concerns in a way that fosters understanding rather than resentment. Photo / 123rf
Opinion by Joshua Coleman
Joshua Coleman PhD is a clinical psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families.
THREE KEY FACTS:
Relationships can suffer when partners don’t know how to give and receive constructive feedback.
A study shows 25% of men were completely surprised when their wives served them with divorce papers.
A marital researcher says 69% of conflicts in long-term relationships remain unresolved because of fundamental differences in personality, lifestyle preferences or values.
Psychologist and author Joshua Coleman says the key to handling complaints in a relationship involves learning how to address concerns in a way that fosters understanding rather than resentment.
Q: My husband is a good guy, but often says things that I find hurtful or insensitive. I know that I’m a sensitive person – maybe too sensitive – but it’s making me feel more distant. My mother was critical of my father and he ended up leaving her over it. I don’t want to be like her, but I also don’t know how to talk about my feelings without looking too insecure or acting like her. So, I end up doing nothing and feeling resentful. Any recommendations?
At the heart of this question from one of my patients is the ability to make our wishes clear. As a clinical psychologist who has worked with couples and families for four decades, I believe relationships can suffer when partners don’t know how to give and receive constructive feedback. I find the key is learning how to address concerns in a way that fosters understanding rather than resentment.
Here are some guidelines I suggested to my patient that may help others too:
Let your partner know that expressing concerns is difficult for you and why. Photo / Getty Images
Choose the right moment
Start by telling him you have something you would like to discuss and ask if this is a good time. If he says no, ask when would be and don’t accept never as a reasonable answer.
Gauge the severity
Rate your complaint on a scale of 1-10 where 1 is “trivial” and 10 is “I’m thinking of leaving you if this isn’t resolved”. You might say, “On a scale of 1 to 10 it’s a 3. But I’d still like this to be better.” If it’s closer to a 10, say: “I worry that if this doesn’t improve, we’re going to hit the point of no return and I don’t want us to get there.”
Be up front
Psychology professor E. Mavis Hetherington found in her long-term study of divorce that 25% of men were completely surprised when their wives served them with divorce papers. Your partner might not realise how unhappy you are and figures you’re happy or happy enough in the relationship.
It’s essential to acknowledge what you love about your husband, not just what you’d like to change. Be clear, not accusatory. To that end, use the compliment sandwich where you clearly state what you value or appreciate about him before voicing your complaint.
You might say, “You’re a great dad and the kids really love you. That’s great for me to see. I’m also wondering if there’s some way to work on how you express your frustration with them because I think it’s harder on them than you might realise.” This approach softens the conversation and increases the likelihood of a positive response.
Share your struggle
Let him know that expressing concerns is difficult for you and why. Explain your past experiences to help him develop empathy for your position.
Expect some pushback
He may not immediately agree with your perspective. Give him space to respond without interruption and remain open to his feedback.
End with appreciation
Thank him for listening and engaging in the conversation.
Spend time working on becoming less influenced by your experiences in childhood. Photo / 123rf
Get more help
If you’re not in therapy, spend time working on becoming less influenced by your experiences in childhood.
Being more assertive does not mean being overly critical, as you believe your mother was. It means being able to express your hurt over his comments in a clear and constructive way. It is possible your husband is too fragile to accept any feedback on your part – no matter how tactfully approached – and it may create more distance than closeness. Or he might surprise you by showing he cares more about your happiness than the discomfort of hearing what bothers you.
Managing expectations in romantic relationships
Sometimes our complaints about partners stem from unreasonable expectations about what a romance can or should provide. We imagine there’s someone “out there” who can make up for everything we didn’t get in childhood, heal all our insecurities and provide an endless font of stimulation and pleasure. While a good relationship offers support and happiness, it also includes boredom, conflict and compromise.
Marital researcher John M. Gottman found even in successful long-term relationships, 69% of conflicts remain unresolved due to fundamental differences in personality, lifestyle preferences or values. Rather than seeking a “fix”, strive for mutual understanding in common areas of conflict like sexual desire, parenting, finances, housework and time spent with others.
Gottman also found ongoing expressions of respect, humour and affection are essential to a happy relationship. Feeling understood means being willing to listen without being reactive, defensive or critical. No small feat, but the benefits are huge. As the saying goes, “Before you say you don’t feel heard, consider how well you listen.”
A thriving romantic relationship requires a balance between selflessly nurturing our partner’s happiness and honouring our own needs for joy and fulfilment. Prioritising their happiness at our expense can leave us feeling unappreciated, resentful and exhausted – focusing solely on our own happiness while neglecting theirs can make them feel unseen, unloved and taken for granted.
Learning how to complain productively is a key part of this balancing act because unresolved frustrations don’t simply disappear – they grow, creating emotional distance and resentment. However, when addressed with honesty, empathy and a sincere commitment to mutual understanding, conflicts can serve as pivotal moments of growth, strengthening the relationship rather than destabilising it.
Joshua Coleman PhD is a clinical psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.
