When it comes to sex, a Kiwi expert says 'You’re never too old to try something new or connect on a deeper level'. Photo / Getty Images
Warning: This article discusses sexual content
Becoming a better lover is a skill – and like any skill it requires practice. A couple of 40 years, a sex therapist, and a sex shop owner tell Sinead Corcoran Dye how you can improve your habits between the sheets.
Mary 55, married to John, 57
We’ve been together almost 40 years and probably have sex on average once a month. When we met, I was 17 and John was 19 and we came from strict religious upbrings so sex before marriage was a sin. In reality, our hormones were on top of their game so we had sex whenever we could – often we had to take my sisters as chaperones, so we had to be very creative in getting away from them.
Frequency of sex has declined particularly in the last five years or so. I’ve had some health issues which meant I felt unattractive. I’ve also suffered a prolapsed bladder neck - my husband kept thinking it was my clitoris and expecting me to groan in ecstasy. Awkward, but also, importantly liberating for our relationship to be able to talk about it and the aging process we are both going through.
Also, John’s sex drive has significantly diminished in the last five years. Now, we have to wait until he can sustain an erection in order to have sex, and with the amount of recreational wine we drink at night because we just love it, even though our livers probably do not, said wine is probably not conducive to erectile function at the age of 57.
Communication is key. If we can’t be completely honest with our long-term partner, who are we cheating? Ourselves, them, happiness, contentment... so many things. We have to be able to be vulnerable and share our complexities. I have struggled with this, but thankfully, we both share our whole selves with each other, and I think that is something to be cherished and held so very preciously.
We as a couple have always acknowledged and embraced our separateness within our relationship. We don’t always agree by any means, but we have allowed a healthy debate within our relationship and allowed ourselves to challenge each other even if it means being offended. When the kids were young and at home, we always did annual (or more if we could) trips away together, even if for just a weekend, where we enjoyed spending time together and doing things.
One of the strange things about getting older is when we had children at home, we were more like twice a week. The kids now say they have memories of hearing us and claiming they need counselling but hey, proud parent moment, I say. Now we have ALL the time for it with an empty nest, but less desire.
We’ve never got bored with each other. I love John so much; he is everything to me. I just feel unsexual a lot of the time. When we have sex, it can be bloody awesome, but those awesome times are only when I let go of myself and my inhibitions and complexities and live in the moment.
Alexander Terblanche, sexologist at matchmaking site Compatico
Do not buy into this nonsense that sex is the playground of the young. There is too much research now that suggests our sexual experiences can get better with age. The piece of advice I wish we all took on more, regardless of age, is that when it comes to our sex lives; we make the rules. We get to decide the measures, the definitions, the gauges of satisfaction. When we grasp that “great sex” is defined exclusively by us, the freedom that follows is wonderfully fertile ground for making improvements to our sex lives.
The most common sex-related concern I see is one partner wanting sex more frequently than the other – known as sexual desire discrepancy. What I wish more clients knew is that there is no one person at fault, and rather the mismatch is often a symptom of a relationship crying out for increased intimacy and communication.
Rather than becoming stuck in the “blame game”, is there space for a shift in perspective towards a common goal? In particular, understanding the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire can be a game-changer. If spontaneous desire is the experience of “being ready to go”, responsive desire is contextual; often only building after sexual play is present. Both are healthy experiences of desire. Couples that understand this, and work together with the differences in mind, experience far more satisfying sex lives.
For many of us, sharing our desires and fantasies does not come easily. We often carry fears of judgement, rejection, and shame around the things we are drawn to that fall outside of a “vanilla” norm. The more we talk about sex, the easier it is to bring up those things we feel less comfortable with. Fun ways we can explore our desires/fantasies with our partners include creating a “sexual menu” or trying out a “yes/no/maybe” inventory. Alternatively, there are some great apps that allow for synced accounts and anonymous swiping on desire/fantasies. Only the “matched fantasies” are shared.
Group sex fantasies are the most common in my practice. Monogamy has achieved a sort of moral high ground in many Western cultures. My belief is that there is no right or wrong way to be in a relationship. We each have the right to choose who we love and how we choose to live out that love – as long as we do so in a manner that is safe, sane, and consensual. But consider the agenda behind it. Swinging, for example, is not something that should be encouraged as a means to breathe life into a struggling relationship. The relationships that attempt to expand - without solid foundations of commitment, communication, and trust - often struggle and end up worse off than when they started.
I also feel that sex is far too focused on orgasm as a measurement of success. Often the starting point of sex therapy is an examination of the narrative we each have about sex, ourselves as sexual beings, and the deconstruction of that history. Our sex lives become immeasurably better when we realise that we hold the pen when it comes to the authorship of our sexual story.
Ella McLean, owner of Hello Lover
Learning to talk about sex is like learning a new language – really challenging to begin with. Practising our sexual communication skills is essential for building a more fulfilling and connected sex life – it helps us create a more open, playful and pleasurable space to explore.
A common concern among customers, especially those new to exploring the world of sex toys, is about “replacement” when integrating sex toys into a relationship. But toys are just an enhancement - they are designed to help you connect even more deeply with your body, they help awaken sensual nerve endings, and they’re a reminder that you’re worthy of pleasure.
Becoming a better lover is a skill – and like any skill it requires practice, sex positive education, exploration, openness and plenty of trial and error. Becoming attuned to both our own and our partner’s pleasure is a collective responsibility. And remember there is no universal “golden number” of times you should be having sex each week or month. Prioritise the quality of intimacy over the quantity
Expanding intimacy into more than just sex is crucial. A recent study in The Journal of Sex Research highlights that women in relationships where household chores and mental responsibilities are shared tend to report higher levels of sexual desire and satisfaction.
Throughout life, our sexual wellbeing journey fluctuates, and the good news is there’s always so much you can do to build more choice and control. Firstly, it’s up to everyone involved to create a safe environment for open discussions and sharing experiences. Using techniques such as bringing awareness to your body, breath work, kegel exercises, edging and incorporating toys can be really helpful tools, as well as seeking professional support when needed.
Ageing is a gift and with it comes time to learn even more about our bodies, wants, needs and desires. You’re never too old to try something new or connect on a deeper level – my oldest customers were a couple in their 90s whose doctor had recommended they purchase a couple’s toy. Exploring pleasure never stops – it’s a lifelong journey and that’s certainly something to celebrate.
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