How do open marriages work? Inside a 10-year marriage that became an open one

"We never take the relationship for granted. We look after it and make sure to spend time reconnecting with each other afterwards." Photo / Getty Images

Sex and dates with third parties are allowed, but the couple’s marital bed is sacred. Here’s how they make it work.

It’s a wild-sounding scenario most couples might find baffling, but having an open marriage works for Nash and Karl.

“It’s brought us closer, people assume we’re newlyweds because we still hold hands and kiss,” says Nash, a 36-year-old trained chef. “But we’ve been together for 12 years and married for 10 of them.”

It was four years ago when the couple decided to open up their marriage – a decision that’s more common than we might think, says sex researcher Dr Justin Garcia, the executive director of the US Kinsey Institute for research in sex, gender and reproduction. He cites an American report which found that a little over one in five single Americans had tried a “consensually non-monogamous” (CNM) relationship at some point in their life. Recent research suggests that number may have gone up in recent years.

“There are many reasons why people choose to have an open marriage, otherwise known as ‘negotiated non-monogamy’,” says Dr Garcia. “These arrangements can be practical, for example if there’s a long distance, different working hours, a physical disability or a sexual function with the couple, or simply to fulfil sexual and emotional needs, as Nash and Karl chose to.”

When the couple first met in Karl’s native Dublin on a dating app in 2012, he was a television crew member while Nash was studying English. Karl has been sober for six years but back then was battling alcohol issues. “So I took her out for a cup of tea, which sounds quaint, I know,” smiles Karl, 38. “Despite her being Mexican and me being Irish, we instantly bonded over both being from large Catholic families.”

They married in a civil Irish wedding in 2014, followed by a traditional Mexican ceremony. Nash’s doctor father gave her away. “We made our vows believing we’d always be faithful – our own families were very conventional, we assumed we’d be the same,” says Karl.

But in the first five years of marriage, both underwent huge life transformations. As Karl quit booze he grew in self-confidence, while 157.5cm (5ft 2in) Nash went from 89kg to 54kg after having gastric sleeve surgery in 2018.

“I wasn’t used to the attention I started getting from men once I had slimmed down,” says Nash. “Feeling sexy was a complete novelty and exciting. Karl was only my second boyfriend, and as much as I loved him, I realised how much I’d missed out before. For the first time I felt a sort of womanly power, and I wanted to explore and experiment.”

It was in 2020, while Nash was driving Karl to a stag weekend, when the subject of opening up their marriage first arose.

“I was teasing Karl about whether he’d have a stripper on his knee. He brushed it off, thinking I wouldn’t like that. But I said it genuinely didn’t bother me, and we began sounding each other out about how we felt about things.

“I realised then that Karl loved me, and him flirting – or anything else – with another woman wouldn’t actually rock what we had together. It was like having a little glimpse into another way of life, a more adventurous one.

“People call it the ‘seven-year itch’ for good reason; the marriage was loving yet a little stale in the sex department. I think most people can relate to that. I wouldn’t have cheated on him, but it had never occurred to me there was an option in between cheating and remaining dutifully, if perhaps resentfully, faithful,” says Nash.

Dr Justin J. Lehmiller is a research fellow at Kinsey Institute and says those who think outside of convention in this way can find it liberating.

“Most people see platonic love as unlimited,” he points out. “You can love an endless number of friends, siblings, parents and children – and your love doesn’t detract from one another. Yet often we have a hard time seeing romantic love working in the same way.”

Luckily for Nash and Karl, both had reached a point of being ready to inject some intrigue.

“I knew that I was happy for Karl to explore a bit with other women, but I was worried he wouldn’t be so cool about me experimenting,” admits Nash. “Many men might be horrified by their wives ‘sleeping around’. But I made it clear it wasn’t about sex per se, but having an opportunity to explore what I was curious about. Opening up about all this felt like a very adult thing to do and we realised we were even more similar-minded than we’d realised.”

Just talking about exploring with others had “made us closer than we’d been in a long time”.

After that initial conversation, the couple very slowly made moves to open their marriage. At that point, the pandemic hit, which ruled out meeting anyone outside of bubbles. So they used lockdown to research what they learnt was called “ethical non-monogamy” (that is, all parties concerned are fully aware of the marriage status).

They spent two years reading books and listening to podcasts about polyamory, chatting about what they were each comfortable with.

Tentatively, they started flirting online with other people and agreed on a set of “boundaries”, which included keeping their bedroom as a “sacred space” for just the two of them. No third party is ever invited into their marital bed. They also agreed never to get involved with each other’s friends or family, and to always use protection during sex.

Then they started chatting to others on dating apps, both being open with their phones and transparent with messages. They began making their own date arrangements – her with other men, him with other women.

Just talking about exploring with others had “made us closer than we’d been in a long time”, 36-year-old woman Nash said. Photo / 123rf

The first person to go on a date was Nash, when they were back in Ireland in 2022. She had been chatting to one man for a while, considered him like a close friend or boyfriend, and arranged a date with him in a nice restaurant.

“It was surprisingly relaxed and we talked and flirted over some drinks and dinner. At the end of the night we only shared a goodnight kiss, and then I came home to Karl.”

“I felt proud watching her get ready,” remembers Karl. “I was excited for her, my main concern was her safety. I asked her to text to let me know she was okay. She knew she could ring me any time and I’d come and get her.”

Having spent so long preparing to open their marriage together, both insist there haven’t been any negative feelings of jealousy or guilt about being with others.

“After my first date with a woman, I did worry about how Nash would feel, and whether she might be feeling betrayed, so I kept checking in with her, probably too often, as she was fine.”

Putting in this groundwork, according to Dr Garcia, is crucial for managing potential issues of jealousy in open marriages.

“It’s especially important to really honestly, respectfully explore your boundaries when considering different relationship structures,” says Dr Garcia. “It sounds obvious, but communication really is key, especially for those interested in maintaining their ‘core marital relationship’.”

Topics to cover, suggests Dr Garcia, are exactly what each person wants, how they wish to navigate social stigma, and rules about introduction of new partners – for instance, are there expectations that it’s strictly sexual? Can they see the same person regularly, can they go on dates with others? Can they spend the night with others, can it be with someone local or when travelling, can they be seen in public with other partners, tell family and friends, fall in love, engage in only certain sexual behaviours?

“It’s sensible to covered all these before entering into an open marriage, which is key to its success.”

Indeed, instead of feeling jealous, Karl admits it’s a “kink” of his to hear about Nash’s experiences.

“Yes it’s a turn-on for me. But only if she’s happy to share. I wouldn’t intrude and she doesn’t have to tell me.”

She, on the other hand, doesn’t want to know any sex details, which Karl respects.

Since Nash’s first date with another man, they have built up from one night to weekends away with other people. Neither wishes to go into detail about how many others they have slept with, though at a push Karl will say “slightly more than 10″ and Nash slightly fewer than that.

“For me it’s about getting close to someone else emotionally, which might be classed as ‘polyamory’, but for Karl it’s probably more sexual adventures he seeks, and has several ‘friends with benefits’, which might be described as ‘ethically non-monogamous’,” says Nash. “It doesn’t matter how it’s labelled to us, because we both enjoy the freedom and richness this arrangement brings.”

“I’m not looking for a secondary relationship, because Nash fulfils my emotional needs,” says Karl. “But I wouldn’t rule anything out. Neither of us can ever promise not to run off with someone else in the future, because that’s not how life works. But we’re incredibly happy together.

“We never take the relationship for granted,” Nash continues. “We look after it and make sure to spend time reconnecting with each other afterwards. If I haven’t seen Karl for a week, I will miss him and be keen to catch up, however much of a nice time I’m having with someone else.”

The couple co-host a podcast, PolyAmAreWe, on digital platform Bloom Stories, so they enjoy the freelance lifestyle and living in different cities – currently Madrid – and don’t want children. With the exception of Nash’s father, and Karl’s mother, who they think might be upset about their open marriage, the couple have told most of their other friends and family how their relationship works.

“No one has been particularly judgmental,” says Karl. “Although my brother rolled his eyes and said, ‘Trust you to have to be different’. We laughed.

“Our relationship is stronger now than it was when we were doing it traditionally,” Karl continues. “I love this woman until the ends of the earth, but I can never be everything she needs me to be, all the time, forever.”

“Karl and I are together not because we are married but because we choose to be together every day, and that’s an important difference,” adds Nash. “We have to really look after our relationship, because we know if we’re not happy, we can just be with different people.”