House Of Wax

Herald rating: * * *

Many social commentators would have us believe that Paris Hilton is not a dumb rich blonde. She is a role model for the post-modern woman, a poster-child for her self-aware generation (either poster-child or internet-video star, forget which), and an accomplished entrepreneur who has marketed her brand with only three generations of multi-millions to support her.

Okay, if she's so smart, how come Paris' first movie is so dumb?

The House of Wax shares a title and the bare bones of a plot with Vincent Price's 1950s schlock-horror classic. And that's all it is.

It's simply another outing in that long-running movie staple which puts a whole bunch of teens in a bad situation and kills them off one by one - except that, since kids are maturing later these days, these teens are well into their 20s and are, typically, played by a bunch of slightly famous names.

The six are driving to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, for a college football game. They camp for the night in the woods and are stranded in the middle of nowhere when their car won't start next morning.

In a movie like this, this is always a bad sign.

Carly Jones (Elisha Cuthbert, 24), her boyfriend Wade (Jared Padalecki, Flight of the Phoenix), her troubled brother Nick (Chad Michael Murray), her best friend (Paris), and their lesser known friends find themselves wandering through a deserted town.

Oh, look ... on the hill over there. There's a huge waxworks museum made entirely of wax.

Carly and her friends wonder what's inside. You won't, because you've seen ... oh, I dunno, maybe 100 horror movies so you know that it's a really bad idea to go to find out.

And it's an even worse idea to try to find out the secrets of a moody character like the gas station guy (Brian Van Holt, Black Hawk Down).

Joel Silver (Lethal Weapon, The Matrix) to the big screen, produced the movie, and it must be admitted that he outdoes earlier effects, particularly when the house of horrors, and the horrors within, are rendered down.

By the time the movie was wrapped, everyone was too embarrassed to contribute any more time or lack of energy to the DVD. Four of the lead characters offer a typically vacant commentary to a 30-minute behind-the-scenes reel, while producer Joel Silver reveals that, yes, they did use wax to make The House of ... There's a gag (no comment) reel and an alternative ending.

* Out on DVD, video rental today