Will 2023 be the dawning of your age? Photo / Getty Images
Finding it hard to make sense of the world? Ruth Spencer looks to the signs for a celestial steer on the year 2023
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You’re innovative and progressive, but so are interest rates. Feisty little devils, aren’t they? This is your year to get out of the property market and put those revolutionary tendencies to good use in a disruptive new investment realm. Egg stocks are on the up, just ask Virgo - or perhaps it’s time to start a butter bank. Aquarius has a humanitarian drive to save the world, so it’s time to invest in apocalypse bunkers and art. Art? Of course art. Those bunkers have no windows, so everyone will need a point of interest. It beats paying pointless interest.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Oh Pisces. Empathetic, sensitive Pisces. Sorry to tell you, but this is an election year. Current events usually wash over you but this will be a decidedly uncivil tide. It’s all fun and games until somebody burns down the playground. Your attention always divided between fantasy and reality, nothing is more confusing for dreamy Pisces than scale-thin political promises or the tempting lures of conspiracy theories. These are deep waters for a little fish. Just keep swimming and try not to talk to anyone at all until this time next year.
Taurus (Mar 21-Apr 19)
This year is all about self-care, like every year for you Taureans. This time there’ll be more opportunities for scented baths and epicurean delights because the four-day work week finally becomes your reality. A whole extra day to indulge your luxurious whims! A creature of habit though, you’ll find yourself sitting in the car in the driveway on your day off so you don’t miss out on the wacky weekday shenanigans of your breakfast radio DJs. You do you, Taurus.
Aries (Apr 20-May 20)
Your energetic desire for adventure went too far in 2022. You literally put the ram in ram raids. This year you’ll focus your drive for adrenalin on something a little more indoorsy. Well, you have to, don’t you? The ankle bracelet goes off otherwise. Unfortunately your thrill of choice is cryptocurrency. Buying late and low, you’ll ride the nail-biting waves of fake money fluctuation, swapping tips with crypto bros and wearing Bitcoin merch like an unpaid promo model. Makes you long for a fast car and a slow jewellery counter. At least it’s better than the time you were into Wordle.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
You’re so busy you wish you could clone yourself and that’s why 2023 is Gemini’s year. Playful, erratic, driven by curiosity, you’re slated to be at the forefront of science. Or rather, the forefoot. It was your type of brilliant mind that grew a dinosaur leg on a chicken last year. This year it will be a Gemini who finally nails the lab-grown meat gimmick with dinosaur-sized chicken legs. You’ll also be the one making insect protein more affordable by cloning really big insects! There’s no stopping you! Dear God, there’s no stopping you!
Cancer (June 21-Jul 22)
Your intrinsic intuition about the land and sea is speaking to you this year. Specifically it’s saying, “Get away from the sea!” Cancer’s instincts are right: 2023 is the year we start feeling less attracted to all things coastal and start moving inland, away from the angry, angry ocean. Was it something we said? Rainforests we burnt? Who knows, but waterfront properties are making you nervous and the hinterland is calling. Cancer is all about alpine decor this year: tussock, tarns, sheepskins, physical safety. Scuttling far from the stormy sands, Cancer is looking for a Heidi hole.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
We don’t know how you’ll manage it, but the stars predict this is the year you become a Nepo Baby. Perhaps you’ll be adopted by Angelina Jolie, or you’ll turn out to be one of Nick Cannon’s offspring - at this point it could be any of us. While others wrestle with generational trauma, you’ll fall on your feet with generational opportunity. It’s time for your unearned spotlight to shine, your mediocre talent to be lauded, your participation certificate to become a star on the Walk of Fame. Haters gonna hate, but that’s Leo business, babe.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Ever-practical, you’ll beat the egg shortage crisis by acquiring chickens you find on the side of the road. After you return all the roosters and fulfil your free-range dreams you’ll discover you’ve also beat the fly shortage crisis and the lawn destruction crisis. And they said Virgos can’t multitask! Virgo was based on the goddess of wheat and that’s what you’ll become to your new feathered friends as you spend more than the price of eggs on chicken feed. You’ll wish you could get the flock out of this mess, but at least you can finally bin that aquafaba pavlova like a sane person.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
You’re always looking to achieve equilibrium, and this year it’s going to be in your wardrobe. Not actually in your wardrobe - it’s possible to find equilibrium in there but you’ll bang your elbows a lot. The balance you’re seeking is in your clothing. Tired of stressing over style every morning, you’re going to commit to a personal uniform. Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg and you, Libra! Sadly for you, you choose your personal uniform in 2023, year of the matching crop top/wide pant “set”. Your 40s are going to be rough.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
This is the year of love for passionate Scorpio. Reach for the stars, or at least the lasers, because you’ll find your soul mate at a festival. Splore your options, wear your finery at a winery, go mad at Womad - tripping over true love is just a tent peg away. Chat to a stranger by the food trucks and have a meet-cute in the meat queue. Or maybe it’s not a Portaloo, but a portal to love. You’ll never know if you don’t go. Be wise though: love is blind, not deaf. Choose the wrong concert and you’ll be forced to pretend you like Sting ‘til death do you part.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Your innate thirst for knowledge will drive everything this year. Specifically, it will drive you to the pub every Tuesday night to compete in quiz night. Believe it or not, this is your year, because just like you the quiz writers are getting all their info from Netflix documentaries. How much Tinder can a Tinder swindler swindle if a Tinder swindler did swindle Tinder? How do you spell Fyre? What is a frostbitten todger? Trick question, that one was from the book, but you knew that because you watched the documentary. Who am I? I’m Sagittarius, and that’s my bar tab, thanks.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your patience and perseverance are legendary, which is quite impressive seeing as people have to get over the fact you’re half goat/half fish before they can notice your personal qualities. In any case, it’s your dedication to achieving your goal that will finally see you reach your dream of TikTok fame in 2023. You do your First 100 TikToks like the blogs say to. You post regularly until one goes viral. You do everything right, one hoof in front of the other fin and it pays off. It’s probably nothing to do with the fact that you’re half goat/half fish. It’s definitely the Cardi B lipsync or something.
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