Stephanie pictured on her wedding day. Photo / Media Drum World/australscope
Stephanie pictured on her wedding day. Photo / Media Drum World/australscope
Warning: Graphic details
A young bride, who waited until marriage to lose her virginity, has spoken out about the medical condition she says de-sexualised her relationship and made her feel like she was living with a "roommate",
23-year-old Stephanie Muller, a social worker from New York, USA, grew up in a Christian household and made the decision to save herself until marriage.
In 2013, she met her now-husband, 31-year-old Andrew, at their local church but didn't begin dating until 2015.
Two years into their relationship, the pair got married in May 2017 and planned to have sex on their honeymoon – which would have been Stephanie's first time.
However, they had difficulty consumating their marriage. Stephanie got a yeast infection that lasted three months when prescribed medications failed to have any effect.
When she eventually recovered from the infection the couple still struggled to have sex.
It wasn't until she had her first pelvic exam that Stephanie became concerned - as she began to shake, scream and cry over the pain, leading to a diagnosis of vaginismus; a condition that sees the vagina tighten and make sex painful.
A gynaecologist prescribed Vicodin, a strong painkiller, to allow her to have sex with her husband but Muller refused to believe that was the solution to her problem and began to search online for treatment options.
She battled the condition alone for a year before confiding in friends, then sought treatment at her local Women's Therapy Centre in January 2019, eventually overcoming the condition in May.
Speaking out
Since recovering, Muller has made it her mission to speak out about the condition and her journey to help other women going through a similar ordeal.
"Saving sex for my wedding night was my personal choice. I wanted to save sex for my wedding night because I didn't want to have sex with anyone that wasn't my husband," Muller said.
"I personally believe that sex is a very intimate and special thing, and I didn't want to share that with someone else that I would not end up marrying.
"I think oftentimes this is seen as a burden or shame-filled tradition, but I genuinely felt that it would be the best thing for me."
Stephanie says that her condition had a negative impact on the relationship with her husband and they had often talked about vaginismus.
The couple were married in 2017. Photo / Media Drum World/australscope
"My husband and I have talked about how vaginismus really de-sexualised our relationship; it was almost like living with a roommate," she said.
"We would even be careful about other physical things because neither of us wanted to suggest trying to have sex, be disappointed, and the night ending in tears.
"Around September 2018 we had a very honest conversation about the physical part of our relationship and how it was affecting us.
"We then made a decision to not give vaginismus so much power over us that we would hold us back from being playful, affectionate and physical.
"I think this really helped us begin to emotionally, mentally and relationally heal, even prior to going into treatment.
"Having vaginismus is a heavy weight, and what largely makes it so difficult is the isolation and shame that comes with it.
"I felt really embarrassed, broken, and like I couldn't talk about it with anyone. Andrew and I felt like we lost this really big thing and we had to grieve it all alone."
Muller said her husband had been "incredibly supportive" throughout her journey.
"He would constantly remind me that he wasn't going anywhere, even if the vaginismus was never healed. He also drove me and was there with me for every appointment, even though he didn't have to.
Stephanie pictured on her wedding day. Photo / Media Drum World/australscope
"A big dream of mine is to do public speaking engagements. I have a variety of topics that I am interested in, but one of those topics is definitely vaginismus.
"There is a massive lack of awareness about vaginismus and I believe that where there is lack of knowledge, there is fear.
"There are so many things that I would want to bundle up and say to someone that is in the same situation.
"The three statements that I would want to make sure I told them would be: 'There is hope', 'You are not your vaginismus', and 'You are not alone'.
"For me, it is so important to talk about it freely because I strongly believe that there is no shame in vaginismus. I always say that because the fear and shame of it kept my mouth shut for so long, to speak about it boldly feels like a beautiful act of rebellion."
