Healthy ways to talk to children and teens about their weight

We, as parents, ultimately make the decisions about what snacks and treats we stock our shelves with. Photo / Getty Images

I was at the beach the other day and I noticed a little boy, around 9 years old, there with several older women. One of the women seemed to be the boy's grandmother and she sat and chatted with her friends while the little boy swam.

The boy may have been considered a tiny bit overweight for his age and height and, as I watched him sit down for a snack with his grandmother, I could predict the conversation to come.

She "helpfully" told the boy that he should "slow down" and try to "really savour his food". There is no doubt in my mind that she meant well. She cared about this boy and didn't want him to be bullied or, even worse, have health problems.

The silence that followed the grandmother's helpful statements, combined with the almost imperceptible sag of his shoulders told me all I needed to know. He'd heard all of this before and it didn't help then, any more than it would now.

I found it hard to get that little boy out of my mind. I was pretty confident that the advice he received on that sunny beach was counterproductive, but that left me with the big question: what is the best way to talk to children and young people about their weight?

While adults often mean well when they try to talk to children about their weight, discussing it directly does more harm than good. Photo / Getty Images

I had come to the limits of my knowledge on the issue and so I reached out to a couple of experts.

Dr Emma Woodward is an experienced psychologist who works primarily with children through her clinic, The Child Psychology Service. As I touched upon this sensitive and complex issue with Woodward I was expecting an equally complicated response, instead, I got a very simple reply. How should we talk to children about their weight? "Just don't", is Woodward's advice. A surprising response, but not a complicated one, as she explains.

"You have no idea how your words make someone feel," says Woodward, confirming my suspicions that even the most well-meaning comments about "eating less" or the old classic, "we need to watch what we eat", will make an overweight child feel even more judged and unhappy.

Woodward also warns against applying "good" and "bad" labels to food. "If we have judgements or labels about unhealthy food, that can set up bad habits for the future," such as children binge eating when they feel unhappy or out of control.

The way we, as parents, talk about our own bodies can also have a big impact. If we talk about our own weight negatively, children will pick up on that and could become overly focused on their own body and appearance. "Don't use the word fat," advises Woodward. "Don't say you look gross or complain about your flab in front of your kids."

Instead, Woodward advises focusing on the function of our bodies. How are they meant to function? How do certain foods make us feel? "Say things like 'I feel happier and have more energy if I go for a run' and 'sometimes I like to eat sugary foods as a treat but if I eat them all the time, I don't feel very good,'" advises Woodward.

If you are worried that your children might have gained weight over lockdown – like many of us grown-ups – then try making changes as a whole family. You can decide as a family to do more exercise, such as a fun game of soccer in the backyard, suggests Woodward. "Then you can comment afterwards about how you got out and how good it feels," she continues.

As parents, if we increase our own exercise and discuss how good it makes us feel, then we are setting a good example for our kids. Photo / Getty Images

Nutritionist Claire Turnbull, who runs Mission Nutrition, a nutrition service with clinics around New Zealand also agreed that words are more powerful than parents might think. Turnbull reports that the issue of children's weight is one of the most common concerns coming from the parents that she works with. For her the answer isn't simple, but it doesn't feature the word "weight" at all.

"There are about 100 things to do before you even mention the word 'weight'," Turnbull advises parents who have concerns. While she acknowledges that a caring parent is probably concerned about bullying, saying something directly about their weight will not help.

An overweight child is "eating more than they need to ... but why?" Perhaps we are sending messages about food to our children without even realising it, Turnbull says. "The way you eat and your relationship to food is the first thing you need to look at as an adult," advises Turnbull. "They are looking at what you do, not what you say.

"Language is so important. Food is not good or bad ... when you demonise certain foods you are not making it less likely someone it going to eat them, you are just increasing the guilt they feel when they eat."

One area that Turnbull is passionate about is the idea of hunger. Somewhere along the way we have developed this sense that being hungry is bad, a cause for concern, when it is not. "It's okay to feel hungry," says Turnbull and we need to teach that to our kids. Another great piece of advice from Turnbull is teaching children to eat until they are no longer hungry, not till they are full.

When it comes to teenagers, the dangers of focusing on weight become even more acute and we need to tread carefully, advises Turnbull. "It is not about food, it is about a desperate need for control, and you need to ask what they are trying to control.

"A lot of eating is driven by the subconscious, so trying to consciously control it won't work," Turnbull says. Helping children through issues and problems that may be affecting them with techniques like meditation, exercise or even just a good chat, can have a positive effect. "When people get themselves in a better headspace, the lifestyle stuff tends to sort itself out."

In addition to setting good examples for our children with our own eating, it also comes down to what we have lining the shelves of our pantries. If we have lots of quick and easy things on hand such as cookies or chips, then odds are they will be what kids grab when hunger hits.

"What you have in your house and in your pantry will teach your children which foods they should be eating," says Turnbull.

She offered a great little piece of advice on snacking during our chat that I plan to steal for use with my own children. In her house they have a rule that her children are allowed to snack ony on vegetables in the hour before dinner. Simple, yet healthy.