Gwyneth Paltrow, creator of Goop. Photo / Getty Images
Gwyneth Paltrow, creator of Goop. Photo / Getty Images
Gone are the days of finding socks or chocolate money in the bottom of your stocking come Christmas morning.
Gwyneth Paltrow, queen of offering controversial advice — everything from steaming your vagina to coining the phrase 'conscious uncoupling' — has released her annual Christmas gift guide via her wellness and lifestyle brand, Goop.
The In Goop Health Summit in San Francisco. Photo / Getty Images
As expected, the 2019 guide is luxuriously decadent. Featuring gifts from no less than 10 different categories, Goop has something for everyone, meaning you'll never have to angst over what to buy your second-cousin-once-removed again.
While a "beer blanket", jar of Sir Kensington's Special Sauce or pocket-size tin of Jacobsen's sea salt will set you back a reasonable $9, Paltrow's suggestions quickly take a turn for the expensive.
Here are some of the most ludicrous items Paltrow suggests you pop to the top of your wishlist:
RESERVE A SEAT TO SPACE, FROM $364,977
Pre-empting the family drama will get a bit too much for you on Christmas Day? Don't flee the country; flee the planet by reserving yourself a seat to space on one of Virgin Galactic's missions.
Proof that stars really are just like us: Paltrow, too, enjoys a game of Connect 4. Prove to your elite offspring how much they mean to you by surpassing the $15 plastic version and putting this marble set in the bottom of their Santa sack instead.
CUSTOM PLANT MUSIC INSTALLATION, $36,501
Give back this Christmas and tune into how your succulents respond to the energy you give off just by sharing a space with them by bringing an immersive plant music installation to your yard.
A chair to redefine your desk-side comfort. Photo / Bonluxat
GRAVITY BALANS CHAIR, $2919
Forgo your Christmas bonus and ask your boss to replace your standard wheelie desk chair with one that simulates weightlessness, elevates your legs above your heart and rocks gently to the rhythm of your breathing. THE IMPOSSIBLE COLLECTION OF AMERICAN WINE, $1454
An infinite collection of vino from all around the US — housed in a handcrafted wooden box — this is not. Instead, allow your party guests to drink up your knowledge of American wine, gleaned from this hefty 200 page book, rather than the actual wine they came for.
DIAMOND CHOKER, $30,675
Marilyn Monroe was onto something in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: dogs aren't man's best friend – diamonds are. Nothing says 'I love you' more effectively than a piece of jewellery you have to remortgage your house to afford.
LUNAR ROCK EDITION OF NORMAN MAILER'S MOONFIRE, $401,378
Stumped on what to buy your nerdy, Neil Armstrong-obsessed brother and have a spare half a million dollars burning a hole in your back pocket? Put away that Curious Planet gift card and buy him this book, inspired by the Apollo 11 Lunar Excursion Module, and unique piece of lunar meteorite, instead.
MODULAR PREFAB HOME, FROM $160,561
Laugh in the faces of your baby boomer relatives who said you'd never afford a house because of that smashed avocado stuff and treat yourself this silly season to Bert, a treehouse-inspired abode with a composting toilet.
CUSTOM FAMILY DOCUMENTARY TOME, FROM $109,478
Assert your dominance as the favourite child and invite photographers Eszter and David along on your next family trip to the Big Banana, where they'll document the whole thing, then make an elaborate book to flip through forever that'll bring a tear to your Mum's eye.
THE JOURNEY TO NATURE'S EDGE EXPEDITION, FROM $1.9 MILLION
As far as value for money goes, this gift takes the cake. Quit your job and don your Steve Irwin khaki as you embark on twelve endangered-species-focused trips that can be spread out over 12 months, or taken all at once.
DEHYDRATED CAVIAR BAR, FROM $145
Next time you feel your energy levels dwindling, reach for this dehydrated caviar bar (that in many ways resembles a Toblerone) over your usual Clif and let the pure flavours of fish egg bring you back to life.
