Gwyneth Paltrow releases Goop 2023 Christmas gift guide - and it’s as ridiculous as ever

Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle brand Goop has released its 2023 Christmas gift guide. Photo / AP

Halloween is behind us, Mariah Carey is warming up as we speak and Gwyneth Paltrow has released her Goop Christmas Gift Guide - it must be nearly the most wonderful time of the year.

The Goop 2023 Christmas Gift Guide is usually peppered with outrageously expensive and absolutely unnecessary gifts, things that neither you nor I would ever consider spending actual dollars on - and this year is no exception.

On this year’s list, there is a $25,000 vibrator made with 24-karat gold, a $125,000 Louis Vuitton Baby Wardrobe (no clothes included), a $2600 book clutch, and a $3000 Hermes doghouse, $5600 Chanel roller skates, a $670 piece of cheese, and a $600 tennis ball holder, among other weird and wonderful things.

The Lelo Inez 24k Gold G-Spot Vibrator features in this year's Goop Christmas gift guide. Photo / Lelo

If the 24k gold vibrator is a little out of your budget, there are plenty of other vibrating options in the “gifts for lovers” section of the guide, including: a showerhead that “doubles as a clitoral stimulator”, the more affordable Vesper 2 Vibrator (not gold, though, so choose wisely I guess), and a necklace that “has a secret” and the secret is that, you guessed it, it’s also a vibrator.

Your dog, who does not have a job or bring any income into your household, would probably chew bits off this Hermès doghouse. Photo / Goop

This piece of Parmesan cheese, aged for 24 months, is sourced from Valserena Soladibruna, the oldest dairy in Parma. Photo / Goop

If you have the dream of acquiring something from the Goop gift guide but your dreams are far too big for your wallet, do not despair, there is a section with gifts “under $100″, where you might find just the thing for you.

The more “affordable” section of the gift guide includes a $93 handblown Italian glass ornament, $30 wrapping paper (which I’m not entirely sure should qualify as a “gift” but okay), a $68 hair clip, a $25 pack of microwaveable black truffle popcorn, and a wide variety of skincare and fitness options.

If you can't afford an expensive gift, you may want to consider wrapping your cheap gift in expensive gift wrap. Photo / Goop

Microwaveable black truffle popcorn. Photo / Goop

Kmart sells similar hair clips for about five bucks but pop off, Gwynnie. Photo / Goop

Gwyneth, who wanted you to buy a vagina-scented candle, is nothing if not organised. The Goop 2023 Christmas Gift Guide is neatly split into ten different categories, including the lovers gift guide, the wellness gift guide, as well as gifts for kids, men, foodies, cooks, and travellers. In contrast with the under-$100 gift guide, there is the “ridiculous but awesome gift guide”, with a list of gifts that has something from everyone - and by “everyone” we mean from the obscenely rich all the way to the not so obscenely but still pretty rich.

Cost of living? Gwynnie’s never heard of her.