A year and a half ago, I thought a lockdown was an opportunity to learn guitar, experiment with new ways of living and spend more time going for long, painful walks with my family. What I know now is that a lockdown is also a fertile place for a specific malfunctioning of the mind.
It started two weeks after the current lockdown when I realised I really wanted to listen to the song Because The Night by Patti Smith. I don't know why; I've never been particularly into the music of Patti Smith and I wouldn't say the lyrics of that song particularly speak to me. I guess some part of me knew it needed that song at that time, but when I first listened to it I was left unmoved, so I looked up cover versions and found one by 10,000 Maniacs, from their 1993 MTV Unplugged concert. As the voice of Natalie Merchant swung in low and needy over the intrigue of the piano and menace of the strings, something in me came unhooked. I couldn't believe how good it was. I had never before displayed any interest in the music of 10,000 Maniacs, nor the voice of Natalie Merchant, so why was I suddenly transfixed? This was the most remarkable voice I had ever heard. How had I never noticed it before? I called Zanna into the kitchen: "How have I never noticed this before?" I said. She shrugged and said, "I've never really liked her voice."
Over the next few days I played that song dozens of times. Over the next few weeks, it was closer to hundreds. On Father's Day, Zanna asked for my favourite song of all time and it was like my mind had eradicated all other music. When I told her, she rolled her eyes and said, "Of course."
I marvelled at the song's construction: the dark rising of the strings, the tactical use of the big floor tom to relieve tension, but, more than anything, I marvelled at that voice. I watched the video, stunned by Merchant's charismatic stillness. I read many articles about her. In one of them, a recent interview, she talked about how her voice has changed now she's old, and I felt sad about that.
I wondered how it could be that the music of someone I had so frequently heard and ignored in my teens was now all I cared about. I briefly considered becoming a 10,000 Maniacs fan but when I listened to their other songs I didn't really like them.