There's a societal belief that our sex lives dwindle as we get older, but that doesn't have to be the case, says NZ sex and relationships coach Michelle Kasey. Photo / Getty Images
There's a societal belief that our sex lives dwindle as we get older, but that doesn't have to be the case, says NZ sex and relationships coach Michelle Kasey. Photo / Getty Images
WARNING: This story deals with sexual content and is suitable for adults only.
Great sex is possible at any age, says Kiwi sex therapist Michelle Kasey
For years, my older adult clients have proven to me just how possible it is to have great sex at any age. I’ve supportedwomen in their 60s and 70s to experience their first orgasms, buy their first sex toys, and create a sex life far more fulfilling than what they had in their 20s and 30s. It is your God-given right to experience pleasure at every stage of life. Don’t let anyone or anything convince you otherwise.
There’s also no denying that this flies in the face of stereotypes about older adults’ sexuality, which is most often painted as non-existent, deviant or even laughable. If, like most people, you’re carrying outdated beliefs about sex after 60, I encourage you to promptly throw them in the bin like the tidy Kiwi you are.
This feels like a great time to remind you that good sex can lower your blood pressure, boost your mood, support your immune system, improve your sleep quality, enhance your cognitive functioning, and increase your self-esteem. Not bad, right? Plus, you’re finally free from the risk of pregnancy! But don’t forget to practice safer sex - STI rates are on the rise among older adults, and protection is as important as ever.
My clients and comrades over 60 have shared with me how liberating it is to have sex later in life - when you care less, need less external validation, and perhaps have a bit more time on your hands. But sex as you age does come with new challenges. That said, they’re nothing we can’t handle with a bit of education, communication, and creativity. Shall we talk about some of the common challenges of sex over 60?
Sex and relationships coach Michelle Kasey. Photo / Whenua Film
Number one is written on the wall - our bodies change as we age. As hormones shift, we say farewell to old friends like testosterone, estrogen and progesterone. We meet new friends, such as erectile dysfunction, vaginal atrophy, and chronic health conditions. In the face of these changes, our libido may start to wane. But this doesn’t mean you have to be done with sex.
“Vaginal atrophy” is a fancy term for the thinning, drying, and inflammation of the vaginal walls due to a decrease in estrogen levels. This commonly occurs during menopause but can also result from other conditions or medical treatments that lower estrogen levels. Most women will experience symptoms related to vaginal atrophy later in life. It’s normal and nothing to be ashamed of. You might like to speak with your doctor about possible treatment options or consult a sex and relationships therapist, like me, to process the change and positively adapt to this life transition.
Penises also stop working like they used to. Sixty per cent of men over 60 in New Zealand experience erectile dysfunction (ED). Yet only 20% seek solutions for this very normal and common condition, largely due to the silly stigma and shame often associated with ED. Important fact: did you know that physical ED is closely connected to heart health and often serves as an early warning sign for cardiovascular disease? If you’re experiencing ED, I urge you to visit your doctor to evaluate your cardiovascular risk and get support to strengthen your heart (and likely, your erections).
So, in summary: let’s say that your parts aren’t working quite the same, your libido has decreased, and you’re navigating new physical limitations like aches and pains in your hips and knees, but you want to want sex. What are some solutions?
Broaden your view of what sex is
Sex doesn’t have to involve penetration. It also doesn’t have to end with an orgasm. Sensual sex is an exquisite way to exchange erotic touch, focusing on connecting with your partner and feeling your own body, while taking pressure off your loins and joints. For many people of all ages, a fantastic make-out session can be more satisfying than friction-based sex.
Explore new pathways to pleasure
We are creatures of habit who tend to find what works and stick to it. However, as we age, sex acts and positions that were once our go-to may no longer feel comfortable for our bodies. It can be hard to face the loss of physical mobility and strength, so be compassionate with yourself as you adapt. Perhaps you feel inspired to exercise more often and improve your fitness? Probably not a bad idea. Alternatively, this is your sign to become more mentally flexible than you are physically flexible. Sex, like life, evolves and it’s normal for us to have to discover new pathways to pleasure that honour our bodies exactly as they are.
Earlier this year, I tore a muscle in my hip and had to experiment with sex positions that minimised pressure on my hips. After some trial, error, and plenty of communication with my partner, I found that standing with my chest resting on a high kitchen counter or table worked well for penetration. Supporting my legs with pillows on either side of my knees during missionary was another game-changer.
Identify where your motivation for sex comes from
What motivated you to have sex in the past may be different from your present-day motivations. What needs do you want to meet through sex? Closeness, stress relief, physical health benefits, feeling desired, or loved? If your libido has decreased, figure out what your current motivations for sex are and let those guide you.
Also, give yourself more time and space to become physically in the mood. Often, our minds want to have sex but our bodies don’t, so we need to give our bodies time to arrive in the present moment and warm up. This can be especially true for older adults.
Lubricant
It’s a simple solution to dryness. I use lube all the time. The more natural the ingredients, the better. I use a brand called Sliquid Organics as well as unscented coconut oil from the supermarket. However, do not use coconut oil with latex condoms, as it corrodes them, rendering them ineffective.
It’s not embarrassing to take medication that helps your heart work, and it’s not embarrassing to take medication that helps your penis work either.
That said, remember that hardness is not even necessary for pleasure. A soft penis can experience infinite pleasure, and its owner can use their hands, mouth, and toys.
If you’ve been single for some time and feel hesitant about starting over, or the erotic fire in your relationship has been cold for some time, you might benefit from reading my articles about dating after divorce and sexless relationships.
Michelle Kasey is an award-winning NZ-based sex and relationships therapist who helps clients worldwide to have healthier relationships and more satisfying sex lives. She is also a celebrated burlesque artist and teacher, champion pole dancer, and writer.
