Herald columnist and Radio Hauraki breakfast host Matt Heath is taking on a new role as Happiness Editor for our Great Minds mental health project. He will share his own insights in his search for wellbeing as well as interviews with international experts in the field.
Comedian and Author Max Dickins was about to propose to his girlfriend when he realised he didn't have any best man options. Spending all his time between work, partner and family had destroyed his circle of friends. So Max looked into the situation and found a lot of people in the same boat. His new book Billy No Mates is an honest, funny look at the dire state of male friendships. I Zoom him at his London home. We chat for an hour more than scheduled. Top bloke. Maybe we could be friends.
Q: Do men statistically have fewer friends than women?
A: A mental health charity in the UK did research asking men how many close friends they have. One in three had none. They also asked them how many people they could talk to about a medical, personal or work problem. Half of them had no one. There is a thing social scientists call network shrinkage. As we get older our social circle decreases. Over time men's circles get a great deal smaller than women's do.
Q: Why are men struggling with close friendships, and what can we do about it?
A: A big thing is the way we are around one another. We use banter. Joshing, ribbing, taking the piss. It's great fun, but does it create a culture between men where they feel they have permission to take friendship beyond fun?
Men often don't show their full selves because that would give mates ammo. Competition, hierarchies and status are very important to men. We don't like to be seen as lower status, so we may not admit when things aren't great. Plus, there's a taboo against showing affection. We struggle with something as simple as telling a mate we like them.
Q: Modern men don't live under as restrictive norms as they used to. We seem a little more open than our parents. Yet are we getting worse at finding good friends?
A: Yeah, if you are blaming men's lower friendship rates on gender norms, it's very hard to argue that these haven't softened over time. If you compare the early 70s to now, it's pretty different, yet the problem doesn't seem to have improved. It suggests something fundamental is going on.
A bloke called Dr Robin Dunbar claims the male and female social worlds work very differently. Female friendships tend to be face-to-face, based around talk, and emotional disclosure. Male friendships tend to be less face-to-face and more side-by-side with much less emotional disclosure. It's more about sharing space and activities.
A close friend for men is someone they feel comfortable doing stuff with. When you ask men who their best friends are it's often more of a physical, active thing rather than a discussive form of intimacy.
So when men get divorced, laid off, bereaved or retire, men suffer worse physical and mental health outcomes than women. because they're more isolated on average. We often don't notice we don't have deeper friends.
Q: Is banter all bad? Abusing a friend to me is kind of like saying you love them. You couldn't say that terrible stuff to someone you didn't like and knows liked you.
A: Yeah, nuance is really important here because I wouldn't wanna be friends with someone who couldn't do some banter. It wouldn't be fun, but I suppose the point I'm making in the book is about having gears. Can you get out of third? Sometimes you need to go into fourth and fifth. I only had one gear. Always trying to be funny. It ended up putting a moat around me. It's just about making sure you have options.
Q: Why is a lack of friends bad?
A: There's been huge research into the effects of loneliness on our physical health. Julia Holstead, a famous academic on the subject, discovered that being lonely is worse for you than smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Worse than being obese. It's worse than drinking excessively.
There have been lots of studies finding connections between loneliness, depression and anxiety. In the UK, the Samaritans charity found the biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK is suicide. It's a complex situation, but they put the lack of close connections as one of the fundamental causes.
Then there's the big study by Robert Waldinger Harvard, following people over a whole lifetime. Social connection was the big factor for people living longer and reporting being happy. There are few things more important to our physical and mental life than having friends. But many men don't prioritise it.
It's hugely important but we treat it like a "nice to have".
Q: So how many friends do we need, and what counts as a friend?
A: There's no perfect answer. Loneliness is subjective. You're lonely when your social situation is not what you want it to be. If you're not lonely, that's fine.
As long as you're being honest with yourself, I think there are two ways of looking at this. One is from a more mental health angle. Which friends are gonna stop us from having mental health crises? They're probably the ones that we are able to disclose to on a profound, personal level.
How many of those do you need? Well, often, men will have a romantic partner. That's someone, but you probably need two or three others. But I don't really wanna put a number on it.
Q: How do you find friends if you are lacking in them?
A: A good start is showing up in places where it's possible to make friends. If you've lost your group of friends, are you investing time in being in spaces where you're gonna bond with people? Are you going to a gym? Are you part of a team, choir or club?
I spoke to a guy the other day that loves military board games. He's found a games night and has made loads of mates cause they're all nerds like him. I wouldn't go, but it's been great for him.
Q: How can we maintain our friendships once we have them?
A: As you emerge from your 20s, you can't rely on spontaneity anymore. Especially if you have a family.
When it comes to close friends, the regularity of the contact and the intensity of it is really important. If you don't see them, you're not gonna maintain that closeness.
So whether it's a poker night every fortnight or a five-a-side football league with a beer afterwards, regularity is really important, so you don't have to reinvent the wheel.
If you're a bloke, activities are really important. Do the work of being the friend, literally, the admin, the emotional work of being the one that shows up, and checks in.
The best way to have friends is to be a friend. Can you make your friendships a little bit closer? You don't have to become a wishy-washy new man, but you can expand your toolbox.
Do you have enough relational skills in your box to have the conversations you need to foster a close friendship? You can do banter, but can you go vulnerable when needed? When someone is disclosing something to you, can you respond in kind to make them feel better? Can you listen? Can you ask helpful questions?
It was sad to say goodbye to Max; he's the kind of guy I'd totally invite to a weekly poker night. The message of his book is clear - mates are important; we need to collect them, look after them and keep them.
Note: Max is fully aware his book has the same premise as that Paul Rudd movie.
• Billy No Mates by Max Dickins is available now.
Where to get help:
• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• Youth services: (06) 3555 906
• Youthline: 0800 376 633
• What's Up: 0800 942 8787 (11am to11pm)
• Depression helpline: 0800 111 757(available 24/7)
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
• Helpline: 1737
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call
111.
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