KEY POINTS:
In my professional capacity as a fussy bastard, I've eaten at only one Thai place - the woeful, complacent Sawadee in Ponsonby, the memory of which makes me blush because we took a friend and were served McThai.
I've otherwise avoided Thai restaurants, not because I don't like Thai food - on the contrary, I usually choose it in food halls - but because it's hard to think of what to write. The food is either good or very good and it's either cheap or very cheap.
Grasshopper came to my rescue. The food is very bad. And very expensive.
This "Thai fusion" restaurant, the latest addition to the refurbished Stamford Plaza, occupies the space formerly filled by a brasserie that was the epitome of corporate bland: the diner felt like he could have been in Stoke-on-Trent or South Dakota, which was probably the intention. The design of Grasshopper, by contrast, is striking and individual - the colour scheme is regal purple and cool bamboo-lime, the central open kitchen conjures up the sense of an Asian marketplace and long banqueting tables cater for groups.
But the Saturday night we were there, a week or so after it opened, the place was almost empty.Perhaps word hasn't got around yet. Or perhaps it has.
The trouble began when we tried to sit down. The high-sided chairs were perhaps designed with a Thai bottom in mind; the Blonde's Rubenesque rear fitted snugly but I rather fancy that plenty of New Zealanders would have to call for a stool.
For an upscale restaurant in an upscale hotel, Grasshopper is pretty loose. Two of the booths were established as temporary offices (on a Saturday night?), one complete with computer power cord snaking across the floor to trip the unwary.
Some service was inept, the rest inattentive and bordering on indifferent. I wonder whether the hotel management have even looked around the place, much less eaten there. Many people have remarked on how excellent Grashopper's food is. I know this because the maitre d' told us so. She asked what we thought of our meals and the Blonde said: "Do you really want to know?"
The maitre d' said yes, so we told her. Then she told us that many people have remarked on how good the food is.
Among the things we mentioned: an appetiser of Alaskan crab was drab and dry and paired with an entirely unsuitable fiery green chilli sauce; another appetiser was coated prawns in a gluggy, tasteless floury ball with the life deep-fried out of it; I knew the meat in the duck-and-lychee salad was duck only because the menu said so - leathery, lifeless and shrivelled, it could have been beef or pork; the whole snapper was either not very fresh or overcooked or both; the "egg net" with pork was a vinegary concoction wrapped in a thin omelette. The fact that it was cold was not mentioned on the menu. Each of these small dishes, with rice (extra), cost in the region of $30.
The maitre d' offered us a liqueur with her compliments. We declined. The next night, I had a bowl of Thai green curry pork at the Rialto food hall. It was perfectly fine, tasty and generous. It cost $8.50. With rice.
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Grasshopper
Stamford Plaza Hotel
22 Albert St
Auckland
Ph 308 9211
Dinner daily, lunch Monday to Friday
Wine list: Standard. Scant by-the-glass choice.
Vegetarians: No worries.
Watch out for: The high-sided and very snug seats.
Sound check: You could hear a toothpick drop.
Bottom line: Distinctly unimpressive.
THE BILL
$152 FOR TWO
Appetisers (2) $26
Mains (3) $80.50
Rice (2) $9
Dessert (1) $9.50
Wine (3 glasses) $27
- Detours, HoS
