Gollum's cut

JAMES GRIFFIN goes poolside in Hawaii to get the only (unauthorised) interview with computer-generated creature Gollum.

The first thing you notice when meeting Gollum in the flesh (so to speak) is how much shorter he is in real life than he even appears on screen. Hobbits must tower over him. We're talking Kylie Minogue short. I reach down, we shake hands. The second thing you notice about Gollum is the smell of fish.

We're meeting in a bar at the luxurious Grand Wailea Resort on Maui, where Gollum has been taking time off the publicity trail to "get my heads together, yes, get away from the s*#t, and working on my tan". The Hawaiian sunshine seems to have turned him a bluey-greyish colour. Whether this is a "tan" in Gollum-world, I'm not entirely sure.

Gollum and I take our Mai Tais and a plate of sushi, and retreat to a poolside table. I ask him what it was like working with Peter Jackson.

"The Master, yes. He who must be obeyed. Gollum loves the Master, yes he does. Gollum loves him with all his heart. Oh, yes."

There's no truth to the rumours their on-set relationship declined to the point where Gollum would only communicate with his director by throwing dead animals at him?

"We sees things differently, the Master and Gollum. Sometimes the way he treats us."

He trails off into a moody silence, looks away, eats a handful of sushi, sips his Mai Tai. I ask him what he means. He turns back, suddenly bug-eyed and venomous.

"He treats us like we not real, yes, like we are one of his precious special effects. But Gollum has feelings, Gollum hurts, but does the Master care? No, no he cares only for the Books. His precious precious."

By "the Books" I presume Gollum means the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He nods, turns away again, has a prolonged, unintelligible conversation with himself, then orders more drinks. Only when these have been consumed does Gollum deign to speak again.

"Gollum love New Zealand, yes, Gollum love New Zealand people, very friendly, very kind to us. Not like the Master. Gollum loves the scenery, too, much scenery for such a small country. We especially like Waitomo Caves, yes, us is thinking of buying land there."

A few drinks later, he lets slip that his next movie role may bring him back to these shores, playing the lead in a tele-feature based on the life of American comedian Don Knotts. I make the mistake of smiling (trying not to laugh) and Gollum turns on me.

"You think Gollum is only about the Rings? Like the rest, you think Gollum has no career after the Rings is dust? They all think that, laugh at us, hurt us with cruel words. But Gollum does not laugh, Gollum knows this is the beginning, yes. And his agent knows this too, yes, he says we are the new Yoda, the next Steve Buscemi, yes. You are like the Master, with your cruel laughter. Sting us, it does."

Why did Peter Jackson laugh at him? Gollum turns his weepy eyes on me. They're a bit bloodshot round the edges from all the Mai Tais by now, but weepy nonetheless.

"He thinks we are joking, yes, thinks we are making funny joke, ha-ha. But it hurts us, it does, when our ideas he scorns. Must be by the Books, he says, must end like the Books say to end. Cursed books."

Gollum is beginning to cry - salty, fishy smelling tears. "We must take the Precious into the Cracks of Doom, he tells us, because the Books say this must be so. Big hairy fool, the Master shuts his mind to other possible endings, yes, like a big, hairy, foolish thing, yes."

How else should The Lord of the Rings end, I ask, with some trepidation.

"Gollum and Arwen, of course. She falls in love with us, yes, they buy farm in Gondor, raise little elf Gollums, yes, yes, she bears us many little Gollums, runs across the plains of Gondor in flowing elf dress, yes, yes, yesss.'

What about the ring?

"What ring?"

The one ring to rule them all, in the darkness bind them, etcetera?

"Who cares about ring? Ring schming, yes, I boot the Master up his ring, yes, yes. Liv Tyler major hottie compared to stupid ring, yes, that what people go to movies for, not stupid ring going into stupid Cracks of Doom. You like our idea for ending better, yes?"

I find it difficult to speak. Gollum spits sushi at me, runs across the lawn on all fours, dives into an ornamental pool, emerges with a giant carp between his teeth. He then proceeds to beat the carp to death on a rock.

I sense the interview is over.

* It's a Lord of the Rings weekend at nzherald.co.nz. Join us throughout this weekend for updates from Wellington as the city prepares to host Monday's world premiere of Part 3 in the Rings trilogy: The Return of the King.

Herald Feature: Lord of the Rings

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