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Far from the civilised centres of High St and Ponsonby Rd, savages roam a wild and brutish landscape. They travel in Toyotas or other Asian imports, stopping only when their most primitive desires - or their hungry, bawling offspring - indicate they should. At which stage they'll consume small unhealthy parcels of pastry and meat, deep fried potatoes and fat soaked sea creatures. But what's worse, far worse, than their mindless ingestion of meat pies, fish and chips, in fact, what really indicates their barbaric state of being, is this; they drink filter coffee. From gas stations. In plastic cups.
Happily, for those who understand the civilising power of the espresso machine, a few hardy souls out there are trying to educate the heathen on the joys of a well-made flat white or double short black in a porcelain cup.
Eutopia Organic Cafe - Kaiwaka, Northland
Almost everyone who's ever driven up north has seen the Eutopia Cafe. And they probably exclaimed "what the hell is that?" as they drove by. Because Eutopia is that odd looking white dome-cum-cave of a cafe on the main road going through Kaiwaka that looks more like a home for wayward hippies than an eaterie. And with all those signs proclaiming organic status, it certainly doesn't look like the kind of place you could get a good coffee. But turns out, owners Peter and Raewyn Harris know their burr grinder from their French press.
With Raewyn's growing interest in organics and the fact their section in Auckland was slowly being surrounded by suburban housing, the couple decided to swap the city for the country. Peter had studied philosophy and manufactured picture frames, and was now interested in manufacturing habitable domes made out of ferro-cement.
"And then we saw that piece of land was for sale on the intersection and we knew that would be a great place, exposure-wise," Peter recalls.
His daughter had always wanted to run her own cafe so Peter started to build Eutopia at the end of 2000, using his ferro-cement techniques. "We also call it fairy cement," he jokes, "because you can make fantasy buildings - basically it's a way of making strong structures in any shape. The council prefers it that way."
The cafe opened in 2001 and features a combination of all the architectural elements and even some of the natural environments Peter enjoys most.
"The cloister, the pillars, the beehive shapes, the caves these are all the things I find inspiring." In the past, the Harrises used to have to travel a fair distance out of Kaiwaka to get a decent cup of coffee, so they decided good coffee was a priority for their new Eutopia.
"Although it's hard up here because we don't have a large pool of baristas to employ from. And were pretty dependent on passing traffic." Sourcing the organic ingredients can be quite a mission too. But one of the positive side effects of that is organic milk.
"Somehow when you're making coffee it's got an edge," Peter says.
"It's sweeter and creamier and although it can be harder to froth its very good at making that lovely velvet."
"Yes, I think most people think I'm crazy.
"On the other hand, we get all sorts of reactions from people who come here and enjoy it, everything from, 'Well, that's slightly different' to 'Wow, I love this place, it's so inspiring'."
Flat White: $3.50
Beans: Allpress
Contact: (09) 431 2999
The West Coast Coffee Company - Sylvia Park, Mt Wellington
New Zealand's biggest shopping mall seems about the last place a yoga and meditation-loving vegetarian surfer should have ended up serving coffee.
But, says The West Coast Coffee Company owner Geoff Tippett, that's why it makes so much sense.
"I live on Waiheke because I want to be able to go home after work and go for a swim at the beach or have a barbecue ... I like the idea that we're bringing a little bit of that holiday story into the mall.
While studying more esoteric subjects such as yoga and meditation, Tippett found himself working regularly for some of Auckland's best cafes, including Santos on Ponsonby Rd, and later he roasted coffee for Allpress.
"When it came to coffee, I started to see which business models worked.
"A small footprint is less expensive and you need a captive audience."
At first he considered having a coffee cart that would visit city offices, but his first venture was a small cafe called Solo in the central city's Tower Centre after a chance encounter with a friend of a friend who was leasing the building.
Another chance encounter - he met one of the developers of Sylvia Park on the ferry from Waiheke - led to his next opportunity. "I sort of dismissed it. I didn't necessarily want to be involved in a mall, and especially one way out in Mt Wellington. But then I thought it would be good to try to compete with those big American brands who don't really make very good coffee anyway.
"And the developers there wanted something that had a little bit of a Kiwi feel as opposed to the generic mall thing."
So the idea for The West Coast Coffee Company brand came about. The name itself is because Tippett has spent a lot of time surfing at West Coast beaches.
His cafe has been open since last August. "It's a real New Zealand identity," he says, "As New Zealanders we always have one foot in the sand and the other in the city. So I thought I'd take the best of both those worlds and plant it in the middle of Sylvia Park.
Flat white: $3.80
Beans: Allpress
Contact: (09) 573 5901
The Bethells Beach Caravan - Bethells Beach
Many Aucklanders know the Bethells Beach caravan. It sits in the middle of its own grassy oasis, surrounded by dunes, with a couple of flower and raffia-clad picnic tables.
In summer it's a great place to get some home baking, a burger - and yes, a really good coffee. The caravan has been operating for about 30 years and Bethells Beach residents Jim and Anna Wheeler took over the kiosk about six years ago.
"Shirley Bethell seems to have been the last one who really made a viable business of it," Anna says. "After she let it go, it was passed on to various people, none of whom really kept it for very long."
Anna and Jim were determined to get the cafe running properly again.
Jim, whose family comes from Bethells, was working in the film industry and Anna was a midwife, constantly on call. Neither occupations seemed particularly oriented to their family life. The cafe-caravan - which has its own power and water and which the couple tow back home after every business day - seemed much more so.
"Initially we felt like we wanted this for the community," Anna says. "We don't have a community hall out here and we liked the idea of setting it up as a sort of focus for the community out here."
This has definitely happened - Friday nights you'll see plenty of Bethells locals hanging around the caravan and council and community meetings are held around it. Slowly but surely other visitors have also taken this special the coffee experience to heart. And much is attributable to the high standard of what is served.
"When we bought the caravan it was all Tip Top and electric blue. We practically had to rebuild it. And one of the first things we did was to buy a coffee machine."
The result is one of the most unusual places to get good coffee - in the middle of the dunes and next to the wild coast.
In summer, the caravan opens on holidays and weekends. In winter they serve takeaway coffees to those wanting a stroll along the beach.
"People are often like, 'Oh my God, its an oasis'," Anna says.
"And we like it because it feels like you're working outside And there's such a great sense of community around it."
Flat white: $3.50
Beans: Allpress
Contact: (09) 810 9387
Ultra Cafe and Catering - Onehunga
When they first opened five years ago they did have people wandering in and asking for - gasp, who would have thought? - white or black coffee.
"But that changed pretty quickly," says Jonathan Lousich, owner of Ultra Cafe and Catering. He didn't start up his business in Onehunga because of any desire to teach people that there's a lot more to coffee than colours. He had worked in hospitality for years and says: "It was always my dream to start a neighbourhood cafe, but definitely not in Ponsonby or in town."
The location eventually became obvious. Lousich has lived in Onehunga since 1997. He loves it and has seen it change.
"When I moved here there was really only one cafe that was rocking it. But since then Onehunga has changed quite a lot. There's been an influx of young urbanites with money and barely any options for a good coffee. I saw there was an opening to do this here."
Since then Ultra has become a favourite haunt for a lot of groovy new locals. Lousich reckons he always wanted a place like the television bar Cheers, where everybody knows your name.
He thinks that about 90 per cent of Ultra's customers are regulars, which means it's turning into what he wants.
As a bonus, Lousich and his crew often get asked to cater for inner-city functions.
And every Wednesday they also hold a cinema evening where patrons can come for dinner and a 50s or 60s movie.
"And really, that was the main reason I wanted to open the place up," he says. "It had nothing to do with any sort of pretentiousness, there's no coffee wankery here.
"Obviously I still wanted a bit of edge and sophistication, but without the bullshit. A half-strength decaf soy latte isn't really my thing."
Flat White: $3.50
Beans: Roasted Addiqtion
Contact: (09) 636 0630
Other outposts of coffee civilization: Utopia in Ohakune, Replete in Taupo, Pokeno Country Cafe, and Icoco cafes in Pt Chevalier and Royal Oak.