In the eyes of the law and the Government, LGBTs in New Zealand are in a good place compared with most other countries. When you live in a major city like Auckland or Wellington, it's also easy to fall under the impression that society-at-large also accepts you.
But that doesn't mean to say you won't have the slur of "faggot" hurled at you from a moving car.
It doesn't mean that you can rock up to every B&B in the country with somebody of the same sex and expect a warm welcome. Nor does it mean you can feel completely safe walking hand-in-hand everywhere and not feel like all eyes are on you.
This isn't internal homophobia at play. It has nothing to do with LGBTs feeling shame about who we are. Because the director of Freeheld is right: Legislative changes only go so far in changing the way other people think. You can't force anyone to accept difference, or to feel okay about something they feared only a decade ago.
That's not to say, I should note, that those intolerant of LGBTs are actually afraid of us. We present no danger to them. Our sexuality possesses us with no X-Men-like powers to control people's minds or bring down storms and floods upon the masses. There'll never be death by a thousand rainbows.
Tolerance is a strange term to use when we talk about LGBTs in society. Tolerance, by definition, is the ability or willingness to endure something you dislike or disagree with. It's a far cry from acceptance, which is what we really strive for.
We're often accused of "the gay agenda", though nobody can really explain what's on this agenda. Flamingos in every household? Complementing but not matching couples' outfits? Fabulous window treatments in every home? Who knows.
From my perspective, the only "agenda" we homosexuals have is to be accepted by everybody. Not just to be tolerated, but ubiquitously understood to be no less, and no more, than everybody else on the planet.
However, tolerance comes before acceptance, and even in New Zealand we don't have universal tolerance of gay people.
I know this because LGBT suicide rates are still estimated to be five times higher than those of the rest of the population. I know this because every single time I write about LGBT issues in this column, I receive threatening e-mails from people who call me a sinner and quote incoherent bible passages at me.
I know this because, without fail, I can't walk down a busy street on a night out with a group of friends, and not have something derogatory shouted at us by a drunkard.
No, I've never been spit on in the street. But I know some who have. And once I did have a hamburger thrown at me whilst waiting at a bus stop. Though the irony of hurling meat at me was probably lost on the offender, it was a reasonably clear indication that LGBT tolerance is not that widespread in New Zealand.
My husband, an officer in the Army, was recently on a bus full of other soldiers; one of whom had no problem repeatedly calling his peers "faggots" in what he thought was a game. To my husband's disbelief, the next day the offending soldier sheepishly approached him and apologised, vehemently repeating that he wasn't a homophobe.
When asked why he'd apologised, the soldier noted that five people - superiors, peers and subordinates - had corrected him on his behaviour. Naturally, my husband was superbly proud that the Army - so often marred in reputations of homophobia - had naturally responded to the issue so robustly that he didn't need to raise the issue himself.
This is what LBGTs need more of: Straight allies. Those who will not just stand beside us, but act on our behalf.
We need more allies who will say something when they see bigotry on the street, tell their friends saying "that's so gay" is not okay, and step in to help if they ever see an LGBT person in danger.
We also need more allies that will report online homophobic rants, and defeat trolls not by engaging with them, but by calling them out ¬- then ignoring them and watching them shrivel away.
Through these types of actions, universal tolerance will eventually come. Soon after, we'll be hot on the heels of omnipresent acceptance and a nation (and eventually a world) with less hate in it.
Call that "the gay agenda" if you want to. I call it evolving humanity. Whatever brush you want to paint it with, it's definitely not something anybody needs to be afraid of.
