KEY POINTS:
A guide for newbies wanting to look like old hands at Fashion Week
First time visitor to Air New Zealand Fashion Week? If you're worried about what to wear, what to do and where to queue, then worry no more. Just take some advice from this bluffer's guide to Fashion Week and you'll feel - and look - like a seasoned industry insider.
1. As you approach the Fashion Week venues, be sure to pick up the pace. Walk fast, don't dawdle, act as if you know exactly where you're going and who you need to speak to - all the fashion media, designers, stylists and event staff will be doing the same, pretending they're in a war zone rather than a Fashion Week.
2. When you meet someone you know well, go in for a hug and an air kiss. In New Zealand the standard for air kissing is one puckered breath - mwah! - to the side of the face. Doing the double, or even triple mwah, mwah, mwah, means you've either just come from overseas or you're a pretentious wanker.
Having said all that, it does feel like air kissing has fallen out of favour a little bit in the recent past - one suspects this is because Fashion Week has become more business-oriented and therefore too professional for kissing and hugging.
These days only the truly fruity will hug and kiss absolutely everyone, so the best advice would be to choose your embracees carefully.
3. What to wear, what to wear? Don't worry, it's not just you fretting. Wardrobe is the eternal dilemma of the both the experienced delegate to Fashion Week and the casual visitor.
So here are a few tips: If you've been invited to a show in the evening, it's acceptable to dress up a little more as usually there's an inherent element of celebration and if you're lucky, a bit of a knees-up afterwards.
If you're coming to Fashion Week during the day, it's a little easier-going. Well-groomed, stylish and relatively comfortable is really all you need. Because despite all the hype, remember this is really just a glorified trade fair. And remember too, that everyone here will be worrying about their outfits.
Going super-casual could indicate that you're a bit of a rock star who couldn't care less about such superficialities - newly minted style icon, actress Maggie Gyllenhaal wore Birkenstocks to the recent New York shows.
Going too wild and overdressing - unless you're promoting something of course - marks you out as a novice immediately.
4. If you've been invited to a designer's show because you're a loyal customer, close friend or family member, then it's a nice gesture to wear their clothes to their show. But if you're dashing home between shows, to change labels just in case you meet the designer and can then suck up to them, well that's just kind of sad.
5. Memorise these lines: "I'm making a civilian's arrest on behalf of the Auckland fashion police". Then, if horror of horrors, somebody turns up wearing the same outfit as you - a clear and present danger if you go to a designer's show wearing said designer's clothes - you will be well prepared. Walk up to them immediately, grab their arm and say the lines. On the other hand, if you think it's no laughing matter, either stand at the opposite side of the room or leave early in shame.
6. Two things that should be avoided at shows unless you're US Vogue editor-in-chief, Anna Wintour or maybe Demi Moore: wearing sunglasses in the front row. And dragging your poor, screaming baby into a fashion show (unless it's Trelise Cooper's children's show, of course).
7. You may not be front-row material - don't worry, those seats are reserved for the people that can do the designer the most good, that is, the media who will give them publicity and the retailers who will purchase the clothes to sell to the likes of you.
But that doesn't mean you cannot pretend you are front-row material. One of the most obvious marks of the front-rower is the amount of baggage they are carrying around - this is because they're collecting goodie bags at every show and often have nowhere to stash them. Often the goodies are stashed in paper or plastic bags from the designer's own store. The really cunning will arm themselves with several paper or plastic bags from the stores, then all their friends will wonder how they got to be so important.
8. Same goes for the free drinks. Buy yourself a few of those small bottles of Deutz and some straws. Then while waiting in queues or storming along hallways (as instructed in #1), pull them out and start sipping.
9. If you haven't been lucky enough to be allocated a seat at a runway show, then stand somewhere where you could still easily get to the front row with your dignity - and outfit - intact. It depends on the popularity of the show, but often not all the invited guests turn up. Which means that seconds before the show starts, the ushers will ask you to take any unfilled seats. If you're quick enough and your high heels allow, you could sprint to the front row and get a seat - not to mention grabbing yourself a real goodie bag to add to your collection of fake ones.
10. Drop a few names. Designer's names are too obvious and hair and makeup artists are not well known enough. Instead memorise the stylist's name - it should be on any press information or credits that you find on your seat - and talk loudly about how you really think their styling has made a huge difference to the label's work and how their choice of footwear was inspired. And so forth and so on.
11. The other thing you could talk loudly about is how boring the after-show party was. Because to be honest, most of the after-show parties are not the wild, glamorous parties complete with hot models and designer outfits that they're reputed to be. There's been the occasional gig that's turned raucous, but this is usually because of a surfeit of hysteria.
Usually in New Zealand an after-party consists of the designer, his or her family, co-workers and a few close mates having dinner and drinks, relieved that it's all over. The hot models, the good-looking celebrities and almost everyone else usually heads home as soon as possible to prepare for the next day's work.
And even if there are a lot of Fashion Week people at the after party, you'll often find they just stand around smoking and looking at each other's clothes. Contrary to popular opinion, while people may dress outrageously at these things, they don't tend to act that way.
12. Try to gain entry to the Air New Zealand VIP lounge at the top of the building because you've heard about the great views, the lovely bar staff and the nice furniture up there. And then complain about how they wouldn't let you in. You may think this marks you out as an outsider but in fact, as far as anyone can tell, only about 10 people in the whole of Auckland are ever allowed into the sponsor's private nosh-hole at once. It's the VIP lounge of all VIP lounges and invitations inside are as rare as a simple black dress at an Annah Stretton show.
13. If you see Rachel Hunter roaming around, do not gawk rudely. Besides being a VIP at Fashion Week, the Glenfield surfie-chick-turned-supermodel is also putting on a runway show to present her brand new swim wear collection, Lola. While it's not exactly serious fashion, it would still be jolly exciting to see New Zealand's first nod to the cult of the celebrity designer emerge from behind the scenes, clad only in a bikini.
14. Here's a list of things that experienced Fashion Weekers always talk about. Simply improvise on any of these subjects and you too will look like a professional fashion show watcher.
* The lack of inexpensive, readily available food at the venue;
* The fact that no one can get into the Air New Zealand VIP lounge where Rachel Hunter will be playing hostess this year;
* Sore feet;
* Car parking;
* Which web log to believe - who knows? There are so many;
* Where the buses for the off-site shows will leave from;
* The extremely frightening possibility, mooted on television news the other night, that one day there might be a Wellington Fashion Week.
