KEY POINTS:
Right. It's time to get in shape. Sod it. That's too hard. It's time to get in shapewear. Sales of Bridget Jones-style "giant stomach sucking-in pants" have, thanks to the ditzy Brit and her sadistic country-women, Trinny and Susannah, ballooned.
Thankfully, however, the days of wasp-waisted, swoon-inducing corsets are all but gone.
These days shapewear is not about reducing your waist to the size of your wrist or cantilevering your boobs up near your ears. It's about making your clothes sit flat and smooth and reducing the nasty sensation that your outer limits are still moving long after your feet have stopped.
Jockey, the same company that put the Dan in underpants, has had huge success with its line of new-generation shapewear by offering more colour options than just "frump beige" and making a range of undergarments that are more pretty, more comfortable and more effective. The result is a reported sales increase of more than 100 per cent in the past year.
And it's not just Jockey. Valeria Burrows, local distributor of Cette underwear (makers of Trinny and Susannah's "magic knickers") says sales have more than doubled since the gruesome twosome took them mainstream on television.
Jockey product development manager Tessa Benham says improved design has also helped make shapewear more acceptable for women of all ages and body shapes. They're more comfortable to wear and look prettier. "It's like putting on your makeup," she says.
Instead of rushing straight to the flashy lippy and sparkly eyeshadow, you first build a foundation on which they sit.
"These are foundation garments designed to improve how the top layers of your outfit look and move."
There have also been advances in fabric technology which make it possible to have your wobbly bits strapped down in the height of summer without the risk of swooning in the heat or sweating horribly. But before you dive thighs-first into the nearest spandex cover-all, there are key things to remember.
* Don't expect miracles. These garments are not going to make a size 16 a size 6. They can't change the laws of physics.
* Buy the right size. Don't think you can beat rule number one by buying shapewear two sizes too small. You'll just go blue from lack of blood flow and resemble a badly stuffed sausage. Squeeze something too hard in one place, it's got to pop out somewhere else. Not hot.
* Think about what you'll be wearing over the shapewear and what part of your body you want to emphasise or control. There are different styles of shapewear designed to focus on different problem areas. Do some research.
Here are some reviews of a few items in the ever-growing ocean of control garments. Think of this as the Top Gear of shapewear - with fewer spare tires.
1. Jockey 1950S booster Cami, $64.99
This is a defining garment in the new age of shapewear. It's sexy and stylish but still supportive. It's at the "firm control" end of the range but keeps jiggle and roll under control, while still being comfortable. It takes a little man-handling (man sold separately) to get on but it's worth it. It also has adjustable straps so you can wear it crossed at the back or halter-style. The only gripe, which hopefully will be remedied, is that it's available only up to a C-cup.
2. Jockey 1950s Hi-rise Pants, $39.99
These are a little retro in the cut, but hipper for it. They're a great match with the cami, sharing the same stylish patterned panels in sleek black. Together they're a good tag-team. The cami reins in the back and waist, the pants hold in your stomach and lifts your butt.
3. Jockey Hide and Sleek Bodysuit, $54.99
A basic old-school bodysuit with empire-line. Gives great support to the stomach and waist without flattening your boobs. This is incredibly comfortable to wear and makes a great basic wardrobe item. The smooth shine of the fabric makes your outer clothes skim over it nicely. Great for beating the horrors of muffin-top.
4. Playtex Second Skin waist shaper $39.95
These lose a few points in the prettiness stakes but, dammit, they work. They are one of the few garments that pull right up under your bra and stay there. In fact, they're almost too effective. My advice would be not to wear them all day at work, then on into the night as you'll feel you're being ever so gently squeezed in half. But what's a few squashed ribs? These definitely flatten out the stomach and are relatively seamless, so VPL shouldn't be a problem under most outfits. Another defeater of the dreaded muffin.
5. Triumph Sculpt 'n' Shape Body Shaper Skirt, $34.95
Another favourite. This straight-slip style keeps your butt, thighs and stomach in check and is great under high-waisted pencil skirts and nipped-in shirts. It has a basque band around the belly for extra support and sits high in the waist to avoid overflow. It also improves your bumps and rolls by forcing you to stand up straighter. For all that, it's surprisingly comfortable - although it too probably has an eight-hour limit.
6. Triumph Sculpt 'n' Shape Short Leg Pants, $29.95
These are great under pants and skirts if your butt and thighs are your sensitive issue. They're a pretty firm hold so some people will have problems with being squeezed at the waist. But if it's your behind that's a bother, these are for you.
7. Triumph Sculpt 'n' Shape Bodydress, $99.99
One of my favourites. It's a lighter degree of hold than others tested in the Triumph range, so it feels great on, while still keeping all the key problem areas under control. It also has a light rubber strip around the hem so it won't creep up as you walk. Perfect under those unforgiving clingy wrap dresses we love but are too scared to wear.
8. Trinny & Susannah Magic Knickers Bum, Tum and Thigh Reducer, $130
It turns out Trinny and Susannah are right to take credit for the shapewear boom. This, their biggest selling item, is great. It will definitely slim you down - if only because you'll burn off a few calories trying to get into the things. But once you're in, jiggle is a distant memory. Stretching from just above the knee to under the boobs, most of your body is smoothed out and held down. Made from Skinlife Lycra, a high-performance sports fabric, it's seamless for the all-important invisibility even under tight clothes, and offers really good offers support for everything - butt, thighs, stomach and waist.
9. Trinny & Susannah Magic Knickers High Waist Thong, $130 If there was an award for the least attractive piece of shapewear, this could be a winner. But, as we all desperately insist, looks aren't everything and this is an extremely useful number. The G-string means no VPL whatever you're wearing, and above that it comes with the same waist/stomach-reducing technology as the rest of the T&S range. All good.
10. Cette Evolution High-waist Shaper, $75
Belgian company Cette also manufactures the Trinny & Susannah range and these are very similar. The fabric is not quite as robust as the T&S range, although it's still breathable and the support isgood. They're also slightly more comfortable to wear.
11. Rago Lacette Body Briefer, $210
I defy anybody to put this on and not come over all Marilyn Monroe or early 90s Madonna. It has shaping panels around the waist, stomach and thighs, but it's also gorgeously lacy and deeply retro cool. To increase the vamp element further, it has garter clips at the hem.
- HERALD ON SUNDAY
