There are always some stressful family dynamics at Christmas but with some simple tricks, it doesn't need to ruin your holidays. Photo / Getty Images
There are always some stressful family dynamics at Christmas but with some simple tricks, it doesn't need to ruin your holidays. Photo / Getty Images
Meditation and stress management expert Georgia Vavasour gives top tips for not losing your cool with your whānau this Christmas
The holiday season brings with it much deserved rest but also increased time with family, which can come with its challenges. Here are some tips on how tonavigate those sometimes difficult dynamics more smoothly.
1. Have accurate expectations
If we expect that suddenly a person will have changed and become an adaptable, flexible, open-minded, friendly, brand-new version of themselves this Christmas, then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Disappointment brings suffering. There is an analogy from the ancient wisdom traditions - that of the walnut and the mango tree. We should not go to the walnut tree expecting to be given mangoes. If we know that every time we visit the walnut tree (our challenging family member), that they dish up walnuts, then we cannot be disappointed. We’re less likely to be upset by their behaviour, which may not be of the standard that we would desire, or in fact exhibit ourselves. If, however, we keep going to the walnut tree expecting that today, this week, this year, suddenly it’s going to deliver mangoes, we will continually be disappointed and suffer as a result. We may even be able to smilingly enjoy the same old walnuts from time to time if our expectations are accurate.
2. It’s good to remember that everyone is acting according to their own level of awareness and maturity
Their own nature or consciousness state. The lion will act according to its leonine instincts. The spider will always weave a web. But we are also evolving. When we were 8, we may have taken $10 out of a parent’s wallet without asking, but aged 30 that would seem unthinkable. When interacting with others, who may be exhibiting lesser evolved means of relating, and/or who have a more stressed physiology (the more stress we have the more likely it is our behaviour will present in less evolved or reactive way), then we can remind ourselves that what is on display is a level of awareness, a level of stress or both. It will help us not to personalise the situation - it’s almost always not about us, but rather the internal experience of another, their stress levels and what they’ve experienced in their past. We may be able to hold space for them, to find empathy and to step back from our own reactivity when we keep this in mind.
3. Trying to change them, convince them of change or expecting them to change is likely to be a futile exercise
Change occurs from within when that person makes a choice of their own volition, and we will know that time has arrived as they will come to us with genuine inquiry as to how they may be able to overcome some of the challenges they’re experiencing, or they start to take action in that direction. If not, then our job is to simply accept them where they’re at, not to try to take over their evolution.
4. A state of appreciation is love
When the motherload of walnuts is being dished out, we may want to find a way to continue to be loving, even when it’s hard (which is not to say that we should accept abusive or offensive behaviour - see point 6). If we can appreciate the finer features of the walnut tree - perhaps the gnarly trunk is quite beautiful, perhaps the way the sun is dancing on the leaves of the tree is captivating - we can move from judgment or dislike, into a more loving state. See to what extent you can find something to appreciate in their features or personality. This is a very powerful act, it’s a loving act. There’s always something, no matter how small to appreciate.
Don’t arrive to a family gathering already exhausted. Take some time, and allow some space to unwind before the event. Photo / Getty Images
5. Remember to resource yourself well
Don’t arrive to a family gathering where you expect there could be difficult dynamics at play exhausted, having rushed there without any rest. Take some time, allow some space to unwind before the event. Ideally, if you have a meditation or other nervous system regulation practice, make time to practise this before going so you can give yourself the best opportunity of showing up with some adaptation and energy in the tank, lengthening your fuse considerably.
6. We always have the choice to gracefully remove ourselves from a situation, or conversation if we find that it’s not deserving of our attention, or it’s damaging
We can excuse ourselves to take some air, wash the dishes in solitude, to enjoy the innocence of the children or leave altogether if that’s necessary for our wellbeing. These strategies, when employed, can completely shift the dynamics of challenging interactions, allowing us to enjoy increased unity with family over the coming holiday season.
