Therapist Michelle Kasey offers a guide to navigating libido loss and fostering connection in relationships. Photo / Getty Images
Kiwi sex and relationships therapist Michelle Kasey advises on how to resolve this common problem in long-term relationships.
I’ll be honest: you aren’t going to find any quick fixes for a low libido in this article. I’d be surprised if the libido-related challenges you’re experiencing were completely resolved by this information alone. Stay with me here, though, because I’m also confident this article will be incredibly helpful. It feels kind to be upfront, as the last thing you need right now might be more pressure, hurt or disappointment.
Libido loss is a very normal human experience that makes an appearance in most long-term relationships. The good news? It’s also very resolvable. I’ve helped hundreds of people navigate changes in their libidos and, in this article, my goal is to offer a gentle nudge or two in the right direction, helping you have more love, connection and juicy pleasures in your life.
On this journey, it’s important to understand and accept that libido – your desire for sexual activity – is influenced by many complex biological, psychological and relational factors. Advice like “just start doing it more” or “spice it up a little” may sound simple, but it’s unlikely to lead to meaningful or lasting change. Instead, I encourage you to approach this with a big spoonful of curiosity and patience, exploring the holistic picture of your desire.
There is no “normal” when it comes to libido. It varies greatly from person to person and within individuals over a lifetime. If you’ve been experiencing a recent drop, it may simply be part of a natural cycle and you might find yourself in a sexual spring or even summer again soon. Or perhaps you’ve been in a long winter, feeling frozen and disconnected from your eroticism.
If so, let’s begin the process of thawing, warming things up gently and mindfully. This isn’t about fixing anything – because you’re most certainly not a problem to be solved – it’s about bringing curiosity, attention and care to your experience, allowing your unique expression of desire to emerge.
There are five common low libido stumbles. All can be turned into more useful approaches, guiding you into your next season of pleasure.
Stress negatively affects the vast majority of people’s libido and pleasure. You probably already know this, and the last thing I want to do is make you feel guilty for being stressed – especially when there are so many valid things to be stressed about in life.
I also most definitely think you deserve to feel present, grounded and good in your mind and body. If stress is a factor for you, a gentle self-care exercise can help.
Reflect on these questions:
If you’re reading this on behalf of your relationship, you might take these questions into a conversation with your beloved. Stress management in the context of libido is a topic to treat carefully and is best framed as a “we” goal, not a “you” issue – ask your partner “How can we better understand and reduce our stress levels as a team?”
It can be incredibly tender to both ask and hear the question, “Why aren’t you attracted to me any more?”
Perhaps you still see your partner as the most handsome or beautiful person you’ve ever known, yet you’ve noticed the spark has faded and you don’t understand why. You feel something deeper is at play, but you don’t quite know what.
Maybe you’ve found yourself no longer feeling attracted to your partner for reasons you can’t fully articulate. You’re unsure how to bring it up, afraid of causing hurt to your honey, who clearly needs reassurance.
Or perhaps you’ve felt unwanted by your partner for years. It took immense courage to ask this question, despite the fear of hearing an answer that might confirm your worst fears. But something has to change and you can no longer avoid addressing it.
Rather than dwelling on the emotionally charged question of why attraction has faded, it can be more constructive to focus on the quality of your emotional connection. Why? Because emotional intimacy and desire are deeply intertwined. When one partner feels unseen, unheard or unloved, desire often fades.
Take a moment to reflect: how would you describe the emotional connection in your relationship lately? Is it thriving, or could it benefit from growth and care?
Ask your partner these questions:
There’s truth in the value of adding novelty to a relationship. New experiences can spark curiosity, reignite excitement and activate the brain’s reward systems, countering the effects of familiarity that can sometimes dull desire. However, the concept of “spicing things up” can also feel overwhelming or create pressure, leading to shutdowns rather than sparks.
If that resonates with you, shift your focus to creating safe, pressure-free spaces for playful, pleasurable exploration. Let go of expectations and “shoulds” and instead prioritise comfort, relaxation and curiosity.
This can be a time to reconnect with your body through gentle, mindful trial and error – exploring areas of sensitivity, experimenting with touch and discovering what feels good now.
It’s normal to find that some sensations or styles of touch that were once a turn-on don’t have the same excitement any more. They might even have become a turn-off. Approach these changes playfully – you’ll soon feel more comfortable being in this space of discovery.
One exercise I often recommend to my clients is dedicating a full month to increasing the quantity and quality of non-sexual physical touch – without any expectation of sex. This might include soothing massages, cuddles, sensation play, hand-holding, making out or walking in nature together with your full presence and best energy. These pleasurable moments of connection can build intimacy, reduce pressure and gently invite libido to reawaken in its own time.
It’s common to hear advice like “use it or lose it” when addressing a low libido. While there’s some truth in this idea, framing sex as an obligation can strip away its joy, making it feel more like a chore than a place to experience connection and pleasure.
Instead of talking again about how much you’re not having sex, shift your attention to a better understanding of what builds feelings of attraction, playfulness and sexual confidence in your relationship. Here’s another round of questions to explore:
Pressure might make diamonds, but it doesn’t make pleasure. When it comes to libido changes, a sense of urgency tends to work against you. It’s natural to feel frustrated if you, your partner or your relationship feels stuck. But rather than focusing on fixing the issue, consider the value of wiping the slate clean and creating a more supportive and nurturing environment – one that prioritises patience, understanding and mutual care.
That said, it’s equally important to recognise that every relationship involves balancing the needs of both partners. If one person feels neglected because of a lack of intimacy, you should approach the situation as a team. Open, honest communication about your needs and feelings – coupled with a commitment to finding a resolution together – can cultivate connection and pave the way toward rediscovering intimacy.
To help you on that journey, here’s a final trio of questions:
I hope this has given you a new perspective and a sense of clarity and grace for yourself and your relationship. Making sense of the complex interplay of emotions, relationships and physical factors that shape libido can be tough but you don’t have to do it alone. If you’d like my support on this journey, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d be honoured to help.
Michelle Kasey is an award-winning NZ-based sex and relationships therapist who helps clients worldwide to have healthier relationships and more satisfying sex lives. She is also a celebrated burlesque artist and teacher, champion pole dancer and writer.
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