It's your first time here so permit me to say on behalf of us all that it's a thrill to host the fourth in line to the throne. Beg your pardon, this just in: the fifth in line. Stink buzz, that. You'd make a much better monarch than that dribbling little Charlene.
Look at it this way. If the UK press have it right, Westminster is on the precipice of catastrophe, civil war is almost inevitable, and there's every chance the Scots will seek to destroy, uproot or exile all that is good about England, including your family. By the time you get back you could be king.
While you mull that over, a quick briefing on contemporary life in New Zealand.
Hotspots
Over the next week you'll be travelling to lively metropolitan centres such as Whanganui, Palmerston North and Invercargill. For reasons of personal safety you will be spending a bit of time in the warm embrace of Southland and none in the breakaway republic of Northland, aka "NZ's Chechnya", presided over by the centuries-old rebel warlord and leader of the opposition Winston Peters.
You like a prank, a joke, a bit of old-fashioned horseplay, don't you old bean? Cavorting around Vegas with your crown jewels dangling out, dressing up as a Nazi for a costume party - we've all been there! You might be about to meet your match, though, in the shape of New Zealand's Prime Minister, chief political correspondent, and prankster-in-chief. Just Kidding John Key, the youngsters call him, and I'll tell you this: he's done more for human rights in Saudi Arabia and hilarious pranking worldwide than Barack Obama ever did.
Don't leave me hanging, Harry. Photo / Brett Phibbs
Dude is as casual as an afternoon stroll in sneans. Dude is so laidback he's practically planking.
Should you get a call from a silly voice asking if your fridge is running, that'll be him. "JK, it's JK!" he'll snort as he slams down the phone. If you return to your room to find all the furniture wrapped in newspaper, that'll be him, too. There he is, springing from behind the door, dressed up like Richard Simmons: "JK, it's JK!"
JK loves his horseplay, but he also loves his wordplay - don't be surprised if he asks you to play crazy golf with him and our teenage champion - a round of Ko-Key Pokey. Boom! You might sometimes find the accent difficult to decipher, but this sort of gag is why people are talking about the Prime Minister and his thing for punny tales. He loves a bit of casually tantalising but respectful punny tale. Who doesn't?
Unseasonably warm at the moment isn't it? Photo / File
Sport
You're off to see the mighty Hurricanes, and you'll be promoting the NZ-hosted Fifa Under-20 tournament. The national rugger side are the All Blacks, as you know, while the footy lot are the All Whites. I mention this because your grandfather might find it amusing. When your brother was here with his missus they went on Team New Zealand yachts, but they've since been sunk because they don't have a catchy moniker involving black or white. We like our colour codes in these parts.
For instance, our most beloved bachelor is a Mr Green, while our most embattled non-bachelor-though-he-sometimes-got-confused is a Mr Brown.
The colours on our flag, meanwhile, are blue, red and white, but that's not important and I don't even know why I brought it up. Fancy a beer?
Rugger captain Richie McCaw runs straight at the opposition scrum half. Photo / APN
Culture
Art is very popular, a big conversation topic in New Zealand right at the moment. And so is
If you read the Australian papers while you were wrestling crocs or whatever it was you were up to, you'll know that the New Zealand economy is kicking the Ockers' proverbial, and we're on the cusp of something surplus.
Small problem. Our finance man English Bill says it's not going to happen. He says we've lost heaps of weight but not enough weight to actually become a negative weight, and JK-JK, all casual like, says the surplus thing was always, you know, an "artificial target" and totally like "trying to land a 747 on a pin head".
You're a pilot, Hazza, so maybe this is something you could have a word with JK about. He's right, isn't he, it's bloody tricky landing a 747 on a pin head, so maybe you could combine your aviation expertise and legendary charm to suggest to him that it's not a very good idea to be telling everyone, everywhere, all the time before an election that you're about to land a 747 on a pin head. Put it this way: if English Bill and JK had a dollar for every time they'd said we were returning to surplus, we'd be returning to surplus.
Fancy buying some state houses?
Fitting in
Have a good time, Harry. We'll know you're truly one of us when you're worried about injuries to first-fives and not fly-halves, when you prefer a three-way handshake to a curtsey, and when you just can't quite understand what Whanau Ora does.
One last point. If we don't like the way you drive we reserve the right to flag you over and take away your keys. Not that there's anything going on with the flag.
