But Hobley, 44, who splits her time between New York City and the North Fork of Long Island with her husband and two daughters, believes there are many ways for people to mingle. She wants to be involved in all of them.
For Hobley, in-person matchmaking is a “hobby or a passion,” she said, not something she has “ever been paid to do.” Sometimes singles will reach out to her via email or social media asking for help. Other times she strikes up conversations with strangers while out and about. “I will just meet someone at an event or in line for a coffee shop or that amazing donut place in Sag Harbor, and we will start talking,” she said. “I’ll say, ‘You’re great. Let’s help you find someone as perfect as you.’”
When she meets someone, she finds out where they live (“because geography matters”), what kind of partner they are looking for (“Are they straight? Pan? Queer? I do all of it”) and their deal-breakers (“Like, is religion really, really important to you, or do they have to be good at Wordle?”)
She then writes down all the information in a spreadsheet and keeps that person in mind as she goes about her work. “I’m around single people a lot,” she said. “I work at Tinder, but I also travel the world and go to so many events.” She also asks for help on social media. The other day, for example, she posted on Instagram: “I’m helping a super high energy 60-something grandpa find love in the North Fork! Message me if you have someone.”
This conversation has been lightly edited for clarity.
Q: What makes you a good matchmaker?
A: I honestly think it comes from moving to New York City as a girl from Muncie, Indiana, and feeling like an outsider. I had no connections, no powerful family members, no friends and no money. I kind of had to be outgoing, and I learned how to go up and talk to people I don’t know.
Q: You said even famous people are having trouble finding love. Can you give us some examples?
A: I am helping this amazing person from RuPaul’s Drag Race find someone who is half a quarter as magnificent as he is. I recently worked with this lovely person who worked in news and found it hard to be on an app. I told him I have interesting people for him to meet, and now he’s in a happy, committed relationship.
Q: You met your husband while matchmaking for a friend. Can you tell us the story?
A: My friend dragged me to Employees Only in the West Village one night. She thought this guy at the bar was interesting, so I went over to him, and I said, “My friend thinks you are the hottest person in the West Village. You should definitely go get her a drink.” He did, and then I started talking to his friend, and we got married a few years later.
Q: What do you say to people who wonder why an executive at a dating app is matching people in real life? Shouldn’t you be encouraging people to use Tinder?
A: Tinder actually launched a matchmaking feature that I was especially excited about because of my matchmaking. We rolled it out at the end of 2023, and the way it works is that you open up your profile and then you can send a link to several friends or family members, and then they can see your matches and swipe for you.
Not everyone can be on dating apps, and there are many ways to find love out there. I want to be involved in all of them.
Q: Why do you think matchmaking works?
A: We’re not great at knowing who is a good fit for us. Even people who think they are open aren’t really open. We’re too quick and too judgmental.
But other people can be more open-minded for you, and I think that’s why matchmaking works. Because some of these beautiful, amazing stories and connections come from being a little bit more open.
Q: There seems to be dating-app fatigue. Why do you think that is?
A: We partnered with the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University to do research and get to the bottom of this feeling. What we think is happening is what we are calling, “instant-gratification conditioning.” You can get a chopper to the Hamptons, book a hotel, order ramen at 2am all on your phone and get it. So people expect the same from dating apps. And they are mad the apps aren’t leading them to finding their person in moments. But that isn’t how love works.
Q: Is it a good thing for people to be questioning dating apps and trying to meet more in person?
A: It might sound funny to hear this from somebody working at the biggest dating app in the world, but yeah, if you are at a party, put your phone down. If you’re at a bar with interesting people, put your phone away.
But then there are times when dating apps make sense. How am I supposed to tell a single mom who is a nurse to just put down her phone and go to happy hour and meet someone? Or the person who knows they are part of the LGBTQ community, but isn’t ready to come out to their family and friends, but is ready to show up as themselves on Tinder?
Everyone wants the story where we reached for the same avocado and then sparks flew, and that does happen, but our research shows that only 8% of offline daters say it’s easy for them to find a date in real life. So for everyone else, there has to be other ways to connect.
Q: Have you thought about monetising this side hustle?
A: Maybe when I retire!
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Alyson Krueger
Photographs by: Graham Dickie
©2024 THE NEW YORK TIMES
