Michele Hewitson: Of barbies and bunkers

I do hope you've been watching Gone Fishin' over the hols. It is the best summer viewing on the telly, especially the cooking section which has replaced Muck In a Minute in my affections.

I love cooking shows which make you feel slightly queasy. This is far preferable to cooking shows which make you want to eat food because eating food will only make you fat. Everyone knows that.

My favourite recipe, if that is not overstating the exercise, was one involving a kingfish steak done on the barbie.

Alongside the fish steak was placed a pile of baby spinach. It was also done on the barbie. This was called blanching. Then you spray on a bit of avocado oil.

I suppose this is what you do in Pacific Rim cooking when what you're really doing is sticking a bunch of spinach on a barbie. You wouldn't want to get that spray-on oil confused with the spray-on tan in a can after a few tinnies. Still, after a few tinnies (or even before a few tinnies) you'd probably hardly notice the difference.

Stick the blanched spinach on the plate, bang the fish steak on top, then a drizzle of some Japanese sauce, the name of which escapes me because I was laughing quite loudly at that point. I'd hazard, though, that it was the name of the sauce emblazoned on the chef's apron.

Then a couple of bits of that pickled ginger stuff on the side. It belongs over the side if you ask me, but what would I know?

Anyway, this is brilliant telly and I'm at least a stone lighter for watching it.

Gone Fishin' is not quite the most brilliant telly ever made though. We're still waiting for this, but it is not too far off.

Trust Donald Trump to come up with the best idea since, well, The Apprentice. The Apprentice appealed to people who thought that appearing venal and cut-throat on prime time telly was attractive. Presumably some people will be mad enough - or desperate to be on the telly - to sign up for Donald Trump's new ridiculous television venture. It's golf.

Actually, I thought I might. I can't play golf but I could take a few lessons and be in to win a million bucks. Which The Trump is going to personally give to the one golfer who can prove he or she has the skill and nerve. And so on.

The Trump is really going to personally hand over a million bucks made up of the $15,000 entry fee each of the 100 competitors will have to fork out just to enter.

I looked up the entry form and found out that even to apply, all entrants are required to complete the official registration form and submit a deposit of $5000. Cheques will be cashed upon receipt, and if a registrant is not selected for the event, the deposit will be refunded within 10 days of the final player field being established.

All players will be required to stay at the Raffles Resort or sister resort Tamarind, on Canouan Island in the Grenadines, for a minimum of five nights during the duration of their matches, unless specifically assigned lodging at another location by the tournament committee. The hotel packages will be priced from $300 to $910 per night and so on.

Now this really is visionary telly. Get suckers to pay to go on a show with your name on it and which you have no doubt sold for a vast sum. This sort of stuff makes reality telly, with its free talent, look like even more like amateur hour than the resulting footage.

The Trump Million Dollar Invitational for chumps will make terrible telly but it will make a lot of money for guess who. Now that is brilliant.