Michele Hewitson: Experimental text message lab

Yet another conversation between intellectuals at the Shakespeare Tavern. "What's up with that labrador then, eh?"

"I think it's lost."

"Yeah, it's lost in the jungle and doesn't know how to find its way back. It's scared. It's too cute to be evil."

"Don't be ridiculous. That dog's not lost. And it sure as hell ain't scared. It's up to something. You people shouldn't be allowed to watch television."

But we all have been, of course. We've all been watching Lost and we all have theories - although only my theories will turn out to be correct.

You mark my words: that dog is up to no good.

Nobody is up to any good on Lost. Or they are up to good and the monster - and that dog - are determined to stop any goodness.

Lost takes hitherto quite intelligent people down daft pathways.

"They're all dead and they're in purgatory," said a bloke I used to respect.

Although he is still sounding relatively sane compared to the nutters who chat on the internet about what the cast of Lost are doing on that island, with the wreck of a plane around them, a roaring, scary thing in the jungle, a polar bear and that up-to-no-good hound.

I have to admit that I went in search of dog theories on the internet. The dog's name is Vincent - which is peculiar in itself, because whoever heard of a golden lab called Vincent? A sausage dog maybe, but not a lab.

I found out, well, nothing, except that I may or may not be right.

I also found out that "there is no monster. There is the illusion of a monster".

And that there is a popular theory called the "Quiet Earth plus Quantum Sinkhole Theory". But I am not going to go there and neither should you unless you are a seriously sad bastard. There is also something about white sneakers (not my italics). This could be significant because, apparently, in the first episode there's a shot of a white tennis shoe stuck in the branch of a tree.

"Is there a culture," asks some nutter, "that buries their dead in white shoes? Or is there a culture that dreaming about the dead in white shoes symbolises something?" Yep. Absolutely. I'm sure if I was a very keen outdoor bowler I'd want to go off to purgatory wearing my bowling shoes.

Mad. Mad. Mad. But what fun. Especially the stuff about the dog.

Hey, if that dog was lost, why didn't it get skinny, eh?

And if it was hungry why didn't it find its way back to the survivors, because people equals food, huh? You dummies.

We haven't enjoyed such barking telly theories since, oh, Who Shot JR?, or Twin Peaks or the one about how Bill Ralston's running TVNZ's news over time on purpose to subliminally stop people switching over to Paul Holmes on Prime.

And talking about barking, those text messages running along the bottom of Mr Holmes' nice ties seemed a loopy idea to begin with.

But we've come around to this as innovative, interactive current affairs.

Conversation between serious, senior journalists in a newsroom not very far removed from the Shakespeare Tavern.

You could text in: "Has anyone taped Corrie? Please call me on ... "

Or: "Mitsubishi Lancer for sale. One lady owner. Call me on ... "

Or: "Close Up's got a really good story on. Switch channels NOW. Sender: B Ralston."

So the idea has possibilities. I'd like to get a really good text dialogue going under Paul's ties about just what you think that dog's up to.