Emily Writes: My top 5 parenting confessions

Emily Writes reveals the bribes, confessions and fantasies of motherhood. Photo / Getty

I was told that I should be writing lists because nobody these days reads anything long-form. Pffft. I just don't believe that. But I thought I'd have a go anyway...

Top five lies I've told my toddler

1. Let it Go stops working if you play it more than three times in a row.
2. You'll make Fireman Sam upset, he will quit his job, and a Welsh town will go up in flames.
3. If he hits his brother the emu at the zoo will know about it.
4. The Wellington City Council has cameras in our house and if he doesn't eat his food/pick up his toys they will recall all diggers.
5. Elmo died.

Top five bribes I have used in order to get my toddler to eat dinner

1. I will give you $8,000 if you eat one chicken nugget.
2. I'll get pregnant and give you a sister if you eat just that bit there.
3. If you eat the rest of your dinner you can listen to the Topp Twins singing She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain for eternity.
4. You get to watch a Peppa Pig episode if you eat your bacon, or Peppa Pig will be on the plate. Your choice.
5. Your father will leave me for Elsa if you eat at least the cheese. Just the cheese.

Five things my son has asked a face painter to paint him as

1. Bunnings Warehouse
2. A belly button
3. A cloud
4. All five members of Hi-5
5. A leaf blower

Prayers I have said at 3am to get the baby to sleep

1. I promise I will never think impure thoughts while looking at pictures of beedfcakes/John Campbell/Mike McRoberts (what? You've thought about it) ever again.
2. I'm sorry if this is payback for the time I blasted Slayer every Sunday during the next door church's service but really, what were you thinking letting me live next door to a church at 19?
3. I will literally buy a tambourine right now if I'm talking to the God with the followers who all have tambourines.
4. I will set that Dorkins guy on fire if you want, actually I could just do that anyway.
5. I will devote my life to any God and... oh never mind, he's asleep now.

Four ways I drive my husband crazy

1. I don't watch TV shows and then the whole way through episodes I say "Who is that?" "Why is she doing that?" "Is that the bad guy?"
2. I always pretend I suddenly need to go to the toilet when he's home and the baby needs to be fed solids. Then I just sit in the bathroom and check Facebook.
3. I tell him the vacuum cleaner is broken all the time, it's never broken.
4. I pick the movie for us to watch but then I talk to people on Twitter on my phone the whole way through it and then ask if it was any good at the end.

Top five things to do when your child has a tantrum in the supermarket

1. Pretend they're someone else's kid
2. Openly cry and eat chocolate on the floor of the supermarket
3. Loudly say that kids these days are out of control and you blame the parents
4. Leave without your child
5. Join in

Top five future blog posts I could write to make this blog more "aspirational"

1. Post-partum maternity leggings ten different ways
2. Haven't brushed your hair in six months? The One Dread Style that is taking the Mum-World by storm!
3. #nofilter How you can make your selfies look a little less like you've given up all hope that you'll ever sleep again
4. 15 sex tips for mums who want their partners to violently die in a fire for not getting up to the baby when they said they would
5. You're hired! Oops, I mean your career has been irreparably damaged by having children. Congratulations.

Top five fantasies

1. Naked Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hanging out the washing while the children stay at Nanna's
2. Naked Idris Elba cooking me those chocolate mini cheesecake things (but with an apron on so he doesn't rub his bits against my stove) while the children stay at Nanna's
3. Clothed Tom Hardy manages to get The Ham to sleep without a swaddle. Then The Ham goes to stay at Nanna's.
4. Naked Charlie Hunnam cleans out and sorts under the stairs then comes back upstairs and wipes benches. Properly folds fitted sheet. Kids are at Nanna's.
5. Both kids stay at Nanna's and I sleep all night.

Top five best things about being a mum

1. That face they get when they wake up from a nap and see you there - like you're the best thing that's ever happened to them.
2. When they can't say words - like "a lala" for "another".
3. Hearing them say out of the blue that they love you.
4. Seeing the love they have for the people you love, and seeing how much the people you love, love them!
5. Watching them dance with their eyes closed, and when they catch you watching they just smile and say "come dancing!"

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