Emily Writes: My A to Z guide to sleep

How is it that they wake up so happy from having no sleep? Photo / Getty

Parenting blogger and tired mum Emily shares her thoughts on sleep, one letter at a time.

•A is for Anytime which is when I used to sleep

•B is for Bullsh*t which is what I think about the sleep advice I'm given to keep

•C is for Can you please stop giving me bullsh*t advice (I've heard everything, just stop, it's not nice)

•D is for Death. I Googled "Can you die from sleep deprivation" and I seriously can't believe I've done this twice

•E is for Energy. Hi, I have none!

•F is for F*ck this, I'm done

•E is for did I already do "E"?

•G is for God. Did you know I'm an atheist who basically prays to every God there is every night so I can get some God damn sleep.

•H is for He doesn't answer my prayers because I got literally four hours last night. Four hours. Broken. The baby was up for hours. Literally. Four hours in total.

•I is for I need to sleep or I'll go postal.

•J is for JUST go to sleep. You do not need another bloody feed I just fed you seriously are you trying to suck the life out of me?

•H is for How is it that they wake up so happy from having no sleep? I read a study once about someone who only needed two hours sleep - what if that's my kid? What if I never sleep more than two hours again OMG I can't handle that OK, I just can't *grabs paper bag and breathes into it*

•I is for wait, didn't I already do I?

•J is for oh we did J

•K is for Kip, another name for something I'm not getting

•L is for Love because clearly we only put up with this fresh hell for love

•M is for Mum. I'm the one who feeds you at night

•N is for Naps. That thing you resist with all of your might

•O is for Orgasm. I'm too tired, go away

•P is for Penis. I'm serious, that's what got me in this situation, okay?

•Q is for Quiet, something I just really, really need

•R is for Rest. That's what I want to be doing instead of giving you a feed

•S is for Sh*t the alphabet is long and I am really tired

•T is for Tired. Duh. Does it have to rhyme? Wired

•U is for U NEED TO GO TO SLEEP. I can't even spell because of you

•V is for Vampire. You stay up all night, it's true

•W is for Why are you still awake?

•X is for X ray (literally cannot think of another word that starts with X) You know why? Because I'm bloody tired.

•Y is for didn't we already do Y? Y U no sleep then?

•Z is for I literally had to recite the whole alphabet just then to remember what comes after Y. Amen.

Now we know our ABC... I just Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

- nzherald.co.nz

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