Entertainment picks: A test for the prudometer

Host Gretel Killeen tut-tuts at the Big Brother idiots as if she's disgusted. Yeah right.

TV

Lounging on the couch the other night, just after 10.30pm, I started feeling like a prude. Footballers' Wives, where a pug dog named Krishna sat on a baby who'd been smeared in fake tan, had just finished. But I wasn't feeling prudish about watching that quality British soap. It was Big Brother Uncut (TV2, 10.35 tonight) that filled me with a feeling I had never experienced before.

I am no prude, but this uncensored spin-off of Australian Big Brother leaves you a little sick. It's not the nudity - including lots of male and female full-frontal - that ups the prudometer. It's their inane banter about penis size, ejaculation, and toilet habits - I'll gladly spare you the specifics - that gets you a bit unsettled.

And then there are their antics, including everything from (really bad) pole dancing, to getting naked for the sake of it in the sauna, to Glenn blowing a condom up on his head (that's an old trick, mate).

Meanwhile, host Gretel Killeen sits there frowning and tut-tutting at the idiots as if she's disgusted. Yeah right.

Admittedly the show is edited to make them look like caged idiots, but, well, they are. In saying all this, it is great entertainment in terms of having to see it to believe it. And, if nothing else, it's a good way to test your prudometer.

Also this week is the final of Lost (TV2, Wednesday, 8.30pm). Finally, they might get off that bloody island, or at least we'll find out its deep dark secret. The castaways who go on the raft are in for a shock and the ones remaining on the island run into "The Others".

Three new shows starting this week are Doctor Who (Prime, Thursday, 7.30pm), Britney and Kevin: Chaotic (TV2, Tuesday, 10.30pm) and Jamie's School Dinners (TV One, tonight, 8.30pm).

The latter two you can take or leave, but for old times sake check out the new series of the cult that is Doctor Who.

Movies

There's something for the grown-ups and the kids this week at the movies. And since it's school holidays next week the kids go first. Five Children and It, adapted from the best-selling children's book of the same name, is an action-adventure that blends magic, fun and crazy exploits and is sure to be fun for the whole family.

Pooh's Heffalump Movie sees the residents of the Hundred Acre Wood trying to catch the terrifying Heffalumps, who have come into the forest. But Roo, who's too young to help in the hunt, befriends a young Heffalump called Lumpy, who proves that Heffalumps aren't at all what people think. So sweet, and perhaps not just for the young ones.

Now for the grown-ups. If it's action and Jessica Alba you want then get along to The Fantastic Four. When four astronauts get contaminated while in space they just happen to become superheroes - Dr Reed Richard gets elastic limbs, Ben Grimm turns to rock, Johnny Storm becomes the Human Torch, and Sue Storm (Alba) becomes invisible. Super powers are all very well, but can they stop the evil Dr Doom?

Also starting on Thursday is the comedy The Longest Yard, starring everyone's favourite idiot, Adam Sandler, as former pro quarterback Paul Crewe, who is stuck doing time in prison with an ex-college coach. Together they form a team to take on the guards.

Music

The Rainbow Warrior Tribute Concert at the St James on Sunday marks the 20th anniversary of the bombing by French agents of the Greenpeace boat in Auckland Harbour. Australian group The John Butler Trio - featuring the guitar gymnastics of Mr Butler himself - headline the concert with Steriogram, the D4, Che Fu, Opshop, Rhombus and Don McGlashan.

It will be a great chance to catch Che, who will hopefully be doing some tunes from his album due out in August.

The other big gig this week is the return of Shihad on Thursday to the Powerstation - I hope they've given it a good sweep out - in Auckland, and then to Altitude in Hamilton on Friday. The tour is on the back of their latest album, Love Is the New Hate, and support comes from Aussie band Cog and locals Die! Die! Die!.

On Friday night at the Kings Arms the Bleeders will put a bit of venom in your drink, and then on Saturday night, putting a bit more twinkle in your step, is Brit drum'n'bass menace Klute (aka Tom Withers) at Fu Bar.

Social circuit

Friday night is the opening of the Auckland International Film Festival, and if you have tickets, then dress smart, you hear. Drinks start at 6.15pm in the Wintergarden at the Civic Theatre and the opening night movie, Hidden, a thriller about a TV chat show host who starts getting strange packages in the post, starts at 7pm. Don't be late - for the drinks that is.

Sport

The Tour de France - or simply le tour, as the crazy, baguette-eating and wine-drinking locals lined along the cycle route know it - started yesterday and runs for 21 more days.

I recommend that only hardcore fans get up and watch it live on Sky Sport from 12.40am (nearly every night). For a quick fix, Sky screens a half-hour highlights package (also nearly every night) at 6.30pm.

Six-time winner Lance Armstrong, the most successful tour rider ever, is going for yet another victory. Armstrong may have ditched his wife for singer Sheryl Crow, and he's not the most humble chap, but hell, he survived cancer and if he does win the famous race once more then he can do whatever he likes.

By the way, the final test between the All Blacks and the Lions is on Saturday. Phew.