Narcissists strive to be dominant, here are the signs to look out for. Photo / 123rf
Is it a disorder or just plain selfishness? From walking ahead of others to shouting in a group, here are the symptoms to watch out for ...
In our world of self-fixated social media, and the endorsement that “being incredible” is a golden portal to success, it’s no wonder
According to data, one in 20 people in Britain are thought to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and because our awareness of this condition is becoming more attuned through therapy and the general conversation, it does feel like every other person is getting slapped with the label.
But how can we decipher that fine line between extreme selfishness and actual narcissism? Here are certain peculiar traits to look out for …
It’s hard to give narcissists good PR because, typically, they are entitled, self-obsessed, demeaning, imposing, unremorseful, lacking in empathy and even aggressive. They strive to be dominant; the person walking ahead with their back to the group, expecting everyone else to follow without hesitation.
Yet underneath this grandiose behaviour, there is often a person struggling with insecurity or low self-esteem. Clinical psychiatrist Tharaka Gunarathne (aka Dr T) explains: “Past experience, often adversity, can contribute to them being this way. Perhaps they grew up as a ‘worshipped’ child and were constantly told they were amazing and pushed into an unrealistic life of indulgence and power. Or they have an anxious temperament and were born into a place of adversity, neglect, abuse or bereavement, resulting in emotional needs that can only be met if they can prove their worth by existing in greatness. The common factor is they were not loved in a consistent way as a child for just being themselves.”
And, just to add. If you are reading this, and wondering if you are a narcissist, the answer is likely to be no! Narcissists don’t question themselves, so simply by enquiring, you have enough self-awareness, concern and humility to exempt you.
This happens because life is all about them. A narcissist’s overwhelming need for admiration and recognition precedes their ability to work collectively and interact within a group. Regardless of the fact it’s your wedding day or a special birthday gathering, they brag loudly about their own remarkable nuptials or fall into bully mode because they are not the focus of attention.
A narcissist’s deep sense of shame and failure means they don’t believe anyone truly cares about them, so they mask their insecurity by becoming critical, controlling, superior and boastful. LJ Jones, a BACP (British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy)-registered counsellor, remarks that most narcissists will be nothing less than charming when they first arrive at a social occasion. “They want desperately to be the life and soul of the party,” she says, “they seek praise and devotion, but it can come at the cost of others. As soon as they feel threatened, they can ruthlessly take others down.”
Healthy relationships with narcissists are hard. They tend to be stuck in their behaviour patterns and because of their lack of self-awareness, they are blind to the part they play in relational dynamics. Even so, micro-changes can happen, especially when others make a conscious effort to manage the situation.
In her book, Disarming The Narcissist, Wendy Behary talks about how to handle the “show-off” who has little interest in you apart from the praise and admiration you offer. Behary writes about how to deal with this typically arrogant behaviour: “A friend has been asked to chair the hospital’s annual fund-raising extravaganza. Following her blow-by-blow account of how they invited her based on her reputation, poise and exemplary public relations skills, you could respond with, ‘How nice for you, Vanessa, to be part of raising money for a good cause. Good luck with it’. You completely steered clear of the narcissist’s traps and didn’t allow yourself to be blinded by her 24-carat ego. And your frank responses might even touch on Vanessa’s longing to be accepted without having to prove herself.”
The complexities of good parenting rely on many factors but benevolence, empathy, humility and support feature high in the criteria. These are qualities lacking in the narcissistic parent. “Because the narcissistic ego needs to be fed to keep their internal distress at bay, vulnerable narcissists can get aggravated by others doing better than them, even their own children,” Gunarathne says.
“They can’t bear attention and praise being bestowed on anyone but them. There can also be another difficult scenario when the narcissist’s child is held up as a trophy – ‘my kid is doing great but that’s only because I’m such an amazing role model!’ Unfortunately, the complexities deepen if that golden child ever lets the parent down; the narcissist struggles to handle the disappointment and offloads their resentment and shame on to their kid. This toxic pigeon-holing of being ‘extra special’ or ‘not good enough’ can pass on the same narcissistic tendencies to the next generation.”
LJ Jones adds: “As a counsellor, I work with daughters of narcissistic mothers. When the daughter reaches a certain age and starts moving towards her own achievements, the mother can purposely withhold love. She uses verbal put-downs and scapegoats her children, prioritising her own happiness. Some of my clients have spent their entire life believing they are unlovable.”
Amanda Macdonald, a BACP-registered therapist, reveals: “A narcissist wants to draw people in and impress them. So when they first meet someone, they will be their funniest, cleverest, most alluring self. That’s why they often present their inflated personality to a stranger more readily than members of their own family who may see through the veneer and question what’s really going on. A stranger is a clean slate, they provide the perfect opportunity of a listening ear for the narcissist’s verbose campaign of endorsement.” Macdonald also says she sees few narcissists in her therapy practice. “This is because therapy is based on an understanding of self, and it’s almost impossible for the narcissist to take ownership of their feelings or the role they play.” Increasingly, though, therapists are noticing more partners, friends, children and colleagues of narcissists seeking help to separate from these destructive relationships.
A narcissist sidesteps a simple question because they are not able to see another’s point of view. They want to dictate the focus of the conversation, and if a question gets in their way, or exposes a touchy topic, they will use their manipulative manner to shut it down. For example, you might say, “Why don’t you ever ring your brother? He misses you.” The narcissist replies, “My brother has a new job, he spends most of his time at the office. You’re always hassling me to do things.” Get the picture? They have snubbed the question, and somehow you’ve ended up being shamed.
Psychologist Ramani Suryakantham Durvasula (aka Dr Ramani) says, “It’s a form of gaslighting. The way the narcissistic person operates is not only to distract and deflect but also to sometimes shift blame and paint you as being overly sensitive or dramatic. It can make you feel you are being unreasonable and antagonistic by just asking a simple question.”
Studies show that the use of statements such as “I am an important person” increased from 12% in 1963 to 77-80% in 1992 in adolescents. That sense of value can be positive, and there is something called “healthy narcissism” where a person has enough self-worth that is essential for good mental health. Like most conditions, narcissism sits on a spectrum: mild, moderate and severe. It’s when the balance tips into the extreme that life can get challenging for those caught in the narcissist’s world.
Being centre stage with a keen audience is a narcissist’s dream. Because they are deeply bothered about how they are perceived by others, holding the verbal reins means they can control the situation to their advantage. Dare to question any of the details or appear bored by their stories and you are at risk of being whipped by their wrath.
At the beginning of a relationship, especially romantic, the narcissist will douse you in charm, gifts and attention. Their innate need to bolster their crippling insecurity means they lovebomb you into believing they are the most devoted, compelling partner that ever breathed. It can be suffocating and obsessive, and often quickly moves into spiteful toying with your affections as the desire to remain on their egocentric throne is never sated.
Narcissists are masters at gaslighting too; making you think you’re the aggressor, the one who rocks the boat, the partner who concocts scenarios to get what they want. This means the other person can end up losing their sense of reality or believing they are the problem. Gunarathne offers advice for this complex minefield. “It’s important to educate yourself about their specific traits so you know what you’re dealing with,” he recommends. “Accept that a narcissist is unlikely to drastically change, so you need to have strong boundaries for yourself to maintain control over the situation. For example, you may be divorced but if you have a child together you may not be able to avoid crossing paths. It’s crucial you keep reminding yourself what is safe and positive for your needs, so you don’t get pulled back into their toxic seduction.”
Narcissists are typically hypersensitive so if something rattles them, they find it hard to keep their anger under wraps. At the extreme end of the spectrum, narcissists can be physically and mentally abusive. Gunarathne recommends you “Hold on to your Nuts” (Non-Negotiable Unalterable Terms) as a way of helping anyone recovering from being in this damaging dynamic.
He says: “It’s vital that this person who has suffered the manipulation of the narcissist now thinks about their own core values, what they really want and who they really are. This can take time so be patient with yourself. Often a person’s sense of self has been sucked out of them by the narcissist, causing them to lose their confidence. But I always endorse trying to find a healthy way to turn pain into purpose – decide how you want your future to look, then re-envision your goals and stick to them. With time, commitment and the support of good people, you can separate yourself from the impact of this person whose world begins and ends with them.”
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