Eight modern rules for being a better house guest

To be a good house guest, there are some widely accepted norms you'd be wise to follow. Photo / Getty Images

Yes, you still need to bring a host gift. But how do you handle working remotely from their home?

There’s nothing like rolling into your kitchen first thing in the morning to find your houseguest making coffee – in their underwear. That’s what happened to Tori Lee, a 46-year-old small business owner in the Houston area, when hosting some friends for a weekend. Lee was decidedly nonplussed by the situation.

“I don’t want to see your boxers or lingerie,” says Lee. “PJs are fine, but jeez, even Victoria knows it’s supposed to be a secret.” Her plea to houseguests everywhere: Wear a robe, for Pete’s sake. She even takes the extra step of providing one for overnight guests.

While hosting can be a wonderful opportunity to bond with friends or relatives, it’s also rife with opportunities for both parties to step on one another’s toes. (sometimes literally). When Myka Meier, an etiquette expert based in New York City, asked her Instagram followers to weigh in on guests’ faux pas, people jumped at the chance to express their grievances. A common theme: A perceived sense of entitlement, in the form of guests who use a blender at the crack of dawn, or a friend sending her host a list of groceries to buy her.

In fairness, it isn’t always easy for people to meld into one another’s routines. And in some cases, there are cultural differences to consider, says Sara Jane Ho, an international etiquette expert and the host of Mind Your Manners on Netflix. For instance, many Asian cultures are “high-context”, meaning people rely on a lot of unspoken communication such as body language, says Ho. Still, etiquette experts agree that there are some widely accepted norms you’d be wise to follow. Below are some modern etiquette rules for houseguests.

1. Don’t show up empty-handed

Always bring a hostess gift. It doesn’t have to be elaborate; this is a situation where it’s definitely the thought that counts. You might calibrate the gift based on the length of your stay. For a short visit, try a nice candle or an item that’s unique to your hometown. For a longer stay, consider some gourmet snacks or a bottle of wine or spirits. You might even run some ideas by the hosts in advance to figure out what they’d appreciate most. It’s also nice to treat your hosts during your stay. That could mean, for instance, picking up the bill at a restaurant, buying some groceries, or cooking a meal, or even getting a gift while there. And no matter what the host says, don’t skip the gift. “In Asian countries, there’s this whole dance about, ‘Don’t get me anything’.” Ho says. “A lot of Western guests will be like, ‘Okay, I don’t need to’, but you do still need to.”

Plan to bring something which your host will appreciate. Photo / 123RF

2. Ask the host their preferences

Some norms aren’t universal but are common enough to warrant considering any time you stay with someone. For example, in many cultures it is taken for granted that guests will remove shoes when they come inside. If you’re not sure, follow the host’s lead by observing what they do, or ask them directly what they prefer. You might even pack a pair of slippers. Also ask your host how they want you to handle your towels and bed linens when you leave. They might be grateful if you strip the linens and drop them in a hamper or the laundry room, or they may be fine with you simply making the bed so they can get to the laundry at a later time. Offer both options.

3. Help tidy up

“If you’ve ever hosted, especially for a weekend, it’s so much work,” says Meier. “So make it easier on that person.” At minimum, try to keep your belongings contained to your room, and clean up your dishes. As with gifting, even if a host says not to worry about cleaning, that doesn’t give you licence to do nothing (after all, they may just be saying that to be polite). And if your hosts are the type who really do prefer to do their own dishes, at least bring them to the sink. Meier also advises making your bed every day, even if you keep the door to your room closed. Before leaving, ask where the cleaning supplies are stored so you can give the bathroom a quick wipe-down. And if you use makeup, make sure it doesn’t stain their nice white towels. Consider traveling with your own face wipes or washcloth, or ask the host if they have towels they don’t mind you using for lipstick.

Make sure to pitch in with extra help and clean up after yourself during your stay. Photo / 123RF

4. Tune in to the host’s energy and routine

A friend once confided to Ho that she was so exhausted by an incessantly chatty guest, she feigned working late so she wouldn’t feel obligated to socialise all evening long.

Don’t put your host in that position. Socialising and making conversation with guests around the clock can be draining for people who are more reserved by nature, or anyone trying to juggle a hectic daily routine (see: any parent who’s struggling to maintain small talk while forcing shoes on a crying toddler). That’s true even when you really like the people you’re hosting. Be sure to respect your host’s privacy and energy level, Ho says, and give them some time to themselves, especially in mornings and evenings.

Also be prepared to entertain yourself during your stay. Keep in mind that your host may not want to play tour guide and trek around to top local attractions they’ve seen 10 times before. If possible, plan a few activities for yourself. “Make sure you’re independent and that you don’t ask people to buy tickets for you and things like that,” Meier says.

5. Mind shared spaces

If you plan to work from your host’s home, let them know in advance, and keep in mind that posting up at their kitchen table to take Zoom meetings all day might be quite obnoxious – especially if they, too, work from home. “If you have work calls, do it in the privacy of your bedroom,” Ho says. “Don’t take over the public space.” Try to keep quiet and generally “make yourself scarce”. In a similar vein, be mindful of how you used shared bathrooms. For example, consider shortening a long morning routine so you’re not monopolising the space when your host might need to use it.

Be considerate of your host's space if you plan to work from home. Photo / 123RF

6. Communication is key

Communicate in advance about everything: arrival time, dietary restrictions, how you expect to spend your time while there and anything else your host might need to know. Then while you’re there, before you go to bed each night, Meier suggests asking things like, “What time do we have any plans tomorrow? Is there anything I should be ready for?” Let your host know if you plan to spend the day or night engaged elsewhere, or if you won’t be joining them for dinner. And it might seem like a no-brainer, but if you come down with an illness – even a mild one – let your host know before you visit. They may prefer you stay elsewhere, reschedule, or take some precautions, such as taking a coronavirus test or masking up.

7. Don’t overstay your welcome

Everyone can agree that guests shouldn’t overstay, but how long is too long? Only your host can say. Meier suggests clarifying the length of your stay ahead of time and giving them a window to allow them to suggest you leave earlier. For instance, you could say, “Should we plan to stay until Sunday afternoon? Or would it be better for you if we left after breakfast?” You could also ask how long you should stay in an open-ended way, to give them an opportunity to choose the length of the visit.

Keep an open dialogue with your host over however long you're planning to stay. Photo / Getty Images

8. Shower your host with gratitude

You can’t go overboard when it comes to thanking people. It may not seem like a lot, but opening your private space to someone else can be stressful, and it’s nice to feel appreciated for the effort. Joanna Faith Williams, a 28-year-old resident of New York City, likes to leave a thank-you note for the host on her (made) bed before leaving. “I love the idea of friends and family who host me finding a note just for them when they’re checking on the room after I’ve left,” Williams says. “I keep thank-you notes and envelopes in my suitcase for this purpose everywhere I go.”