Drugs, therapy and tiaras at dog fight

By MICHELE HEWITSON

The tiaras, the fur, the fug of hairspray. It wouldn't be a beauty pageant without the odd tantrum.

Except that tonight's Inside New Zealand: Prize Bitch is not a glimpse behind the scenes at Miss World. It's a glimpse behind the scenes in the lead-up to The Nationals: the prestige show of the New Zealand Kennel Club.

And let's get one thing clear: this is a competition for the most anatomically correct dog rather than a beauty contest.

You certainly wouldn't hear praise like "he [the judge] said she's the most exciting bitch he's ever seen," lobbied about during the swimsuit section of a beauty pageant. At least you'd very much hope not.

To the ears of those who inhabit the strange world of Dogdom, such praise is sweeter than a chocolate-coated dog treat.

Prize Bitch follows three poodle owners through the trials and triumphs of the lead-up to the Nationals. There is Susannah, whose standard poodle, Fonteyn, sports a continental cut with hip rosettes. Fonteyn's nerves in the show ring are bad enough to warrant desensitisation therapy at the hands of an animal psychologist - and homoeopathic opium tablets. They obviously don't dope test at dog shows.

The pills do the trick. "She's a lot happier so relaxed, so content really," says Susannah. Cut to Fonteyn looking like a depressed clown.

Fonteyn is the dog the judge got very excited about. Such praise is the pinnacle of Dogdom. Cut to a shot of the dog yawning.

There is, we are told (not shown), "skulduggery down with some of the judges" in Dogdom. There was also the infamous case of the cut-off top-knot. Although, "I've never actually heard of anybody killing a dog, or doing a dog grievous bodily harm," says one competitor. Nobody tell Tonya Harding that there's an opening.

How vicious does it get out there? Pat, the tricky poodle owner who likes to pop up at shows without giving her rivals fair warning, fair shrieked at a woman who patted her pooch after she'd spent hours grooming him. "Oh, please don't. I'll cut your fingers off," she cried, brandishing an instrument.

And, without giving away the winner, it did get a bit bitchy (although hardly bitchy enough to warrant such a teaser of a title) when the best dog was awarded a most unattractive sort of carrybag. "Fancy an ugly thing like that [winning]," sniffed the loser.

Fancy thinking, you can't help but think, that an over-primped poodle is beautiful to behold.

These are dogs which, as it is pointed out, were originally bred to bring down bears in Russia. "I hate it that people think of them as fluffy stupid dogs that middle-aged women stick under their armpits" says the down-to-earth Karen Graham. "It's sad [it's] made such a thing about them being such a pansy-type dog."

Perhaps there'll be a sequel: When Good Poodles Bite Back. That'd be one worth watching.

* Inside NZ: Prize Bitch, TV3, 8.30 pm