KEY POINTS:
How guilty are you of suffering for the sake of fashion? Take the quiz to find out
Some people are so fashionable it hurts - and some of those people are really hurting, too. Their shoes are so odd they can hardly walk, their dress so tight they can't sit down, eat or sigh too deeply, and their bag is so fashionably large that they can't even carry it for sustained periods.
A wit working at the Times has come up with a rather fabulous name for this phenomenon: Debilitating Fashion Syndrome, or DFS. In other words, you're wearing clothes that mean you are unable to function in the real world without some sort of help, or maybe some little wheels for that big bag.
Practically everyone is guilty of a little bit of DFS every now and then - at one time or another we've all worn a heel too high or a waistband too tight.
Research suggests that about 50 per cent of all women say they sometimes suffer for fashion's sake.
But how far is too far in the name of fashion? At what stage can it be said that you - yes, you - are afflicted by this dreadful syndrome? To find out if family members should immediately intervene and rid your wardrobe of its torturous garments, read on.
1. When you wear your highest heels, what usually happens?
a) You need to sit down a lot during the evening.
b) You ask a friend to walk alongside you and hold your arm, because you have trouble staying on your feet.
c) You can't drive in case your shoe gets jammed under the brake pedal.
d) You're in serious danger of breaking an ankle.
e) You're scared of dropping your keys because you won't be able to pick them up without overbalancing.
2. How often do you wear such shoes?
a) Every day.
b) When I'm going out to dinner and I know I'll be sitting down most of the time.
c) When I go out to a nightclub. It's amazing how a few martinis can make the pain go away.
d) Once or twice a year, to any balls, weddings, fashion events or other special occasions.
3. What's the worst injury that high heels have caused?
a) You heard about a woman who developed blisters.
b) You heard about a woman who tripped over and broke her ankle.
c) You heard that Naomi Campbell tripped and hurt her pride on an international runway.
d) You heard that a woman wearing platforms tripped and died.
4. What hurts most?
a) My high heels.
b) My jeans.
c) Waxing and plucking.
d) Having a rib surgically removed so you can fit into that size 8 dress.
e) Seeing ugly people in track-suit pants and gumboots walking down your street. What are they doing there anyway?
5. Which word fills in the gap? When you wear the tightest outfit you have it makes ... uncomfortable.
a) Bending.
b) Sitting.
c) Eating a large bowl of pasta.
d) Breathing deeply.
e) Running.
f) Putting on your shoes unaided.
6. White is trendy for summer, so you'll be wearing an all-white linen suit when ...
a) The designer's courier arrives at your mansion - he should be here any minute.
b) The kids grow up, hell freezes over, and you need a camouflage outfit while visiting the underworld.
c) You go to the black-and-white costume ball later in the year.
d) You go somewhere they keep ironing boards and stain remover in the restroom.
e) You go to a costume party dressed as a Great White Hunter.
7. Which are the highest?
a) The beautiful Christian Louboutin stilettos from last season.
b) Some of the first French high heels - the French apparently invented them - which forced wearers to carry a long cane so they could walk without toppling.
c) They're made in India, of all places.
d) The stiletto heel, as invented in the 50s for Christian Dior.
e) I don't know. But where can I get some?
8. So you finally get yourself one of those super-fashionable, oversized bags. Next?
a) You carry a lot more stuff around.
b) You hire an assistant to carry it so you can carry next season's much smaller must-have handbag.
c) You need a chiropractor because you find yourself leaning to one side, even when you're not carrying said bag.
d) You find it quite hard to carry because the buckles and horn embellishments are in the wrong place and they hurt your shoulders.
9. Global warming has taken hold and the winter is unseasonably warm. What will you do with your brand new, and very warm, designer winter coat?
a) Wear it - now you're trapped in air-conditioned rooms and cars.
b) Wear it - but get some Botox in your sweat glands first (it stops you from sweating).
c) Wear it - and plan a trip to the South Island to do so.
d) Don't wear it - stare at it regretfully, hang it at the back of the wardrobe and stick with a between-seasons cardigan for now.
e) Don't wear it - and decide to cut your carbon emissions immediately, in the hope you can wear it next winter.
10. Who said the following: "The pain passes, but the beauty remains?"
a) Diana, Princess of Wales.
b) Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice.
c) Architect Mies Van Der Rohe.
d) Mary-Kate Olsen.
e) Kate Moss.
f) French painter Pierre Auguste Renoir.
11. Can you recognise a case of DFS? If so, which celebrities do you suspect may be suffering?
a) Victoria Beckham.
b) Beckham's new best buddy, Katie Holmes.
c) Lindsay Lohan.
d) Dita Von Teese.
12. Secretly, what you think a case of DFS really means is that ...
a) I am utterly trendy.
b) I'm a fashion victim but don't care.
c) I'm so rich that I don't need to walk, bend over, or carry anything because I have people who do that for me.
d) Some people are deranged idiots.
e) Huh? I don't understand the question.
Answers
1. a) 2, b) 8, c) 6, d) 4, e) 8.
2. a) 8, b) 4, c) 6, d) 2.
3. a) 2, b) 4, c) 6, d) 8.
Apparently, several years ago a Japanese nursery teacher fell because of the platform soles she was wearing, hit her head and died from the injuries.
4. a) 2, b) 4, c) 6, d), 2, e) 8.
5. a) 5, b) 3, c) 2, d) 6, e) 2, f) 8.
6. a) 8, b) 2, c) 6, d) 4, e) 2.
7. a) 6, b) 2, c) 6, d) 4, e) 8.
Louboutin's are 13cm, the earliest French ones 33cm high, the Indian world record-holders have 50cm heels, the early Dior ones were anywhere from 5 to 18cm.
8. a) 2, b) 8, c) 6, d) 4.
9. a) 5, b) 8, c) 6, d) 2, e) 2.
10. a) 2, b) 6, c) 2, d) 2, e) 2, f) 8.
Renoir said it.
11. a) 8, b) 2, c) 4, d) 6.
Definitely Posh Spice.
12. a) 8, b) 6, c) 6, d) 2, e) 4.
All the things we consider symptoms of DFS - such as excessively high heels and restrictive clothing such as corsets - were, historically, signs that the wearer was wealthy, possibly noble and did not have to work for a living. The peasants, the ones wearing their sports shoes and track-pants, did all the work.
Your Score
75-95
Oh dear, oh dear. Don't you think you're taking this fashion thing a little too far? Is it all really worth it? If you're an heiress, a multimillionaire or someone with a lot of slaves, then you might just get away with this. Otherwise you're going to have to take off those tight, high-waisted jeans and high heels and bend down sometime, even if it's just to pick up your credit card.
55-75
If you're nearer 70 points than 50, you will have realised that it's hard to run for the bus wearing platform shoes. The important thing is that you've realised that and, hey, reality is the first step on the way to recovery.
35-55
Congratulations, you have a fairly balanced approach to fashion. You'll teeter around in little white linen dresses should the occasion call for it, but most of the time you prefer moving around freely and avoiding podiatric, chiropractic and financial problems.
Under 35
Don't worry, when the 3-year-old twins start school you'll be able to wear nice clothes without vomit stains and sticky handprints.
