Diana Wichtel: TV’s Couples Therapy unpicks dealing with uncertainty

Amanda Cox, therapist on Couples Therapy NZ. Photo / Supplied

Uncertainty. It’s a tough adversary. People better at dealing with it than I am say just put that thing that may or may not happen out of your mind. Yeah, nah. Apparently I would rather catastrophise myself into blind panic.

Courses on anxiety, meditation apps… You name it, I’ve tried it. In the end I think I’ve learned more about stepping into the unknown from that maligned genre, reality TV. Lately there have been a few heartwarming shows saluting the fact that sh-- happens and people carry on. I don’t mean Ted Lasso. Three’s Couples Therapy has proved, well, therapeutic. I’ve binged both the original American and the New Zealand versions, learning that, when it comes it comes to difficult relationships or life generally, too much certainty is nothing but a truckload of trouble.

Take Annie and Mau, a couple much discussed after American Couples Therapy screened. Mau claims to be a straightforward proposition. He just wants no responsibility and endless sex. “Like, zero work, zero thinking about it and it has to be both spectacular and enthusiastic and genuine,” he states, as wife and therapist look like they’re getting migraines. Annie’s plans for what sounded like a surprise birthday orgy were not to his liking – not spectacular enough? Mau took off to Italy by himself. Therapist Orna points out that Annie feels dismissed. “Everyone gets dismissed,” says Mau. “She should suck it up.” Is there such a thing as toxic certainty?

Our local Couples Therapy is very… local. “She’s really pissed off,” notes therapist Amanda, as she grapples with exasperated Emma and self-involved Parrish. “I don’t know where to begin,” says Parrish. “By cleaning up after yourself,” snarls Emma.

Both therapists spend a lot of time nudging their clients to be less certain about their own perspective. “Let me see if I can save you the time of arguing about facts,” Orna purrs, as a couple snipe about who did what when. Being right is overrated. As is sulking. “When you want to retreat, go to words,” says Orna. “No out. Stay in.” Be honest, despite the uncertainty of the response. Or, as Amanda puts it to one of the Kiwi husbands, “Frankly, that’s bullshit.” Most couples shift by the end. Their certainty dented, they are able to move closer.

“Bad things happen to people” says Orna, “and they suffer.” Sometimes even a therapist can’t fix it. TVNZ’s The Restaurant That Makes Mistakes shows that’s no excuse to do nothing. In this entirely captivating “experiment”, New Zealand chef Ben Bayly and his crew work with eight volunteers who have various types of dementia to run the sort of eatery where it’s fine to forget something, to get it wrong.

Bayly’s grandmother had dementia. He’s up for this challenge.

As are the volunteers. By the second episode Suz, a former personal assistant who had lost confidence, says, “I’m having a great time. I want to be a star.”

They’re all stars. Dawn and Graham are having problems with plating. “So you’re colour blind and you can’t count,” sums up executive chef Mike. “Let’s open a restaurant!” says Dawn. “What should we call it?” says Mike. “Bugger Knows,” says Dawn. Bugger knows. That may be my new mantra.

This is funny moving, important television. People so easily lost in our out-for-yourself society can be transformed, and transform others, in an atmosphere of purpose, support, camaraderie and laughs. In a revisited wellbeing assessment at the end of the show, the improvement in the volunteers’ scores is dramatic.

It’s about courage under fire. Former senior academic, Marilyn, said she was going to carry on cooking. “This has brought me back to myself.”

It’s the sort of show that changes a viewer. Bayly said it changed him. “It’s made me be more present in the moment. These guys have been our teachers.” What can you say but compliments to the kitchen and all who served in her, valiantly staring down the most uncertain of futures and carrying on.