Went to see my therapist. She said: You can have conflict without either person being made bad.
Made lasagne. Watched Homeland. Allison keeps her Manolos on, even in shootout.
Tuesday
Who am I kidding!
Book manuscript is crud. G fell off scooter. B called me "idiot doofnugget mum". Neither of them will eat proper food or ride bicycles. And I'm still bloody sad. Why? Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. BREATHE.
My pattern of seduction and abandonment is a way to experience feelings of power and control intended to help me overcome my sense of victimisation as a child. Nah, not helping.
Ate leftover lasagne. Watched The Affair. Mmmm: rich good-looking intellectuals stuffing up their lives.
Wednesday
Dreamt I was at a country club and making truffles out of poo for John Key.
G is struggling with finishing at primary school and saying goodbye to her friends. Trying to let her feel uncomfortable feelings without leaping in to fix it or telling her to stop being a drip. Don't want to invalidate her feelings. But how can I help when I'm worse than she is at dealing with change? Think I missed vital toddler stage to do with learning when to "hang on" and, particularly, when to "let go". No wonder I was painfully constipated as a kid.
Friday
All dysfunctional families are held together by a "groupthink" trance-like state of consciousness. Mantra: "work hard, don't feel".
Waking up from this kind of trance is painful.
Binge-watched Mr Robot. Is much easier to feel compassion for fictional characters who are nutters, than for self. Elliott, the hacker, joins anarchist group society. "We're finally awake. We're finally alive."
Sunday
Took kids to Prego for lunch in manner of jolly Italian family. The only thing they will eat is plain pizza bread. Without herbs.
90 per cent of everything is crap. Strangely, I find this uplifting. This is known as Sturgeon's Law. Who is Sturgeon? Must look up.
Monday
Theodore Sturgeon was a science fiction writer. He was trying to defend science fiction from criticism of being rubbish. By saying it was mostly rubbish.
90 per cent of everything is crap. Strangely, I find this uplifting. This is known as Sturgeon's Law.
Tuesday
Today told publisher no way I will meet deadline. I am trying to practise having "hard conversations". Did you know you can have conflict without anyone having to be made "bad"?
Friday
Am not checking emails as too scared to see response from publisher.
Dreamt I was at a theme park with Courtney Love and Ozzie Osbourne and was refusing to go on a ride. I woke up thinking "Is it possible to be a psychopath and still be boring?"
Saturday
Got up nerve to check emails. Wonderful publisher! Thank goodness for Chelsea Winter's bestselling cookbook and all those adult colouring books.
My friend came over. Took kids to Parnell Baths and had hot chips at the café. "You're wet! Haven't you seen the sign? You cannot come in here wet!" Hey lady, it's a pool. Came home and drank rose and got takeaway curry.
Sunday
Children need to see the mothering source as "both/and" and themselves as "both/and". Both comfortable and uncomfortable. Both good and bad. This is what is known as "object constancy". Watched The Affair. Must stop using rich people as jeer figures.
Consider using my judgments of others as opportunities to lovingly reclaim and embrace previously disowned parts of myself. (Maybe I have secret wish to be mean-jawed, boring psychopath? Or belong to a country club?) When we recognise our pain we develop compassion for our small and groping lives.
"Whatever is most personal is most general." Quote from Carl Rogers, founder of humanist psychology.
Monday
Today is the day I give up my long cherished fantasy that someday somebody will love me so fully I will have to follow suit and love myself. It doesn't work that way. It never does. And yet. It is only our love for another that can heal our broken lives. To be human is to be the focal point of ambiguity and paradox. Both/and. Both/and.
Watched 101 Dalmatians in bed with the kids, ate popcorn.
Tuesday
Must stop letting kids sleep in my bed. Popcorn crumbs are hard.
