Deborah Hill Cone: 20 things I've learnt this year

Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it. Photo / 123RF

It was a bit of a rubbish year in many ways wasn't it? But anyway, in midst of all the crud, here are a few fluorescent-lit, hand-wavy things that I learnt this year.

1. Yes, drama makes us temporarily more energised, but in a world of Real Housewives and fake news, I would like to be less "sensationsgeil", a German word, translated literally it means "horny for sensation". (Translated by Bridget van der Zijpp)

2. In the past 50 years real term incomes in countries like ours have increased dramatically but happiness has not kept pace. Although economists focus on the absolute size of salaries, sociologists have found that the effect of money on happiness results less from the things money can buy (the absolute income effect) than from comparing one's income to that of one's peers (relative income effect.) Keeping up with the Joneses?

3. Judging and demeaning others - downward social comparisons - can give you a self-esteem rush. People in positions of power may have an unconscious belief that it is both possible and okay to overwrite the realities of others; when you're accustomed to privilege, equality can feel like oppression.

4. If you haven't heard of the Jaggedness Principle yet, hopefully you will soon. It means opting not to use one-dimensional thinking to understand something that's complex. Instead if you look at the whole person - talent, character, intelligence- you'll recognise a more "jagged" profile that's unique to each individual. From The End of Average: How to succeed in a world that values sameness by Todd Rose. I wish the policymaking goons who came up with national testing would read this book.

5. Japan has magic art of tidying up, Denmark has cosy hygge, can New Zealand give the world a special new trendy word for the unique way we live? Choice, sweet, chur? Our life is as cool as anywhere else.

6. Next time you whisper-shout an "expert" opinion remember psychology papers replicate less than 40%, dietary advice has totally reversed after 30 years of fatphobia, macroeconomic analysis seems to be working about as well as astrology and pharmaceutical trials replicate at best only 1/3 of the time. (Admittedly, this may cancel out the studies in 2)

7. Regarding number six, Einstein: "Common sense is nothing more than a deposit of prejudices laid down in the mind prior to the age of 18."

8. We regard deviation from the "normal" pathway as an unmistakable signal something is wrong. But our biology does not compel us to follow a predetermined blueprint. I hope in years to come we will revise some of our normative thinking. (Karen Adolph, NYU)

9. You might have failed at something, forgotten an important task or been late, but accept once in a while even good people do something bad.

10. Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it. Treasures are always hidden in the sensations, feelings and thoughts we have habitually run from.

11. It is not helpful to run alongside a grown child on his or her hero's journey, panting, with a juice box, meditation tapes and some sunscreen. (Anne Lamott)

12. You don't have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Actually, that's not true. But not all the freaking time.

13. By actively seeking what they once passively endured, victims of trauma are searching for a sense of control. It helped me understand why others do what may seem to be irrational, douchey things and have some compassion for them. Er, including me.

14. You don't need to think that things would have turned out permanently perfect if you had just been more clever or tried a little harder. Nothing turns out permanently perfect because nothing is permanent. Yet, when things are pleasant, even sublime, remembering that impermanence doesn't diminish the experience, it enhances it.

15. The devil doesn't come in a red cape and pointy horns, he (or she) comes looking like everything you ever wanted.

16. Someone will always disapprove of you.

17. Here is a sentence I love: " You can't get it wrong." People who need to do everything well don't have permission to fail or try new things that require a learning curve so they stop themselves before they begin. (via Diana Hayman from Centre for Gifted Education)

18. We all have to deal with the Sisyphean dreck of daily life. Small chores can have outsized emotional rewards because they prove to ourselves that we are making meaningful choices. Never thought I'd say this: I enjoy folding hand towels.

19. Any repetitive task tends to occupy the left (logical) brain just enough for the right (creative) brain to flower. See 18. Or try dot-to-dot books.

20. So here is what I wish for you, my sweet readers. The joy of relief that arises when you're not trying to do anything, to make anything happen or to control your experience in any way. That is peace. Which, contrary to what I used to think in my "sensationsgeil" days, does not mean blah.