Debate: Is scrolling dating apps while committed considered cheating?

Is it cheating on your partner if you scroll through dating apps but don’t go on dates? Newstalk ZB host Matt Heath asked his listeners this question and got mixed responses. Photo / 123rf

• A Herald article told one woman’s story of discovering her husband was using dating apps. She thought it was cheating, he claimed it was harmless.
• Newstalk ZB hosts Matt Heath and Tyler Adams discussed the story on their Afternoons show, asking readers for their thoughts on the issue
• The consensus: if you’re worried your partner might find out, it’s likely wrong.

Is it cheating on your partner if you scroll through dating apps but don’t go on dates? I asked my Newstalk ZB listeners this question, and the phone lines and text machine blew up. Turns out it’s a contentious and complicated issue.

As you would expect, this kind of behaviour happens a lot. Most famously, British singer Lily Allen allegedly discovered her husband, actor David Harbour, running an active account on a dating app.

Newstalk ZB host Matt Heath debates whether using dating apps without meeting in person is considered cheating if you're in a committed relationship. Photo / Jason Oxenham

Recently a UK woman going by the name Kate from the Cotswolds told a similar story. She had been married to Tim for 18 years, and they had four children. One night, he fell asleep on the couch with his phone on, and she saw a woman on the screen but didn’t think much of it. She didn’t want to spy.

However, a while later, she received an anonymous message “Kate, check Tinder – your husband is on there and I think you should know”.

She did and found her husband’s profile. She confronted him and he admitted he’d used the app for an ego boost. He said he was down and wanted the attention. He claimed he wasn’t going to act on it. The matches he got just made him feel wanted. Things went downhill from there, and they split.

But is it really cheating to look at pictures of other women or men when you are in a relationship? Where is the line?

Married for nearly two decades, one woman’s life changed after spotting her husband’s profile on a dating app. Photo / 123RF

If you message a woman on a dating app too far? Probably. But what if you talk to someone on the street or at work that you find attractive but don’t and never intend to act on it? As the saying goes, “I gave my heart to this marriage, not my eyes”.

What about scrolling through Instagram looking at the beautiful people? What about blue content? What about walking down the street and thinking impure thoughts about other people? That’s involuntary.

The amygdala is a small almond-shaped ancient part of our brain that scientists believe motivates action. As British psychiatrist Dr Joseph Troncale writes, it’s in charge of “fight, flight, feeding, freezing up, and fornication”. You might see someone and feel attracted before you even think about it. That’s hardly your fault. As long as the reasoning parts of your brain choose not to act on your primitive attraction, you shouldn’t have to end a relationship.

What Tim was doing was dishonest not only to his wife but also to the woman he was matching with and leading on. But you can have some sympathy. Tim was sad, and he wanted attention. We have all felt that way at some point in our lives. Tim was a window shopper with no intention of buying.

As one texter said, “It’s fine to look at the menu as long as you don’t order”, or as another put it, “look at the menu but eat at home”. That was my gut feeling at the start of the conversation, but boy, did things heat up.

You would be surprised how many New Zealanders follow Matthew 5:28 (even if they don’t know they are): “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. The softer version of this view was put this way by a caller, “He was having an affair of the mind, and that’s still a type of affair”.

Another caller, Phil, explained, “It’s not technically cheating, but this guy Tim had started walking on the slippery slope”.

A number of people pointed out a better way to approach his want for attention. This guy Tim could have told her he was feeling down and needed something. She might have been able to give it to him.

A caller Josh said Tim should have tried sending the kind of “hot” messages you might send on an app to his partner, and he may have found what he needed at home.

Where do you draw the line around cheating in a committed relationship? Photo / 123rf

Another said, “I think the line has been crossed when you start LICKING the menu while looking into your wife’s eyes”. Responding to all these menu-related metaphors, a texter told me, “Describing women as food and men picking off the menu is gross and disgusting ... I wish u could live like a woman for a week and see what we have to put up with!!! Ew Matt you are yuk! Stop with the Menus stuff”. To which I responded, “Women have been known to order off the menu too”.

So, after an hour of furious discussion, was I any closer to answering the question, “Is it cheating if you scroll through dating apps but don’t go on dates?” Probably not, but everyone agreed it wasn’t a sign of a healthy relationship. As a caller said, “If you’re doing something you are scared your partner will find out about, it’s nearly always wrong”.

To get to the bottom of the question, on a more personal level, I asked my partner how she would feel if she found me on a dating app. She smiled and said why don’t you ask yourself how you would feel if you found me on a dating app. I said, “s*** ... good point ... you aren’t, are you?”, and suddenly I had my answer. Tim, you dirty bastard, get off the apps.

Matt Heath hosts afternoons on Newstalk ZB with Tyler Adams, and writes a weekly newsletter, A Life Less Punishing you can read for free at mattheath.substack.com