Dear Richard Madeley: ‘How do I address my wife’s significant weight gain?’

'I need to talk to her, but I don’t know where to start.' Photo / Getty Images

Dear Richard,

I have been struggling to broach a rather delicate subject: my wife’s weight. We’ve been married for 19 years and while she was never rake-thin, in the last four to five years she has become, well, pretty enormous.

This has taken some of the shine off my feelings for her, to be sure; but it’s her health I worry about. She now struggles to perform basic domestic tasks or get up the stairs. She mostly sleeps downstairs on the chair she spends most of her time slumped in, watching TV and knitting.

This year we can’t take a family holiday, and to be honest I feel relieved not to have to get my wife from A to B and back again. In fact, I’m writing this now as I realised I’d hated every moment of last year’s holiday.

I’ve tried some subtle portion control, but then she just snacks. I need to talk to her, but I don’t know where to start. Subtlety and tact aren’t my forte, sadly. To make matters worse, I’ve started to feel distinctly fatalistic about the whole thing, as if I don’t care that any physical relationship between us is a thing of the past now, or – worse – that she might not be around to see our children grow up. What should I do?

— Daniel, via email

Dear Daniel,

My sense is that you are trying to fight this battle on too many fronts. You say your wife’s health is your primary concern but then go on to talk about holidays, lost intimacy, your children… I think contemplating so many problems at once is preventing you from taking decisive action.

I feel strongly you should focus on this exclusively as a health issue. Get that right, and all the other related consequences of your wife’s serious weight gain should diminish, if not disappear altogether.

You say you lack tact and subtlety – well, your wife has been married to you for 19 years so presumably she’s learnt to make allowances for your blunt ways. Do your best to be kind and considerate, but speak with her you must. Tell her frankly you’ve become incredibly worried about her health and it’s giving you sleepless nights.

Emphasise that you’re not coming from a position of criticism, but of care. Insist as firmly as you can that she make an appointment with your GP. They can make a proper assessment of your wife’s condition and advise on a weight-loss programme to suit her. I think just seeing her doctor will focus your wife’s thinking about her weight.

Speak to her today. Don’t put off what I do realise will be a difficult conversation for a moment longer, Daniel. You owe it to her, yourself, and your children. Good luck.