Kate Middleton responds to questions about the early years of parenthood. Video / Kensingtonroyal
OPINION:
In a year when the word "unprecedented" was rolled out with nauseating ubiquity, life pre-Covid has taken on a particular nostalgic glow. For the Queen, a woman whose entire life had been governed by glorious repetition, this year and all of its new demands must have been especially challenging.
Even more so, perhaps, at Christmas.
The Windsors, like billions of families around the world, will be marking the holidays this year in a totally novel way, with their usual holiday blueprint having gone out the window.
And my, what glorious - and gloriously bonkers - traditions Her Majesty and her troop of titled offspring (and their offspring) usually enjoy at this time of year.
While the Cambridges might not be beetling their way towards Sandringham right now, the family Audi stuffed with novelty plastic animals and a minimum of 25 black tie outfits, we can still enjoy the madness and pomp of the royal family's usual Christmas festivities from afar and hope that this time next year they'll be back to their old traditions.
THE PRE-LUNCH
Just because your surname is Windsor, you don't get a coveted invitation to spend December 25 with Her Majesty at her Norfolk home, Sandringham. Such is the size of the 94-year-old's extended clan, she usually hosts a lunch in the week or two before the big day to celebrate with these B-list, so to speak, members of her extended family.
What is otherwise a fairly pedestrian event hit the headlines in 2017 when Princess Michael of Kent saw fit to wear a Blackamoor brooch, which has racist connotations, to what was Meghan Markle's first big Windsor family gathering.
Queen Elizabeth II during her annual Christmas broadcast in Windsor Castle, Berkshire, England. Photo / Getty Images
A palace spokesperson addressed the controversy, saying "Princess Michael is very sorry and distressed that it has caused offence."
Given that the Queen has not been back to Buckingham Palace since March, it is obviously inconceivable that she would host any such get together this year.
Here's hoping in 2021, the world is back spinning on its regular axis and the world will once again be treated to the annual sight of a bevy of Windsors, Ogilvys, Kents, Cambridges, Yorks and Gloucesters speeding out of the palace stuffed full of turkey, claret and battling indigestion.
THE TIMED ARRIVALS
In a normal year, the guest list for Sandringham usually includes Prince Charles, Camilla Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne, Prince Edward and Sophie Countess of Wessex, and all their various children and grandchildren.
However, there is no rolling up whenever one likes at Sandringham! Instead, according to royal biographer Brian Hoey, the week before the shindig, the Crown Equerry informs the guests of the order in which they are to arrive and at what time. Sounds wonderfully relaxed!
SHOWER CAPS AND SINGING FISH
Like pretty much anything even tangentially connected to royal life, gift giving when one is part of the Queen's clan is far from simple.
Royal Collection Trust members of staff put the finishing touches to a 4.5m Christmas tree in the Crimson Drawing Room at Windsor Castle last year. Photo / Getty Images
Rather than splurging on lavish pressies, the adult members of the royal family instead exchange gag gifts that in recent years has led Harry to give his grandmother both an "Ain't life a b*tch shower cap" and a singing plastic fish.
Princess Anne gave Prince Charles a novelty toilet seat seemingly in a cheeky reference to reports he travels with his own when he goes overseas; and Kate Duchess of Cambridge once, somewhat savagely pre-Meghan, gave Prince Harry a "Grow your own girlfriend" kit.
Overseeing all of this madness is Prince Philip. When guests arrive, they deposit each person's gift on a particular table and he is in charge of giving out all the wacky and useless tchotchkes. The order of precedence is reportedly followed - of course.
Now all of this is done pre-Christmas Day. That's because they are really of German descent (the family's surname should be Saxe-Coburg and Gotha) they follow the Teutonic practice of exchanging presents on December 24.
Sadly, we have no details on whether this custom will be taking place remotely this year but I'd like to think that a delivery of inane and cheeky novelties are in the post right now, winging their way to Her Majesty and Philip from the family.
TIME TO GET TO WORK
There is no rest for the HRHs! Even on Chrissy.
One of the big events on the annual, set-in-stone royal family calendar is the walk from Sandringham to the St Mary Magdalene Church on the estate for the 11am Christmas service.
Prince William, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex and Prince Harry arrive to attend Christmas Day Church service at Church of St Mary Magdalene in 2018. Photo / Getty Images
Thousands of people line the route hoping to get a peek at the extended royal family, including the Windsor kidlets. After the service, the family fans out and accepts cards and gifts from the crowd.
Make no mistake - this is a work event and is generally a guaranteed PR boon for the royal family, guaranteeing plenty of glowing, feel good coverage in the UK - and global - press. Even the tiniest HRHs take part, with Prince George and Princess Charlotte making their debut last year.
It seems unlikely that we will be seeing much of the family this year, though there is a chance we might see the various royal houses release a staged image or two on Christmas Day.
Even if the pandemic had never happened, this is one annual activity that would most likely have been off this year. For years, Princes William and Harry reportedly enjoyed their own festive ritual in the form of royals-versus-staff football match.
Royal commentator Richard Kay has previously revealed that "Harry and William, when they were teenagers were enormously competitive, you know they didn't hold back.
"They would chop each other down if they were going for the ball together."
OUTFIT CHANGES
While the rest of the world has to decide between lolling about in their PJs or changing into one's novelty Santa look of choice for Christmas Day, a Windsor celebration requires multiple outfit changes. Seven in fact.
Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York revealed in one of her biographies that different get-ups are required for the Christmas Eve afternoon tea, Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas Day breakfast, the walk to church slash lunch, afternoon tea, something to go for a bracing walk in and then dinner (which is black tie).
A SPOT OF TELE
Britons the nation-over gather in front of the small screen to watch the Queen's annual speech and the Windsors are no exception. In the afternoon, they gather around the Sandringham box to watch Gan-Gan's tele address. No word on whether Her Majesty ever asked Meghan, a professional actress, for some pointers in front of the camera.
There is one thing that definitely does not happen during the royal family's holiday and that is anyone losing a gram of weight. Instead, they enjoy meal after sumptuous meal with everything from a good British fry-up to lobsters, foie gras, turkey, iced cakes, and Christmas pudding on the menu.
Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry during "The Patron's Lunch" celebrations for The Queen's 90th birthday in 2016. Photo / Getty Images
WHO'S FOR A DRINK?
While the Queen has an enormous cellar stocked with some of the best plonk in the world, before dinner Her Majesty reportedly serves guests a much stronger tipple.
According to royal biographer Ingrid Seward, Her Majesty likes to serve her guests "lethal martinis" before dinner, proving that the 94-year-old monarch knows a thing or two about getting the party started.
THE WEIGH-IN
This is a truly bizarre one. Supposedly, King Edward VII wanted to ensure his guests were truly tucking in during all these meals so started the tradition of his invitees being weighed at the start and end of their visit to double check no one had been holding back. (Heaven forbid the guest who ever politely inquired about the possibility of a salad.)
According to biographer Seward, who has impeccable sources, the "fun" weigh-in is one custom that the Queen has continued, even using a pair of antique scales.
GET YOUR GUN!
What better way to recover from all that food and booze than a day in the frosty woods killing small birds? The Windsors indulge in one of their great loves - hunting - on Boxing Day with an annual pheasant shoot.
This particular event hit the headlines in 2018 when it was erroneously claimed that Harry had skipped this annual outing because his wife Meghan Duchess of Sussex had put pressure on him not to take part. (In truth, the man had to get back to London for work commitments.)
Given the family is spread out across various stately homes and palaces this year, in 2020 at least, the pheasants of Sandringham can rest easy.
• Daniela Elser is a royal expert and writer with more than 15 years experience working with a number of Australia's leading media titles.
