Kirrily with her twin girls Aleeia and Myah who were born in 2015. Photo / Supplied
Kirrily with her twin girls Aleeia and Myah who were born in 2015. Photo / Supplied
Nothing was going to stand between Victorian woman Kirilly and her lifelong goal of having children — with or without a partner, she was determined to make it happen.
She first took the leap in 2012 and began fertility treatment with a donor, but over the course of the subsequent two years, endured seven unsuccessful attempts to fall pregnant.
Despite each devastating loss, Kirilly's sheer determination to conceive never wavered, a triumph she largely attributes to a handful of close friends and her mum.
"It was a very stressful time at some points, but I didn't ever say 'I'm not doing it anymore', because nobody was saying to me 'you can't'," she told news.com.au.
"I was really lucky I had people that were supportive and very understanding," she said, adding how her only expectation from the people close to her was a "shoulder to cry on" when she needed it.
"They understood why I was doing it and didn't judge me for it."
Not everyone was so supportive however, with some passing judgment on Kirilly's decision to pursue a family without a partner.
"There's still a stereotype where you get married, have kids and the house with the white picket fence, and we're brought up as children to believe that's normal and that's how it should be done," she said.
"I did have a friend who I needed to step away from for a while … She had all of this, and although she was very caring, her opinion was very strong.
"It was too much for me at the time. I was very emotional in a lot of other ways – also because of the drugs I had to take – and I just had to walk away for a bit."
Reflecting on that time, she said she wished those kinds of opinions had not been shared with her.
"People need to be accepting of what you want, regardless of what it is. They shouldn't put you in the same category as what they're living … Everybody copes with things differently."
Kirrily with Aleeia and Myah, who are now six. Photo / Supplied
What you should never say
Many people opted to share their opinion of Kirrily's goal to conceive as a solo parent, but there was one comment in particular that really got under her skin.
"One of the most common things people who didn't know my situation would say was, 'oh, well why couldn't you meet someone?'," she recalled.
She said the people who made such comments had a one-track idea of a family structure, which she argued was "actually not normal for a lot of people".
"People need to stop judging other people's circumstances because it's not always the same," she said.
After seven unsuccessful attempts to conceive, Kirrily sought help from a different clinic where for the first time, she was told that her upcoming treatment would need to be her last.
Incredibly, her eighth try was successful and in 2014 aged 42 at the time, Kirrily conceived twin girls, Aleeia and Myah, who were born the following year.
Now 6, the twins are best friends with their mum and their grandma, who they share a home with.
"I've got such a happy little family … the girls are so happy about little things," she said.
The lengthy process was worth every cent of the $60,000 Kirilly spent throughout it, with the mum now encouraging others to be supportive of people who want to take a similar route.
"This journey has taught me how strong I really am, and how I can actually be OK with myself, which was probably something I didn't know when I was younger."
What do I say to someone having fertility struggles?
Gestalt therapist and counsellor Lesley McPherson placed a large importance on providing overt support to women as they pursued pregnancy through IVF.
Don't ask, just do
McPherson encouraged the delivery of cooked meals to the home of loved ones experiencing a tough spot in their pregnancy journey.
"Drop over with healthy, yummy meals. They are not going to feel like cooking for a while so to be able to pull something out from the freezer will be a Godsend," she said.
"They are probably not going to want to eat either, but it's important they try as physical strength is as important as mental resilience during this time."
IVF is now used widely. Photo / 123RF
Get them out of the house
Anything to help free their mind of the stressors surrounding their pregnancy trouble can make a huge difference, McPherson said.
"If you can, try to coax them out of the house. Take them to a child-free zone where they can forget their troubles for a while. It may be a picnic in the park, a rom com movie, or if covid allows, a popular play or an elegant night out to dinner. Something you know they love, which will help uplift their spirits."
Indulge in silence
She added that sometimes all someone might need is to indulge in a silly movie and enjoy a dessert with a close friend in silence.
"Head over with a tub of their favourite ice cream and watch a classic movie like The First Wives Club. Or simply sit in silence again, holding your friend or partner's hand and letting them know you are their safety net at times like this."
If a loved one has recently suffered a pregnancy loss, it was crucial to reassure them it was not their fault, McPherson said.
"Miscarriage is sadly part of life and as previously mentioned, up to one in five pregnancies in Australia result in miscarriage.
"Avoid making statements 'at least you can try again'. If they have already named their baby and are using their child's name, follow their lead."
She added that it was vital for loved ones to acknowledge the grieving parents' loss and "let them know they are entitled to feel this way without a time frame."
While science has proven invaluable when it came to individuals or couples wanting to start a family, the IVF journey was not always a smooth process, fertility specialist Dr Raewyn Teirney said.
"There will be some couples for whom IVF simply isn't successful, and their mental health journey is particularly difficult," she said.
