Avoid tension this Christmas by following these tips. Photo / 123RF
Avoid tension this Christmas by following these tips. Photo / 123RF
Christmas looks a little different this year - in a good way.
For the first time since the start of the pandemic, families are free to spend the holidays with their overseas family members.
We are allowed to gather without the majority of Covid restrictions and can enjoy good food, drink and company without the lingering vaccination debate – mostly.
And while that all sounds magnificent and a recipe for a day as delicious as a honey-glazed ham, our first post-pandemic Christmas can still come with tensions, especially as we confront the cost-of-living crisis, children going away on their OE, and even the loss of loved ones.
The Herald speaks to Mind Matters Psychotherapist Kyle MacDonald about how to handle your first Christmas without a loved one whether they are exploring the world on their OE or have sadly passed away. How to explain to family members - including children - that you don’t have as much disposable income this year and handling family, financial and seasonal-related stress.
Q. If this is your first Christmas in three years with the entire family, how can you reduce the pressure or stress that comes with it?
A. Make sure you’re being clear with yourself and others about what the expectations are - both for what kind of day you would like to have, and for what you would like people to help with - if you’re hosting.
For me, it all comes down to sharing the load, which again comes back to communication.
If your house is full for the first time in years, here's how to handle the stress. Photo / Getty Images
Q. Stress can be a huge part of the holiday season, what are some things you can try so you don’t end up taking it out on your kids/family?
A. Apart from managing expectations, as I’ve already talked about, watch your alcohol intake. Make sure you’re not overdoing it and setting yourself up to say things you might otherwise regret.
Also, try to avoid the pressure to make everything perfect. Let the kids make a mess, and don’t worry if dinners are later than planned. Focus on connection and relationship, not creating the perfect day. Being with people we love and creating special memories is much more important than the perfect table setting.
Q. For families whose children have gone on OEs, how can they still incorporate them into the day?
A. We’re all so familiar with Zoom and video calls now, that this should a lot easier than it was in the past. However, it may also be about accepting that if your adult children are on the other side of the world, and in a different time zone, they may not be able to jump on a call when you might like them to.
Talk with them about what’s possible and have flexible expectations.
Alternatively, if this is the first Christmas you aren’t spending with your family due to being overseas/out of town or perhaps if you’re spending the day with your partner’s family, Kyle has shared in a separate column how best to manage guilt and feelings that may come with not being with your family.
If you're spending Christmas away from your family this year, set up a Zoom call or FaceTime. Photo / 123RF
Q. If it’s your first Christmas after losing a key family member, is it best to carry on traditions or make new ones and How can you honour that family member in the most healing way?
A. Accepting and allowing the feelings, and making space for remembrance.
We can all put too much pressure on ourselves to make Christmas “happy” but actually grief, and missing people are very common parts of Christmas. Talk with close family members and lean into it - keeping our loved ones alive in our hearts is important.
Q. With the cost of living crisis, how can you make the day special for your kids without breaking the bank?
A. It’s okay, to be honest, and open with children about the limitations of life, and talking with them about budgets, money and what as a family we can afford. Just make sure you explain this in an age-appropriate way.
No matter what your income though, you can always spend more time, on the day and over the break - spend time playing with them, interacting and getting down on their level - that costs nothing.
If you are looking for ideas on how to best spend the holidays with your kids without forking out huge amounts of money, the Herald’s parenting podcast, One Day You’ll Thank Me, recently spoke to family travel writer Alexia Santamaria about ways you can have family fun on a budget this summer.
Q. What is the best way to approach gift giving in families who have big earning disparities?
A. If you haven’t already, have a conversation, don’t make assumptions.
Many families now organize more of a Secret Santa approach, with a set spending limit, where adults just buy one gift for one other person. However you do it though, make sure you’re not assuming and check it out.
Spending quality time with your kids these holidays is the best kind of present. Photo / Getty Images
Q. If the conversation turns to topics about Covid, vaccination and conspiracy theories, how is it best to pivot so it doesn’t turn into a heated argument?
A. Regardless of your view, be clear and direct: “I don’t want to talk about this today, let’s talk about something else.” Clear direct boundaries.
And whatever you do, don’t engage with the hope of trying to change anyone’s mind. Try, “We’ve got really different views on this, so best we don’t talk about it, especially not today.”
If all else fails, walk away, take a bathroom break or get some fresh air. A conversation requires two people, so control what you can and gently refuse to participate.
For more tips on pivoting conversations, see the Herald’s article from last year where we spoke to a former police negotiator on how to avoid conversations about serious topics at the Christmas dinner table.
