The King and I
There’s no evidence the forbidden love in The King and I actually existed, unlike the great romance that is Charles and Camilla, which was so wonderfully documented in Tampongate. The film hasn’t aged well, also unlike Charmilla, whose flame seems to grow stronger every day. Yul Brynner, in yellowface, may have received an Oscar for his performance as King Mongkut of Siam, who hires English woman Anna Leonowens, as a tutor for his abundant children to multiple wives, but he’d never get that role now. The film’s racist and sexist but damn if Getting to Know You isn’t one of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s most formidable earworms.
Available to buy on Google Play
King Richard
If you believe this film, which is certainly rose-tinted, King Richard didn’t inherit his title but earned it through meticulous planning, determination and tenacity. The film was executive-produced by the Williams sisters, who preside over it like the royal press office, ensuring their father only ever comes off as a loving, if singularly-focused, parent. Still, it’s a pretty compelling, well-acted watch - albeit, like the coronation, a bit too long. It will likely forever be overshadowed by “the slap” that took place during Will Smith’s coronation as king of all the actors last year. I wouldn’t mind if Harry showed up to slap someone at Westminster Abbey this weekend shouting “Keep my wife’s name out your f***ing mouth!”
Streaming on Neon
The Woman King
Anyone missing a female monarch might like to turn to last year’s action drama The Woman King this weekend for some fierce feminine bad-assery and 19th century African warrior wear. Rumour has it that King Charles III is going to forego the traditional breeches and silk stockings, which frankly I would’ve enjoyed, in favour of his military garb. I could endorse that if Charles were to wear a skirt and crop top like the Agojie warriors but he’ll probably just wear that black suit with all the brooches. The Woman King is based on a true story about the West African Kingdom of Dahomey, which had a largely female military. Given that the Dahomey were later colonised by the French, The Woman King, a powerful story of African female triumph, could be a nice antidote to this weekend’s celebration of the great colonisers.
Available to rent on Neon.
HIS PICKS
The Return of the King
The script is straightforward enough: King Peter Jackson, having overcome all obstacles to film the unfilmable and conquer Hollywood, returns to Wellington to appear on the red carpet alongside the cast of unfashionables and C-listers whose careers he has reignited. Every employee of Tourism New Zealand is there with a camera. Regular television programming is interrupted to celebrate the man who has single-handedly transformed New Zealand’s landscape from a receptacle for cows*** to a Hollywood sound stage. New Zealand has never had a moment like it. By royal decree, nobody is allowed to mention The Frighteners.
Streaming on Netflix and Prime Video
When We Were Kings
Boxing is a stupid and inhumane “sport” that has been made to look slightly more sophisticated since the introduction of the truly abhorrent MMA but, on camera, from a distance of decades, thanks mostly to the most compelling fight of all time, featuring the most compelling sporting personality of all time, it presents as poetry. The title of the movie refers to the fact combatants Muhammad Ali and George Foreman were then the kings of their sport. Ahead of the fight, in Zaire, Ali was lauded wherever he went, in a way real kings haven’t been since the days when they used their divine right as justification to chop off haters’ heads.
Streaming on DocPlay, available to rent on Google Play
Tiger King
In early 2020, as the pandemic took hold and the world held its breath, there were only two words on everybody’s lips: Joe Exotic. He was a made-for-TV phenomenon who would no doubt today be the high profile and very rich host of a string of reality television shows, podcasts and red carpet events were he not in prison, where he is likely to remain for many years, as the result of animal abuse and attempted murder – acts which, ironically, were, until very recently, daily entertainments at the court of any self-respecting monarch.
Streaming on Netflix
King Kong
Coming hot on the heels of his magnum opus The Return of the King, the decision to remake King Kong was a risk for Peter Jackson, but it paid off big time, with the movie turning into a massive success both at the box office and with critics, who were in thrall to Jackson’s genius for making films that go on for twice as long as necessary. Today, though, nobody cares much about this movie – it has slid into obscurity. It stands as a cautionary tale, showing that even the greatest of kings doesn’t get to decide what he’s remembered for. Good luck, Charlie.
Streaming on Prime Video
