Conscious recoupling: The joy of going on holiday with your ex

Justin Trudeau and Sophie Grégoire have split, but the family holiday's still on. Photo / Justin Tang, The Canadian Press via AP

Like many of us, Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie Grégoire are looking forward to their annual family holiday. The fact that the couple are divorcing after 18 years of marriage won’t be altering their plans: “The family will be together on vacation beginning next week,” came the statement from the Canadian PM’s office.

Meanwhile, English sports broadcaster Gary Lineker and his ex Danielle Bux were spotted recently chatting happily on loungers while soaking up the Ibizan sun. The fact that they divorced seven years ago hasn’t stopped them enjoying a summer jaunt together - and why not? Their split was apparently not acrimonious and they are still great friends.

In the biggest shake-up to UK divorce laws in 50 years, the new no-fault option - which came into force last year - was designed to remove unnecessary conflict and lessen the stress associated with a break-up. It reflected a sea change in which couples still want to remain friends, even when the romance has fizzled (remember Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s “conscious uncoupling” back in 2014?). As Trudeau’s statement puts it: “We remain a close family with deep love and respect for each other and for everything we have built and we will continue to build.”

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Obviously, it’s easier when there have been no affairs or bitter custody battles (Trudeau and Grégoire will share custody of their three children).

Parents to children aged 15, 12 and 5, Macey and Beccy Mitchell called time on their marriage two years ago - but have remained the very best of friends. Now living in Sevenoaks and Tonbridge respectively, they tell us that they wouldn’t have it any other way.

Beccy, 44

I was 21 when I met Macey in a nightclub. He was about to go on a boys’ holiday with a mate. His friend snapped his Achilles tendon - so Macey asked me to go instead. We loved going out, partying and having fun together. Right away, I knew we were kindred spirits. At one point we were lucky enough to be able to go travelling for two years, ending up in India.

Gradually, things changed. Having Millie, our first child, meant I had to grow up fast - but Macey wasn’t ready to give up partying. We stuck together, launching a business and having two more children. Life was incredibly busy and we just got on with things. It wasn’t until lockdown, which we’d decided to spend on the Portuguese island of Porto Santo, when we could really take a look at our lives and what we wanted.

Without the distractions of friends, families and our business, we could see that we’d grown apart. I confessed to a friend that all I wanted was for me and Macey to be the best of friends. There was no one else involved. However, we’d become like brother and sister and it was time to part. We talked it through on that beautiful island, with its golden sand beaches, and that night I swapped rooms with our eldest daughter and we never shared a bed again. We were so happy about our decision that we even had a family photo shoot done towards the end of our time together on the island.

I’m not saying it’s all been easy. When we’re under pressure, things can blow up - just like in any relationship. We still run a company together specialising in creating living-wall displays, so Macey is often around. We argue and fight, but then we hug and put it all behind us. As for seeing other people, I prefer to keep things to myself if I’m dating someone. But Macey is very open and happy to talk about the person he’s seeing.

The first person he met after we’d split, I felt a bit funny about. But I’ve moved on from that now. I haven’t met his current girlfriend yet but she seems very understanding about Macey and me being so close. He flew out to join me and the children on our last holiday in Spain. It felt so natural to have him around and the kids loved him being there. Last weekend was my birthday and he spend days helping to set up the party, staying here the whole time. At one point he mentioned that it was his girlfriend’s birthday too - he hadn’t even seen her!

He often stays over at my place - platonically of course. We made three beautiful children and always wanted to build a good future for them. Even though we’re no longer a couple, that hasn’t changed. In fact, it’s far easier now as we no longer have the pressure of trying to make a marriage work.

Macey has been a huge part of my life for more than two decades and I absolutely adore him. Whoever I meet in the future, I can’t imagine my feelings for him will ever change.

Macey, 43

If anyone finds it weird that Beccy and I are so close, it’s our mutual friends. They don’t know quite what to make of us. When a couple splits you expect it to be all about being taken to court and rows and acrimony, but it’s never been like that with us. Even our break-up was smooth and civilised. We’d reached the point where the intimacy had dwindled away and we were like brother and sister, going through the motions of being a couple.

It was a mutual decision to split and no one had had an affair. We stayed on the island of Porto Santo - we were there for six months in all - with our children. So actually, it was a good template for how to be on holiday together when we split up.

I joined Beccy and the kids on holiday in Spain last year and if anything, it was easier than some of our previous holidays. I rented an apartment from where they were staying so we could enjoy being together but have a bit of space too. The kids loved that we were all together.

The person I’m seeing now is absolutely fine about my relationship with Beccy. She is very independent, has two children of her own and is great friends with her ex too. So holidays with Beccy and the kids aren’t a problem. There’s complete trust there and no suspicion. She is fine, too, with me seeing Beccy virtually every day. With the children and the business to run together, our lives are so intertwined. If I’m working late it makes sense for me to stay over at Beccy’s.

Whenever I’ve met someone, I’ve been very clear upfront about how things are with Beccy and me. Okay, maybe not on the first date - but early on. It doesn’t need to be a turn-off. In fact, it’s a positive thing, I think, to show that I’m a supportive dad who has a good relationship with my ex. And Beccy and I really are best friends. She’s the one I’d talk to about girlfriend problems. There’s not a single thing I wouldn’t discuss with her.

If we’d split, say, 10 years prior, it might have been a different story and more acrimonious. But luckily for us, we’d grown up a lot by the time we broke up. We were mature enough to acknowledge that we both need intimacy and that life is too short not to have that in our lives.

Beccy and I have had so many amazing experiences together. We’ve raised three children, created a successful business and travelled the world. I think about those older couples who split up and finally reach the point where they’re helping each other with the grandchildren and popping into each other’s houses for cups of tea. Beccy and I managed to reach that stage right away and I know she will always be my best friend.