"We have everything we need here," he answered while simultaneously distracting me by caressing my shoulderblades.
"We actually don't," I said. "I'm hungry, let's check out that new Indian place around the corner."
"No! We might run into one of my buddies," he said moving his body further away from me. The underlining meaning was clear — he couldn't take the chance that someone he knew would see him with me.
He needed to keep our relationship on the down low so that no one would ever suspect that he enjoyed spending time with me … a fat woman.
He was super fit, so obviously that's the kind of woman that he wanted to be associated with, the kind he could be seen with at the Indian place.
When I realised that he was ashamed of being seen with me, I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach — a place where much of my pain already resided.
To him, I was f*ckable, but not datable, and he dumped me soon after that conversation.
He did me a favour by not continuing to lead me on. Otherwise, I might still be trying to prove to him that I was worth any sh*t he might have gotten from other people. If I was still his secret shame, I might not have met my boyfriend, so thanks, athletic-a**hole.
I had hoped that now, in this day and age of body positivity and acceptance, that men no longer need to hide their desires, and that being labelled as someone who likes fat women isn't the worst thing in the world.
But I was wrong.
Recently, Model and Fat Activist Tess Holliday posted on Instagram, "Y'all wanna have sex with a fat girl AND enjoy it … Y'all look at porn of fat women … BUT YALL DON'T WANNA DATE A Fat woman."
With over 1100 comments, Tess's followers confirmed that the bigotry, misogyny, and fear of fat-shaming by association was still happening. Her words resonated with them, and they all shared the same truth.
It's just a sad fact: Many men who are sexually attracted to fat women are ashamed of it.
They're okay with banging a fat girl, but they don't want to hang out with her — someone might judge them for it. As fat women, we're forced to develop a thick skin because people already feel that it's their right to say anything to us. We're tough enough to handle it, but some men's egos are just too fragile, and they crumble.
It's one thing if you're not into fat women — everyone has their preferences and not every body type appeals to everyone. But if you find larger women hot and you want to have sex with them but don't want to be associated in public with them, then that's emotionally abusive.
If you're attracted to fat women but date thin women as a cover, that's just as screwed up as using people to fake your sexuality — it will hurt everyone involved. I knew a gay guy who hadn't come out to his family, so to keep his facade as a straight person, he'd date very conservative Christian women (Christian so that they wouldn't expect him to sleep with them). He didn't think he was doing anything wrong by dating them, but, in fact, he was using them and lying to himself.
Everyone should have the freedom to express their desires openly (as long as there's consent from both parties). If you modify your behaviour and wants to what you think will protect you from criticism and/or ridicule, then you need help, because that kind of self-loathing will only grow until it has destroyed you.
If a fat woman wants a purely sexual relationship, that's great, but it shouldn't be her only option. Some guys think that they're doing a fat woman a favour just by having sex with her — that we're beyond grateful for any attention whatsoever. Because we're fat, we're willing to do almost anything with anyone, and that there are no limits to what we'll do to please you.
This article by Christine Schoenwald originally appeared on Ravishly.
