Children aren’t being ungrateful when they don’t say thank you, study shows

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Parents know all too well what a struggle it can be to get a small child to offer a polite “thank you” for Christmas presents.

Yet that doesn’t mean they’re ungrateful: young children believe saying “thank you” means they have to give a present in return, scientists have found.

Only at about the age of 7 do they understand the concept of generosity and realise that gratitude actually increases their chances of getting more presents, a study show.

Before that point children think that saying “thank you” obliges them to give the gifter a present in return.

Dr Nicholaus Noles, an associate professor in psychology at the University of Louisville, wanted to see why children are so reluctant to say thank you.

“It always stuck out to me that children seem to resist saying, ‘thank you’,” he told The Telegraph.

He presented children and adults of different ages with a hypothetical situation where people were asked what saying thank you meant.

He found that adults understand that showing thanks for a gift makes it more likely that the person receiving a present will return the favour in the future and also makes the gifter more inclined to give more presents in the future.

Unable to understand

Dr Noles believes that young children are only able to understand the first ramification but not the second.

“I propose that young children avoid saying thank you because they do not connect thank you to future benefits,” he added.

“They haven’t figured out that they might get more stuff if they are gracious. At the same time, they do connect reciprocity to ‘thank you’.

Young children, he says, see saying thank you as a “promise” to pay someone back for their kindness, which they have little intention of doing.

The children only relent and say ‘thank you’ because they have been coached by their parents.

But despite children not understanding the value of generosity for a few years the scientist believes it is still important for parents to encourage their offspring to use their manners.

“Manners smooth our social interactions with others, so there is absolutely value in teaching them,” Noles said.

He also encourages parents and carers not to be disheartened this Christmas if their child is not as grateful as they would hope.

“Don’t sweat it, they will get it eventually,” he said. “Be gracious and show gratitude, and your kids will pick it up.”

The study is published in the Elsevier journal Cognitive Development.