Britney has a laugh like a donkey and dire jokes to boot

Being Britney Spears means everyone has to laugh at your jokes. Here is a Britney joke: take a Britneycam shot of your knees, say: "They look like boobs. But they're not. They're my knees." Then laugh like a donkey. She really has the most awful laugh to go with her dire jokes.

If you're on Britney's payroll, you laugh along, too. If you're on Britney's payroll, when she comes along with her camcorder and asks you what your favourite sex position is, you pretend to think that this is really, really funny, too. What you don't do is say, "ah, Britney, it's probably not a really good idea to get drunk in Vegas, get married, then have to have the marriage annulled five minutes later."

And you don't say, "ah, Britney, it's probably not a really good idea to get some other guy you've known for five minutes to fly out to Britain to join your tour and then make a home video which will screen on television about how often you're having sex with that guy."

Nobody said this and the result is Britney and Kevin: Chaotic (TV2, 10.30pm).

This is an hour at which you hope Britney's teeny-bopper fans are safely tucked up in bed. Actually, you hope everyone was safely tucked up in bed at that hour last week so they didn't have to watch Britney tell her hairdresser that she and Kevin had had sex three times that day.

Why would anyone want to know this? No idea, but I can tell you that the correct response, if you want to go on being on the payroll, is to say, "I'm happy for you".

Britney and Kevin is made by Britney and Kevin. The credits announce: cinematography by Britney and Kevin. The cinematography consists of Britney taking shots of her knees, of Kevin in the shower, of her tour bus and her hotel room. I think. Because Britney is not very good at operating her camcorder. Here she is on the bus: "I wish the thing would open up a little bit more so I could zoom or something ... Anyways ... I'm getting the hang of the whole camera situation."

Anyways, she isn't but, surprise, nobody says, "no, you're not getting the hang of it, Britney".

Nobody's gonna tell Britney the truth. Most certainly nobody will tell her to just shut up. She has a lot to say, such as: "People can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. But the question is: can you handle my truth? Can you?"

Can I? No, I cannot handle her and Kevin going on about how the sex is really good.

She looks out of her hotel room one day and spots paparazzi trying to get a shot of her. "Stupid people," she says. And here she is papping herself and Kevin. I suppose this could be some sort of ironic celebrity revenge. Or it could just be really stupid.