Americano
You work at Meredith Connell or Deloittes and genuinely believe people should live to work, not work to live. You are a hard worker, whether that’s in the gym - hello, low-calorie coffee - at your job or at home. You love putting in an 11-hour day, hitting Les Mills and driving home in your Kia Stinger to help your kids with their homework. Ever since your first lecture at Auckland University, you knew you needed coffee, pure, addictive, coffee to fuel your dedicated lifestyle.
Piccolo
You’re either a privatised plastic surgeon or a business advisor. Your kids go to King’s College or Diocesan School for Girls and you’re putting aside some money so they can one day attend an overseas university like Harvard. You talk fast, achieve plenty and if anyone saw what was going on inside your head right now, they would be inspired, amazed and slightly concerned all at once. You take a five-week break once a year and travel to France or Italy to stay in a boujee location. Most of your mates have “Sir” or “Dame” tacked on to their name.
Latte
A step up from the Mocha, you’re used to being looked down on by the snobby coffee drinkers of New Zealand, but you don’t care because your Z or BP latte does the job just as well as a “$7 oat milk whatever”. You live in a small town like Rotorua, Taupō or Greymouth and love heading into the big city so you can make a special trip to Starbucks for a brand new bedazzled or Kiwi-themed cup. You exclusively shop at Farmers and spend summers at your local camp spot in your $100,000 caravan.
Flat White
You’re a mildly successful middle-class Kiwi who loves a shop at Mitre 10 even though you definitely pay someone to do all your home repairs. You drive a relatively new electric Hyundai or Toyota car, and only ever sip on an Allpress flat white during a work meeting or at a cafe brunch.
You are looking forward to the upcoming election because you low-key live for the drama of politics: if your friends bring it up at a weekend BBQ, you’ll chuck on your know-it-all hat and lecture them on why they should vote Green or Labour.
Iced Coffee
You’re likely a Lululemon-wearing university student or public relations employee who spends their vacations at your parent’s Matakana bach and loves an eggs bene in the weekend. Used to driving everyone nuts with your fixation of the week, you have no shame in shaking your iced coffee every few minutes as you drive around in your black Suzuki Jimny. Your favourite after-work activity is hot yoga, while the weekends are all about bottomless brunch at the Viaduct, and even though you “don’t vape”, you won’t turn down a cheeky puff after a couple of proseccos.
Mocha
You’re new to the coffee game and not quite ready to part with your youth. To be fair, you only started drinking it because it was the only thing in your cupboard that would spark you up while watching night games of the Fifa Women’s World Cup. You spend weekends reminiscing about the good old days at Otago University and still have a picture of you and your mates burning a couch after the Hyde Street keg party as your phone background. You love stalking old friends on Facebook in the weekends to see if you’re doing better than them and use Snapchat as your main form of communication.
Hot Chocolate
You’re a builder, electrician, plumber, or mechanic, basically a classic tradie who loves a hot chocolate with their Jimmy’s pie on a Friday; especially when it has extra whipped cream and a Rainbow Confectionery chocolate fish. Aside from telling people “I don’t drink coffee”, your favourite thing to do on the weekend is stand on the sideline at your kid’s ripper rugby match and shout at the ref when they make a bad call. When the kids ask to go to McDonald’s, you never say no - despite your partner’s scowl - because at the end of the day, you’re just a 35-year-old child.
Earl Grey tea
You’re wise beyond your years, love spending Friday nights at home in front of the fire and reading a nice relaxing book. Sundays are spent going for a long walk along the Nelson beachfront as you listen to A Moment in Crime podcast, before coming home to your picture-perfect family and G.J. Gardner kitset house. You appreciate good, reliable TV shows like Celebrity Treasure Island or My Kitchen Rules and your favourite radio station is Coast because it leaves you feeling cool, calm and collected.
Gumboot tea
Kawakawa tea is your journey. You found it one day when you were taking a quick cafe break during a Salvation Army op-shop excursion and never looked back. Your home is full of knick-knacks that you’ve picked up during your many trips to Indonesia, your favourite movie is Eat, Pray, Love and when it comes to wearing patterns, you fully believe wearing as many as you can is the correct way to live. Your favourite aisle in the supermarket is the organics one and you are deeply, deeply considering a move to rural Waiheke, or maybe Wellington.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
