Bluffer's guide to surviving the food and wine festivals

Food, wine - and the midday sun. It could be a recipe for disaster for summer festival-goers, but not if you follow our tips ...

DRESS CODE

Men, shorts below the knee look ridiculous if you're above 30. Shorts above the knee look ridiculous if you're above 10. Straw boaters should be worn only by strolling jazz musicians.
Women, take care with jewellery. Stick to a tasting glass on a leather thong. Around the neck. Loud floral shirts are best: it's easier for partner / friends to identify you passed out under a table in the champagne tent.

HEALTH

Don't drink and drive - especially if you're going to Waiheke. Eat seafood early before the heat goes up and the ice goes down.

Take sunblock unless you have a burning desire to look like the prawn platter and a glass of rose. Drink lots of water. No, don't. That's rather missing the point.

ETIQUETTE

Don't take last year's tasting glass. Festivals donate to charity. You want to rip off every homeless attention-deficit cat in Devonport?

ENTERTAINMENT

Strolling jazz musicians are best after searing on a hot barbecue, 10 mins each side. Tip: remove straw boater first.

Forming a conga line around the Quikcat on the way home is not funny. No, it's not.

USEFUL PHRASES

Do say:

"In the seconds it took the sip to cross my lips, loll on my tongue, and slide down my throat, a dozen different tones and tastes and fragrances fused into a single blood-dark sensation so deep and soul - it wasn't like drinking. It was like a summer dive into a glacial lake then breaking back to the surface, the simple sensation of being alive."

"It reminds me of my grandmother's blackberry pie."

Do not say:

"As viscous as motor oil swirled in a swamp, redolent of burnt bell peppers nested in by incontinent mice and a finish reminiscent of the dregs of a stale can of Coca-Cola that someone used as an ashtray."

"It reminds me of gym socks."

* Waiheke: Sat Feb 11, Isola Estate, Onetangi ($65, Ticketek). Kumeu: Sat Feb 11, Kumeu Showgrounds ($20, gate). Devonport: Sat Feb 18-Sun Feb 19, Windsor Reserve ($25, Red Tickets)