Bel Mooney column: Should I keep my sugar daddy a secret?

The sugar baby wanted to end the mutual arrangement as soon as her relationship began, but she still needed the money. Photo / Getty Images

Bel Mooney is an advice columnist for the Daily Mail.

Dear Bel, I am 23 and have been in a two-year relationship with a lovely man who cares deeply about me. I'm in love and we talk about marriage and being together for ever. I can see my future with him.

However I haven't told him about something I feel guilty about now.

Before I met my boyfriend, I had a few mutually beneficial meet-ups.

Out of desperation, after a long night revising for my mathematics degree, I decided to sign up to an "arrangement" site. I was short of time but needed cash. I was extremely worried about it, so I kept it to myself.

Through the site, I met one businessman. I only ever provided him with a massage in a hotel room and would leave two hours after arriving. It was infrequent, transactional, business-like.

We met maybe three or four times before I met my boyfriend.

Sex was never involved. He was a lonely yet busy man who enjoyed the conversation after work. When I met my boyfriend I didn't tell him about it because I knew we liked each other and I felt shame - disgust at myself.

I wanted to end my mutual arrangement as soon as our relationship began, but I still needed the money. So I met the man three times more during the first four months of my relationship with my boyfriend.

Now I feel guilt-racked over those three "meetings" without my boyfriend knowing.

I wish I hadn't done it because I love him so much money seems meaningless - our relationship is so loving and profound.

Should I tell him or keep it to myself? My "sugar daddy" and I never exchanged personal information and will never meet again.

I am the only one who knows. I am financially secure with a job and more grounded now.

Please, your worldly advice could help me see the light.

- MIRA

Bel advises a reader who feels guilt-racked over meeting with a sugar daddy without her boyfriend knowing. Photo / Getty Images

What a relief that you call me "worldly"! Because although I am as capable as anybody else of being judgmental when fired to anger about an issue, in your case my reply will be so liberal and pragmatic and (yes) worldly that some readers may disapprove.

But I can't help that. I'm happy to hear you have found the man you want to share your life with and sincerely hope this all comes to pass. But please don't spoil those possibilities by getting too guilt-ridden about that brief time in your life.

You see, I think honesty can be over-rated. Of course, it is important for two people who love each other to create a shared future in absolute trust. Naturally that includes admissions of needs and weaknesses - for as a couple becomes closer and closer you do share stories from the past as well as confidences in the present.

But (and it's important) why should anybody know every darn thing about anybody else?

Let's think of our lives as spinning disco balls, fascinating as they flash points of light - yet always with a dark side round the back. It's always turning, always changing ... Just as you have changed, through loving your boyfriend.

Those hook-ups with the "sugar daddy" have nothing to do with your boyfriend - and so he need never know about them. If one day you tell him what you got up to before you met him, so be it - although I most certainly would not.

But he should never know you did three more meet-ups after you had met. Those were early days, you didn't know this was to be a great love, you still needed some money - so what did you do wrong? Not much at all ... but that's my very "worldly" self talking.

To gain a man's perspective, I let my husband read your problem. He said, "But they didn't have sex, so what did she do wrong?" Of course, you and I know it's pretty sleazy to meet a man in a hotel and give him a massage (with whatever extra benefits that touching brought), take the money and leave.

But you weren't in a relationship when the "arrangement" began, you didn't mind the bloke, and you were paid money for your service to help you survive as a student. Many women have done similar things - and frankly, I have no problem with it, because nobody was hurt.

But this guilt is hurting you a bit now, so please banish it. It would be mad to spoil present happiness because of a bit of murky money in the past. Who cares tuppence what you did? Love your man, live in the present and be happy.