Beck Vass: Why is my toddler talking like a rapper?

Will the real two-year-old please stand up? Photo / Getty

We were rolling around on the lounge floor, as you do, and my kids were making me do all sorts of things I didn't really want to do at the end of the day.

As the body that was previously my own was being used as a landing pad, a horse, a swing, and a trampoline, my son, 2, bounded along the couch above me.

I tensed and waited for him to jump, but to my surprise, he pulled my leg straight and slid down it like it was a pole.

As he did, he yelled: "My b***h!"

I'm sorry, what?! I was not at all shocked by the title - acceptance dawned on me a long time ago about my role to the two toddlers in the house.

I was more disturbed at his apparently correct use of a word I didn't know he knew.

I don't think I use that word around him - or at all... really... do I? Other, probably worse words, sure, but that? But, I've been caught out not realising I say things before.

All these things go through your mind when your baby speaks like a rapper.

I kept asking him "what am I?" and he repeated himself several times before his sister, 4, piped up and said: "He said BRIDGE, Mumma.'

Oh, I'm your BRIDGE. Yes, yes, I'm your BRIDGE.

I didn't know he knew that word, either. Good boy knowing bridge!

Kids learning new words while they lack the ability to pronounce certain sounds provides some of the cutest (and alarming) scenes in parenting.

Recently, I was peeling vegetables at the kitchen bench when I felt something on my knee.

I looked down to find him standing there, naked, stomach pushed forwards with both hands in use, painting my knee with his penis. Lovely.

He's one of those kids who likes to take his clothes off so he is often naked around the house.

So, it was of some concern some time later when I heard him running around shouting aggressively "my big d**k". He was getting quite upset about it, which was when I saw his sister outside with the stick he'd brought home from the beach earlier that day.

Ah STICK! Yes, she has your big STICK. Let's take that off her, shall we?

When she was about the same age, I recall being shocked with her announcing "big c**k".

There was a clock in the book we were reading to her and there was a rather large one at the supermarket.

Then of course there are the times, which I have written about before, where they say things exactly the right way, which happened a couple of weeks ago.

Our boy was looking for a toy I was sure I had seen under a cushion on the couch.

"It's not here, buddy. I thought it was, but it's not."

"S**t, Mumma," he exclaimed.