Beck Vass: What the hell has my baby eaten?

After he turned one, he acquired a taste for the finer things in life, such as serviettes. Photo / Getty

When my son was seven months old, we went to a three-year-old's superhero-themed birthday party. Our boy spent much of the time crawling around on the floor.

While we were there, I fed him a bowl of mashed veges I'd brought along and he choked quite badly.

I was more confused than worried, I knew the veges were smooth and because he's my second-born I had come to trust my kids' gag reflexes.

However, four hours later, we were back home preparing for bedtime when my husband called out from the bathroom, to say our son had spewed up this:

No wonder my son was having trouble with his mashed veg. He had this to contend with. Photo / Getty

I assume it had been in his mouth when I'd fed him the veges and he'd choked as he swallowed it.

You know it's a good party when someone spews pink tinsel.

I have also previously shared the time, two months after the tinsel, this kid ate an entire cockroach minus two legs.

After he turned one, he acquired a taste for the finer things in life.

His first two ice creams, which he ate in the car on our way home from the beach, were messy, sticky affairs that served to keep him awake until we got home for his sleep.

I hunted high and low for his sticky little paper cone holders before giving up, baffled.

Weeks later, we went for ice cream again. As I drove home, I glanced in the rear-view mirror.

There, I saw our boy, with a chocolate ice cream moustache and beard dripping down his neck, half-way through eating his soggy brown cone - complete with its paper wrapping.

Mystery solved.

There was also the time (ahem - one of several times) I did a desperation-dash through the drive-thru. I ordered my McMuffin combo, gave our boy the hash brown and drove off.

Again in the rear-view mirror I saw, all too late, my son devouring the last of his hash brown still wrapped in its paper.

Most recently, this kid, now two-and-a-half, swallowed an entire serviette in sheer delight, as we enjoyed our first restaurant experience as a family.

It was soaked in ice cream. I assumed it was a soggy wafer.

So, you won't eat most of the food I lovingly prepare for you but you'll eat all this paper? Thanks a lot, buddy!

In fairness, I'm sure if I deep-fried his veges or soaked them in ice cream, he would probably eat them.

Although that doesn't explain the cockroach.