Beck Vass: This Christmas I'm getting revenge with my gifts

I have had a lot of time to find the worst toys to gift a child. Photo / Getty Images

I have a friend. I'm going to call her *Vicki.

Vicki is an a***hole.

A couple of Christmases ago, Vicki colluded with another friend to create the World's Worst Lolly Jar.

Vicki, well aware of the disgust I feel for the banana Fruit Burst, filled this jar with every kind of banana lolly she could find, and then some. Then, she went next level and added vile spearmint leaves and aniseed wheels to taint anything that might have been mildly average.

She witnessed, with glee, my guilt over not getting presents for her and our friend, saw my face flicker with excitement as I saw the colours of the lollies, then drop in disappointment as I realised their present was a joke.

Every little detail in that jar was horrendous and the further in I looked, the more layers of deception revealed themselves. This has started a present war that is ongoing.

Unfortunately for Vicki, her son is four years younger than my oldest child. Which means I have had a lot of time to know the worst toys your kid can have - something Vicki now has to endure for the rest of her life.

If you have a friend like Vicki, here are my suggestions for what to buy their children this Christmas:

1. Drums

Not the cheapest joke present (at about $100) but my goodness do these guys punch above their price in terms of annoyingness.

My husband set these up one night as I watched The Bachelor final with a group of mum-friends and few too many glasses of Lindauer.

The thumping of my head the next morning was completely in sync with these little bundles of hell being smashed by my two-year-old. Not only that, but every kid that ever comes to our house wants to play them, providing a level of ongoing suffering that is truly awful.

2. Lego

Go all out and get a 1000-piece kit. The noise of an entire container of Lego being dumped on the floor is up there with fingernails down a blackboard to some mums.

The more of that sharp junk your a***hole mate has lying around the house to step on, the better.

3. Puzzles - with lots of pieces

Nothing is more annoying than toys with a million pieces that are never actually used for their intended purpose (actually, if you have kids there are heaps of things more annoying than that, but hey).

Your toddler is never going to do a puzzle. But they are going to lose bits of it and leave puzzle pieces strewn around places you would never expect to find them, like in your bed and in your bra.

4. Singing toys

A musical toy that sings one song - and one song only - at only one, very loud volume. Also supply plenty of batteries to the parent, ensuring their kid sees your generous act.

"Hey, Mickey, you're SO NOT fine, you're SO NOT fine I LOSE MY MIND."

5. A recorder or harmonica

Even better - get both! Is there a more annoying sound than a kid blowing on one of these? (Again, if you have kids there probably is, but still). They'll go with the drums perfectly and are especially good if your friend has a germ phobia.

Watch for all the snotty kids going straight for those bacteria-ridden blow holes and putting them in their mouths. Mmm ... Hand, Foot and Mouth, anyone?

6. Books about poos, wee and bums

These are presents usually given to your kids by your sister who doesn't have, and doesn't want, kids.

You spend your life trying to get your kids to stop talking about poo, wee, farts and bums and then you're gifted books about these things that quickly become their favourites.

Thanks for that.

*Vicki is totally her real name.